Archive for 2007

Toodles 2007...

I am so happy that 2007 is almost over. I have to say that it has been the worst year in the 8 that josh and I have been married. When I think of the last 12 months the things that stick out the most are pain and suffering and nothing going my way. So good riddance to you 2007!!!!

I am keeping hope that 2008 is gonna be a great year. I am excited about tomorrow. It represents a new beginning, a new start. I have so many plans for 2008. So many things that I want to accomplish. Having a baby is definately on the list, but there is more. This next year of my life is not going to revolve around having a baby. If it happens then of course I will be over the moon happy, but it is not going to the be focus of my life.

So I say HAPPY NEW YEAR to you all and I pray everyones dreams come true!!!!

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Christmas cards...

So it's that joyous time of year when we get all the beautiful Christmas cards. I love sending out these cards. I always try to get some with a really good message. Not just "happy holidays" and "seasons greetings" but you know about the birth of Jesus and all. Last year we did a Christmas letter like many people do. I was gonna do one this year but realized nothing worthwhile had happened in our life in the last year. So we decided to do the photo card this year. Unfortunately we are one of those sad couples who gets our pic taken with our dog. We treat him like a baby so might as well go all out. I thought the photo card was great. The receipent gets a pic of us and it will go on the fridge instead of the trash like a normal card. And we even got to put a good bible verse on it.

Well, after receiving many of these photo cards this year I have decided I hate them. With each new card I am reminded that I am infertile. Pictures of happy families with a mommy, daddy and some kids. I got three of said cards in the mail today. All of them from people my own age. Kids I went to high school with. All happy and smiling and holding their children. These beautiful pictures leave me feeling empty and sad. What will my Christmas card next year be like? Will it be a pic of me, josh and two dogs, because we will get another dog to fill the void that is still there?

Oh I hope 2008 will be a better year.

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Journey to motherhood

**Healthy baby boy born on 11/17/2008!!
**April 2008 Heterotopic pregnancy. Lose right tube and baby in the tube.
**1st IUI with Injectibles cycle Feb 2008 BFP!!! :)
**TTC on hold until 2008
**8th clomid cycle 100mg Aug 2007 chemical pregnancy
**7th clomid cycle 100mg July 2007 BFN
**June 2007 testing on me normal, hysterscopy
**May 2007 genetic testing on baby normal
**April 6th no heartbeat, d&c April 10th
**6th clomid cycle 100mg Mar 2007 BFP
**Took 6 month break from TTC
**5th clomid cycle June 2006, didn't even ovulate
**June 2006 see RE diagnosed PCOS
**4th clomid cycle May 2006 BFN
**3rd clomid cycle April 2006 BFN
**2nd clomid cycle Feb 2006 BFP, natural m/c 5 days later
**1st clomid cycle Jan 2006 BFN
**TTC unsuccessfully for 9 months
**March 2 no heartbet, d&c Mar 4 @ 12wks
**Jan 2005 BFP
**Started TTC Dec 2004

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It has officially been 3 years...

Today almost came and went without me realizing what day it really was. It was three years ago today that Josh and I started this journey to have a baby. I remember waking up in the morning and realizing that af had arrived. I ran to my computer to figure out how long my cycle was and when I could expect ovulation and for af to arrive again. We were planning to start ttc in january. But by my calculations I would be ovulating in late December, which we decided was close enough to january.

I laugh at how niave I was then. I had no idea that my cycles were really off. I had never paid much attention to their length or felt the need to calculate how long they were. It is only by the grace of God that af arrived that day and that I did in fact ovulate in late december and ended up pregnant.

These last few years have been... something, i don't know if there really is a word that can describe them. They have been the worst years of my life in so many ways. But they have also had good parts. I am so thankful for those 4 precious babies. I treasure every moment that I spent with each of them. I am thankful for the friends that I have made in the midst of my tragedy and suffering. I am thankful for all that I have learned about myself, emotionally and physically. For knowing that I am strong enough to make it through.

I wish I could somehow change things. That I could have spent these last three years watching my child grow up instead of experiencing so much pain and sorrow. That I could continue to be naive about ttc and pregnancy and pregnancy loss, and all the stuff that goes along with it. But I cannot change those things. I have experienced so much in the last three years. Those experiences have molded me into the person that I am today.

I do pray that on this day next year I will be pregnant or holding my baby in my arms. I think 3 years is long enough!!!! I am looking forward to 2008 and all the blessings it will bring.

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Discontent....

Is that a word? It sounds weird. You know how that is when all of a sudden a word you have used all of your life sounds weird.

So I changed my template again. I think it is all my parents fault. When I was growing up my parents loved to rearrange the living room furniture. We would seriously do this every few months. Since then I have realized that I get really tired of the monotony of certain things, and must change it up a little. Unfortunately the layout of my living room cannot be changed much. So I guess i have moved on to changing my blog often. I hope you like. That is my adorable Chippy dog at the top. Josh took that action shot of him with his kong!!!

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A good day...

My last post was a success!!! I got so many lovely comments. Thank you to everyone who showed their support!!
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MEND had a candellight ceremony last night and it was lovely. Rebekah had wonderful things to say about gifts and compassion. I got to see a few friends I have made through the group and we are planning get togethers.

The only problem I had was with the lighting of the candles. Each family got up and said who they were lighting their candle for. I was completely unprepared for having to say something. And again my problem of not having really named my precious babies came back. So what to say? I really didn't think I could get up there and say all the dates and keep it together. So Josh said something lovely about all 4 of them. But then I felt bad, like I hadn't done them justice individually. I guess Josh and I need to figure out what to do about names.
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I'm gonna have a real sister in law!! Woohoo. I have to very sweet "fake" sisters in law. Fake means they aren't married, so techinically not related. But my brother finally got some guts and asked his girlfriend of 4 1/2 years to marry him. They haven't set a date yet, but hey this is progress.
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I have done no Christmas shopping. I know I'm such a slacker. I am waiting on my Christams bonus and then I guess I will run around like a crazy women trying to get everything in time. We are gonna go cheap this year, which means lots of homemade gifts that people probably don't want!!
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The tree is up and the house is almost decorated. I ordered my Christmas cards and hope to have them by this weekend so I can frantically get them addressed and mailed. I made Chip wear the sweater he hates for the picture. He is so darn cute in it. Unfortunalely he moved as the pic was being taken so he is kinda blury but I was too tired to take it again. And we were on the front porch and he saw a cat and was out of control. He just wanted to be that cat's friend and probably sniff her butt a little!!

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Affirmation...

I had already written this post and then decided it wasn't right and I sounded way too needy. So let me try again.

I have this deep desire to fit in somewhere. To have a group that understands me and has been or is where I am. I have a support forum that I am a member of that is for life after miscarriage. It is a great place. Most of them do not suffer from IF also, so they get pg again quickly and go on to have a baby. And since I am really not ttc right now I don't feel like I fit in much. I have tried other IF forums and boards, but there are so many members it seems hard to break in a meet people. There's also the IF, m/c blog community that I feel I am a part of. But I think I am on the fringe. I don't really have a close relationship with anyone. I just read their blogs and comment occasionally.

I personally appreciate every comment that I receive on my blog. I don't get as many as I like, but I treasure them all. So from this moment on I am going to make an almost new year's resolution to comment on more blogs. It doesn't have to be a deep and meaningful comment. Just something to tell them I'm reading and I care. If I want to meet people and make friends then I have to do some work. So I'm gonna. I might even join some forums and really try to plug in.

But before I do that I do want to thank some people for their nice comments.

Beth, thanks for always having something sweet and caring to say. Also, thanks for the song you posted. My friend Donna said that song really helped her after her m/c but I had never heard it. I found it online and listened and it is just beautiful. I'm looking forward to tomorrow night!!

Jenjilla, thanks for identifying yourself. It is so nice to hear that you really want to reach out to the women in your life who have suffered loss. I know you are in a difficult place since you have a healthy child, but take it from me that any effort you make to reach out to those women will be greatly appreciated. And your son is adorable!!

Sharee, you always speak directly to my heart with your comments. You truly are an inspiration to me. All that you have been through is truly amazing. And now you hold your son in your arms. It was a long road, but im sure it was so worth it. thank you for speaking truth to me. I'm always excited when you comment or email. I know that your words are true and that they come from a heart that knows the pain.

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Almost three years...

In just a few days I will have been ttc for three years. I cannot believe that it has been three years. It seems like time has flown by, but also stood still.

For some reason today my mind has been thinking about that first little baby that was conceived almost three years ago. I am remembering all the dates; af arrived 12/11, conceived 12/26, positive hpt 1/10, no more m/s 2/20, dr appt where we found out baby had died 3/2, D&C 3/4.

I seriously couldn't believe that we got pg on our first try. I just knew it was going to take awhile since my cycles were never normal. I remember begging Josh to let me take the test early. We had set a date to test, but of course being the future poasaholic that I was I wanted to test early. I just knew that it was going to be positive and I wanted to know sooner. So he gave in and let me take it. We were both so happy. Josh's birthday was in two days and this was the best gift ever. We had some friends over for his birthday, and josh announced it to them by saying "all Rian got me was a stick with two pink lines!!!" Everyone was so excited for us.

I wonder as time continues to go on if these memories will leave me slowly. Or if they are so much a part of who I am now that I will remember all of the details forever. I hope that I do. These memories, and even the bad ones too, are all that I have left of that precious little life that I carried for 12 weeks. That life that meant so much to me and forever will.

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the stirrup queen does it again...

I have a post rolling around in my head that concerns the wonderful people that have commented recently. But first I must link to Mel's blog once again. As always she has said something so poignant. She and a few other bloggers, such as Julie from A little pregnant, were recently interviewed for a story in the Globe and Mail. When you read the article, don't forget to read the comments.

What this post is about is Mel's blog on comparing infertility to cancer. I think it is wonderfully written and everyone should read it. Especially anyone who doesn't suffer from infertility or who thinks people are crazy for pursuing such extreme measures to have a child or if you just think we should all adopt!!!

Happy reading...Empathy

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November baby...

For the last 8 months I wasn't sure how I would spend Thanksgiving. November 23rd was my due date with the baby I lost in April. I really thought that I would just want to stay home in bed and wallow. But I decided to go home and spend it with family. I think it was a great decision. The long weekend was wonderful. We had a great time seeing both sides of the family. I got to spend all day Thanksgiving with my family and help my mom cook. Something I haven't been able to do in a long time. Even though my heart still broke everytime I thought of not being pg and delivering soon. And what I will be missing at Christmas, it was nice to have the distraction of family. Christmas, now that is another hurdle that I will have to get over. But for now I am just trying to focus on this milestone that has been passed. Oh and another thing that helped take my focus off of friday was that af showed and I spent half the day in bed with cramps so bad they made me nauses. What a great way to spend the day huh? So 76 days, not a record for me, but still too freaking long.

Dearest November baby,
I can never express in words how much you mean to me and how broken my heart is that you are not here with me. The day I found out I was pg with you was one of the happiest days of my life. I started dreaming and planning from the beginning. It was a blissful 3 weeks. But sadly you had to leave just like the others did. And you left a hole in my heart that will never be filled. I wait expectantly for the day that we will meet again and I will finally get to hold you. I love you so much.
Love,
Mom

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I have a good post coming later.


Here is a pic of Josh and I young, very very young. Oh high school football games how I miss the.

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New look...

Hey do you like the new look? Let me know what ya think.

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Happy blogoversary to me.

Today marks my 2 year blogging anniversary. It certainly has been an interesting two years. Life has been up and life has been down. But I am extrememly happy that I have this outlet to express my feelings. And thank you to everyone who reads and comments. I really appreciate all the support!!!!!

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Anonymous commenter...

When I first saw that I had a comment from anounymous I cringed. I know too many bloggers out there who have had exrememly rude, condescending comments on their blogs. But I do have to say that this anon commenter was very nice in saying what she needed to say. But I will be honest and tell you that I still dislike anon comments. If you have something to say to someone, and you think it is important, why do you hide behind anonymous?

And thank you so much Beth for trying to clarify things!!

Here is what I have to say to the anon commentor. I really do appreciate your comment. I think you were very nice and sweet in expressing your opinion and for that I thank you. I do believe that you took what I said about drug addicts incorrect. It breaks my heart daily that I have no children and may never. It also breaks my heart to see women who abuse their body in a variety of ways so easily concieve, while I must spend years and money to do so. I respect each and every mother who puts her child up for adoption instead of choosing to abort. I am sure that is a gut wrenching decision.

I do not agree however that adoption should be so expensive and seemingly out of reach for so many couples. The logical thought would be that if a couple wants to adopt and thus put themselves through an emotional and physchological rollercoaster, they must really want a child. My concern is how many children already go unadopted and live life in foster homes, many of which are not loving, caring environments.

I tried to find some stats on what precentage of children are not adopted but didn't have much luck. I did find this website that gives stats about children in foster care. It says that on September 30, 2005, 513,000 children were living in foster care. That number is astonishing to me. I know that some of those eventually returned to their parents or live with family members, but many will stay until they turn 18. It seems to me that if adoption were more affordable maybe more couples would adopt and these children would have loving homes.

I personally would love to have a lot of kids, 4-6.(Josh may be having a heart attack right now!!) But with my currently IF situation that won't be happening biologically. I am open to adopting 1 or even more children. But that is not a reality for us. We cannot afford even one and that breaks my heart to know that children may have to spend their days in foster care because for some reason adoption has to be so expensive.

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33%

My friend Beth mentioned that she was thinking about volunteering for Glad.ney adoption. This sounded like a good idea to me. I have been feeling lately that I am too self involved. I even forgot my step mom's birthday. All I seem to think about is my own pain and suffering. I really need to get out of myself and do something worth while.

So today I went to the Glad.ney adoption website and started looking around. I decided to sign up to get the free adoption info. That was a mistake. I have heard that they are one of more expensive adoption centers, but still are they serious with these amounts?

Income Adoption Fee
Less than $75,000 $25,700
$75,001-$100,000 $28,700
$100,001-$150,000 $34,700
$150,001-$200,000 $40,700
$200,001 plus $42,700




So for a couple who makes less than $75, 000 they have to spend 1/3 of their income on adoption. How do people do that? I know that 1/3 of my income goes to paying bills. I could also do 3 IVF cycles for 25, 000.

It just makes me sad that any drug addict can have a baby. But a women who would be wonderful mother can't have children because her body is screwed up and she's not rich. It just doesn't seem fair.

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29...

Today i turn 29, today I start the 30th year of my life. So to continue with the mood of my blog for the last few weeks; how depressing. I cannot even fathom that I am 29 and no where close to having a baby. I just want to cry when I think about it. Yes being the poasaholic that I am i did test this am and it was nice and white with only one line. I have been having a ton of ovary/uterus pain, so I thought what the heck. So since I am not pg I wonder what in the world is going on down there? Maybe I should call the dr. It has been a couple months since I've been violated by a dr with a camera!!!!! :P Or maybe it is just that it is cd 63 and my body is completely screwed up beyond repair.

Ok on to happier things. My birthday has gotten off to a good start. Some girlfriends and I went out to dinner on thursday. My coworkers brought me breakfast yesterday and we are going to Cheesecake factory next wednesday. Josh and I are gonna go somewhere yummy like PF changs for lunch today and see a movie. And Beth and I are getting pedicures later. So all in all not too shabby of a bday.

Oh and Josh already gave me my gift. It is a beautiful "inspiration" dress. It is from White House, Black Market. Oh how I so love that store. Anyway, It is a size 8 and so very very beautiful. Luckily it was on for 75% off because that place is expensive. So I will hang it up where I can see it everyday and hopefully in just a few short months I can wear it!!!! I am so excited. It helps to have motivation to get my butt in gear and lose weight. I have been doing pretty good, but I seem to be yo-yoing this 4 pounds that I can't seem to get past. And my birthday isn't helping me much. But next week I will be super strict. I want to lose another 8 pounds before thanks giving, taking the total to a whopping 18 pounds. WooHoo!!!!!!!!!

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My voice


As a child I dreamt of getting married and having children young. Those dreams of my youth did not include infertility and recurrent miscarriage. They didn't include doctors, blood tests, drugs, sonograms, surgeries and so many many tears. Those dreams are gone and all that's left is the fear that I may never have children. That I may never be able to achieve the very essence of why woman was created.

Two years into my infertility journey, after two miscarriages, I was diagnosed with PCOS (poly cystic ovarian syndrome). The basis of this syndrome is that I do not ovulate and I have an increased risk of miscarriage. Basically it is close to impossible that I would ever get pregnant on my own. Because of this I see a specialest, a reproductive endocrinologist.

I have been on this rollercoaster called infertility for almost 3 years now. In that time I have done 8 cycles of clomid and had four miscarriages. I have also spent about $10,000. Now I am at a crossroads. It is time to move on to more aggressive treatments such as IUI (intra uterine insemination) with injectible medicine or possibly IVF (in-vitro infertilization). Neither of these is covered by my insurance. At my clinic an IUI with injectibles cycle is $4000 and IVF is $8000. Another option for me is adoption, but that can be anywhere from $15000-$30000. My husband and I both have good jobs, but we are not in a position where we can afford any of these treatments or adoption.

So where does this leave me? It leaves me with a broken heart and shattered dreams. The one thing that I have wanted all of my life I may never have. It leaves me feeling sad and inadequate. Feeling like a failure since I can't make my husband a father, or my mother a grandmother. Wondering what life will be like when my husband and I get older and there are no children to take care of us. Wondering how I will ever be able to live a childless life without becoming a shell of a person. These are things I don't like to think about. I try to keep hope alive in my heart. But without insurance coverage my dream of becoming a mother may just be that... a dream.

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Is she still whining...

Yup, sorry faithful readers, but I am still having my pity party and prolly will for the next 20 days or so. Have you ever felt that if one more thing in your life goes crappy you might just run and hide? Well that's where I am. I really feel like everything is falling apart. My IF and recurrent m/c, plus my recent marriage issues, the future of my employment and my church are unsure.

Things are happening at work and I may not have a job after January. I hate having to find a new job. I have worked here for 5 years, and although it is not my dream job, it is comfortable and I like comfortable. I hate having to meet all the new people and learn all the ends and outs of a new job. You know learning how things run in a new office and who is nice and who is not and all the politics and such. It just sounds exhausting.

As for church. I am not sure what the future holds. I love my church. I have been going there since it started almost 8 years ago. Josh and I had been married 6 months and I knew nobody, since I had just moved here after living in one place for 20 years. Church really is the only thing that has made it some what easy to live so far away from my family. But now it seems like it may be falling apart. Good friends are leaving and that makes me so sad. It is so hard to work in time to spend together as it is with busy lives, it will be so much harder now.

As for cycle news. My dad and I have been playing phone tag. I am ok with that because I am so afraid he will tell me that we can't have the money. But I know I just need to call him and get it over with. Oh in case you were trying to keep count today is cd 58. Woofreakinghoo for me!!!!!

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I should be...

37 weeks tomorrow. But I'm not. Instead I will be spending my day shopping at Canton. It is going to be great. I would definately rather be 37wks pg but shopping is the next best option I guess. No wait, shopping is #3. Sitting on a beach somewhere would be #2!!!

Anywho, Nov is officially here and I can feel myself becoming even more of a basketcase than normal. It is gonna be really hard to not just live in my closet for the next month. And then seeing the nephew at Thanksgiving. I love that kid so much, but it is gonna be hard seeing him going through all of his "firsts".

In other news my friend B just had her third Etopic pregnancy, which required major surgery. There are no words. I just don't know why this has to keep happening to women, and especially the same ones over and over. Why can't we just bring our babies home like most mothers get to?

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12 wonderful years...

Today is our dating anniversary. We have been couple in some form of the word since October 29, 1995. I was 17 and he was 18. We were young and in love!! There were times in the 3.5 years before we got married that we weren't sure we were gonna make it, but I always knew in my heart he was on the one I would spend the rest of my life with. So thanks Josh for making the last 12 years of my life so wonderful and fun!!!!

Dan in real life...

I don't know if you have seen the preview for this movie, but it is wonderful and I would suggest it to everyone. The story is so great and it makes you laugh and cry. I think Steve Carrell did a fabulous job. This movie made me want to have kids even more than I already do. I loved all the family traditions that they had. You just have to see it.

Reign over me...

Adam Sandler seriously should win an award for this movie. His performance was so moving. I was truly amazed at how good the whole movie was. I was a little skeptic going in, but I loved it. So if you are in the mood for a really good movie and maybe a side of crying you should really see this

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I'm ok...

I went to wal-mart today. For those in the IF world, WM is not the place to go if you are having a bad day. Women with 5 screaming kids and big pg bellies everywhere. But I had to go and get a prescription. So I took a deep breath and went in. After I got my prescription I went over to the food to get some stuff for dinner. At this walmart they have cleverly placed the baby section right next to the frozen food. From a distance I saw the rack of baby Christmas dresses. The one on the front was a newborn size, so cute and tiny. For some reason I decided to walk over and look at it. And then the thoughts started... I should be buying a newborn Christmas dress for my baby. And then I kept walking in the baby area. All the while wondering why I was torturing myself. I saw the coats and thought I should be buying on of these too. After looking around for a minute I decided I had enough.
As I was walking away I realized I was OK. It was a weird feeling. I wasn't a total mess, trying to fight back the tears. I was OK. My heart was still aching because of what I don't have, but I think after three years of this rollercoaster I am in a new place emotionally. And I think it is a good place. A place where I could see myself being ok with not having kids. A place where I can look at baby stuff and not spend the next day in bed. I guess this is just another part of the journey. And I am sure there will still be times when I will leave in tears, but I think they will be the exception.
In other news Josh and I are seriously looking into adoption. I have thrown the thought around in my head for a while. But I think now is the time to start everything. Of course the biggest issue is money, but there are assistant programs so we are looking into those too. The future is definately uncertain at this moment. But I think i am ok with that.

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Random photos...

Here are some random pictures that I thought I would share with you. Enjoy.



First, this is the cutest, most adorable dog in the world!! Question to those of you without children but have pets and treat your pets as children. When you tell your friends with kids about the adorable things your pet does do you tend to feel a little pathetic afterwards? Just wondering if it is just me or not!!!




Here is a picture of the cakes that Annie and I made for Becki's shower. We were very proud, this being our first cake decorating endeavor!!


This is the henna tatto I had done at the fair. I love it. I think I'm gonna buy a henna kit and have Josh draw designs on my ankles and such. It gives me my tatoo fix without the pain!




This is my front porch all decorated for fall. Josh and I and our friend David went to a real pumpkin patch and picked all these pumpkins. I love pumpkins and I love fall. Oh and the weather is starting to cool off, so it really feels like fall!!



And lastely this is a pic of the beautiful, long stem, red roses that Josh bought me for PAIL day. Isn't he a sweetie?



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37wk stillbirth...

Please keep my friend Dara and her family in your thoughts and prayers. We were in the November pg club together. Sadly I had to leave but her pg was going strong. On wed she was having contractions that were 5 min apart so she went to the hospital. When she got there they were unable to find a heartbeat. She delivered her beautiful daughter Maya still. The cord and placenta all looked fine, they are doing an autopsy.

This is so surreal to me. I have met many people who have lost term babies. But this is the first where I watched the pg and felt a connection to the mother. There are no gaurantees. Those two pink lines do not mean a baby is coming home...

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My flickering lights


Here is a picture of my 4 precious candles as seen from my front yard.


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I am remembering you today...




I remember you everyday, but today is special. Today is the day the federal government has declared as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. Every year on October 15th mothers from all over America remember those special babies that they didn't get to bring home. One way we do this is by lighting a candle at 7pm and letting it burn for an hour. You can find other ways to remember your babies by visiting the official website here.



Pregnancy loss affects so many women every year. The most recent statistic I found in my very quick google search was this Out of the 6.23 million pregnancies in 1999, 1 million of them ended in miscarriage. That number does not include still birth or infant loss. So many babies gone to early and so many mothers with broken hearts and empty arms.



So today I remember those 4 little souls that left me too early. I think of all the dreams I had for them and all that we have missed out on. Oh how I wish they were all here with me. Josh and I will be lighting 4 candles tonight. And while they burn we will think of our special little babies and pray that God will bless us soon with a child to hold in our arms.



So if you have a lost a baby remember them today. If you have not lost a child remember the women in your life who have

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Ignorance is bliss...

Since I am not at the moment doing any kind of ART treatment, then I have absolutely no idea where I am in my cycle. I mean I know what cd it is (my homepage tells me this nifty info) but i don't know if I O'd and if I did then when. My assumption is that since I took progesterone at the end of the last cycle then I would have O'd on this cycle. If this assumption is true then I may be done with the 2ww.
Of course the only way to confirm any of this is to take the dreaded HPT. Which I just happen to have some of at home. Now what I find interesting is this the first month I can remember where I have not wanted to take a test. I think it is because I don't believe my body would do anything right on its own! So what to do, what to do???
After almost 3 years of doing this I am pretty good at not reading into symptoms. But you know how it is, with every twinge and pinch hope kinda creeps in. I have decided that if I do test it will be fmu. So it has been pretty easy to just jump out of bed and run to the bathroom before I even think about testing. I guess that is me trying to protect myself. Because you know I am going to be a mess either way. Cd 32 and counting...

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I keep losing my membership card...

I have noticed in life that there are these "clubs" that people are members of. Here are some examples of clubs: religion, parenting style, age group, infertilty, pg loss, single, married, and so on and so forth. Some clubs I am a memeber of include: infertilty, pg loss, married, christian, late 20's, animal lover... Some of these clubs actually have scheduled meetings where the members get together. Like i have been to a pg loss club meeting and I have a friend who has started attending meetings about her parenting style. But most of the clubs are not defined by meetings. They seem to be defined by life. Wherever I am in life is what club I am in. Since I'm married I am a member of the married club.
Seriously, I am getting to my point I promise. Anywho, there is a club of mothers. Women who actually have little ones running around. This is a club I am not a member of. I have been giving my memebership card 4 times and have lost each and every time. So now I sit on the sidelines and watch this invisible club meet in front of me. Sometimes it is just too hard to watch and my heart just breaks even more. Thankfully those days are the minority. It seems that I usually do pretty well just sitting on the sidelines watching all that I am missing.
I recently read a story of a lady who after all the ART treatments not working, decided to be childless. She said it works for her and she just spoils her neice and nephews and she and her dh enjoy traveling. I just don't know if I want to be a member of the childless club. Will I ever really be able to say that I am content with being childless? Or will I continue to "try" in some sense of the word until the day menopause hits? And either way how will i ever be content not being an official memeber of the mother's club? Seeing even more of what I am missing.
These are the questions I ask myself while trying to balance being an IF'er and watching my friends and family continue their lives with children.

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More support

So a few weeks ago I set up a website for my new business. I am going to be making custom scrapbooks. I decided to do this to make extra money to pay for treatments and possibly adoption if it comes to that.

So if you have thousands of pictures sitting around just waiting to be made into something beautiful give me a holler. I would love to help you out. Here is the link to my website.
http://www.pictureitscrapbooks.com/

The amazing Mel over at Stirrup Queens just came up with an amazing idea. She has started compiling a list of IFer's who are selling things or providing services to raise money for IF treatment or adoption. I think this is a great idea. So if you are struggling with IF and need some extra funds come up with something to sell and tell Mel about it. I have already seen an adorable baby sweater I may have to buy for a friend. So click on the link that is on my side bar and start shopping. Check back often as new business will be added.


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It's all about support...

I am currently wearing my pomegranite red bracelet. I wear it to make others aware of infertility. To create awareness that this is a disease that affects 6 million Americans. It is a medical problem and medical insurance should cover testing and treatments. If you haven't gotten your bracelet yet visit DMarie's blog and purchase one. All profits go towards Infertility Awareness.






Can I just say how heartbroken I am for Jenna. Her adoption fell through at the last moment. On her blog she compares the pain she feels to her miscarriage. I can't even imagine. But luckily she has some wonderful friends. One of her friends is trying to raise money for Jenna's adoption journey, and also for IF awareness. They are going to have a raffle to raise the money. Please go and buy some tickets. They are also going to give 5% of the money to one of the bloggers who purchases tickets. So I'm gonna go over there and buy some. I am truly amazed at how selfless this friend of Jenna's is being.

So read all the details below and go get you some tickets. Maybe you will win!!!! :)

The Process:You can purchase a pack of raffle tickets from their online store (using PayPal only). Simply click the 'raffle' icon and select the pack(s) of tickets you are interested in (Iphone, PS3, Webkinz). Tickets come in groups of 6 for $5 or 13 for $10. Add as many to your shopping cart as you'd like. When you check out, be sure to give an email address that you will check often because that will be how you will be notified if you are the winner of one of the prizes. You will be sent an email containing your ticket numbers (a receipt of sorts) once your payment goes through.

NOTE: If you would also like to be a part of the blogger special prize donation, then you MUST type your IF/adoption blog address into the window marked as "Special Instructions". This must be an active blog that is focused on infertility or adoption. If you don't have a blog, feel free to enter the address of a friend whose blog has helped you through your own journey.


The Fine Print:


*The same person cannot win more than one prize, however, multiple people within the same household are eligible to win.


*The drawing will take place on November 26, 2007


*Prizes will be mailed out on December 1, 2007 (assuming they've made contact with the winners)


*If they cannot contact the winner within 30 days, a new winner will be drawn.


*The names of the winners will be posted on Jenna's blog right after the drawing

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God is good...

God's grace and mercy amazes me daily. He is so good to me even when I am not really paying much attention to Him. I am going to honestly say that I have had a hard time spending time with him or praying since the m/c in april. That paticular m/c rocked my world more than the other two combined. See we (me, josh and my whole church, mom and family) were praying that I would not get pg again until i was going to carry to term. That prayer had been prayed every day for almost a year. So when I got pg I was 100% sure that pg would stick and I would be bringing home a baby in november. Even when we went for the first sono and things didn't look good, I still believed we would have that baby. So, when we went for the 2nd sono and there was no hb my world fell apart more than it ever had.

I think the first two m/c helped to bring me closer to God, but the thrid one just pushed me away. And then a bfn and a chemical pg just added to it. The more pain I had to go through and the more happiness and blessings I saw in my friends lives just made me not believe anymore. I still believed in God, but didn't really believe that He loved me like he did everyone else. That I was doing something wrong and thus being punished. I have had many great people try and speak truth into my life , but it is hard to listen sometimes.

Last weekend when I felt my marriage and my life were crumbling at my feet I was mad at God again. I couldn't believe that he was going to have me walk through something else. Why the heck did he think I was so strong? He knew that forgiveness was hard for me and that was the one thing I had to do to save my marriage. So last saturday my heart was broken for the millionth time and I didn't know how I was going to recover.

On Sunday our pastor talked about forgivness. Mainly about accepting God's forgiveness of us. It was perfect timing of course because there are no coincidences with God. I realized then that I had to forgive josh. And the fact that he wept at my feet and told me over and over how sorry he was made it that much easier.

I am truly amazed at what God has done in our lives over the past 6 days. There is no anger or bitterness between us. We are so much in love and just want to spend time with each other. I have completely forgiven him for this and other things that I felt the need to harbor for the last 9 years. I am free, we are free and I just want to shout it from the rooftops how wonderful God is. It is nothing short of a miracle how things have worked out. There is no way in my humanness that I could have forgiven him. It was all the grace and mercy of God.

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2 years old...

It seems with each passing anniversary it gets easier. It is still not a fun day. But the freshness of the wound is no longer there. This is the third time I have had to celebrate this anniversary and this is just the beginning. I think I will always remember this day and what could have been.

This is the due date of my very first little baby. I can still remember the day that we conceived. I knew that we had because it was the only time in my life up until then that I had felt ovulation pain. I had always feared that it would take a long time for me to get pg with all my cycle issues (boy was I right!!) but we got pg on that very first cycle. And I was so happy and overjoyed. Seeing those two pink lines was one of the happiest days of my life.

I had friends who had m/c so I was a little cautious. But I think I still believed it wouldn't happen to me. Because of insurance I wasn't able to see the dr until 12wks. I think that was a blessing and a curse. I was never able to see a heartbeat which was there until 10.5wks. Sometimes I am so happy that I never saw it and then at other times I am sad. It would be nice to have had one nice sono in these last 3 years.

So here I sit thinking how incredibly different my life would be with a 2 year old running around. So many dreams lost. I have heard a lot of women say that even though they are not happy that they m/c, when they do go on to have a baby they know that m/c baby was sacrificed so they could have the other. Does that make sense?? Anyways, that would not be the case for me. I have been pg four times, but three of those could have really happened. I could have a 2, 1 and soon to be born baby. I know it would be hard but hey I would do it. So it seems all of mine have died in vain. They didn't leave to make room for another, because all the others left too.

It looks like ttc will be put on hold until the beginning of the year. Even if I get the money, I think we will wait because of the holidays and such. It will be interesing to see if my pattern holds. I have gotten pg in jan, feb and march. Maybe april will be my lucky month.

I am still praying for that 1 in a million chance...

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I found the answer

So, many of us ask how can we not think about babies and pregnancy when it is all around? Well, I have found the answer. Have something completely devestating happen in your marriage and your focus will be changed. And no I don't want to talk about it for those of you I know in real life. But this is my outlet and I have to be able to express everything that happens in my life or I might just shrivel up and die.



So Josh and I are having issues but I am happy to say that we are working through it. And much quicker than expected. I have issues with trust and forgiveness. But it amazes me how easily forgiveness is coming. Trust, now that will take a little longer. But I'm happy to say I feel like we are on the right track.



Can I tell you what the oddest thing of all of this is? Even though my heart was shattered into a million pieces and it was because of something stupid he did, I feel at this very moment that I love him more now than I ever have in the last 12 years we have been together. I just have this desire to be with him. I love the sound of his voice and beautiful blue of his eyes. It just really feels so surreal to me. I should be mad and sad and not head over heals for him.



But I guess God works in mysterious ways sometimes. And even though I would never wish this pain and suffering on me or josh. I am happy to say that our marriage is already stronger. The last three years have been such a rollercoaster for us both. But I believe now that we can survive anything.

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Support group

Have any of you ever been to a real life support group? Well, last night josh and i went to one. This was a first in our almost 3 years of IF and recurrent m/c. I have an online forum I am a member of and of course all the wonderful ladies in the blogosphere. But this was the first time I had met people face to face who are where I am.

The group I went to was called MEND. Most of the families suffered from stillbirth, most were full term and most were cord accidents. So that gives me something else to worry about if I ever get to that stage of pg. Anywho, there were a few other women there who had suffered m/c. It was just nice to know I wasn't alone and that I can know people who have been there. They only meet once a month for this meeting. They also have an IF meeting once a month too. But I won't be able to attended that this month, josh has a work thing we have to go to. I liked that the meetings were for moms and dads. Josh was a great support.

On October 6th they are having a Walk to Remember. Has anyone done this before? It's interesting because the book I just read by Ayelet Waldman Love and other impossible pursuits, talked about one of these walks. Apparently it is a common loss thing. It happens all over the country during the month of October. Which happens to be Pregnancy and Infant loss awareness month. I have mixed feelings about the walk. My main problem is when they call out the names of the babies. I haven't named any of mine. Does that make me a bad mother? Josh and I just never gave them cute little nick names, and I don't know the sex of any of them so we didn't give them real names. I would hate for them to call out Moody baby 1-4. So I think that part would be awkward. I do like the idea of them having a memorial table. I can take my two scrapbooks I made and my sono pic from the thrid pg. It will be nice to share those since only josh and one friend have seen them.

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Thoughts...

So my dad said yes about the money. But i don't know when he will give it to us. So the waiting continues. I am hoping and praying for follow through on his end.

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Since I don't know when we will get the money I am not currently doing anything IF wise. Which makes me feel hopeless. It's awful but I really don't believe I can get pg without medical intervention. I thought about going on bcp so that my cycles won't be totally out of control. But josh didn't want to. Because of that 1 in a million chance that we could conceive on our own. Wouldn't that be wonderful if it did happen? But im not holding my breath.

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My diet is going well. I have currently lost 8 pounds. Woohoo!!! Go me!! Anyways, i still need to go to the gym. Changing my eating is only gonna get me so far. The only good thing about not cycling is that I can spend more time on losing the weight and not thinking I'm just gonna get pg so why work on it. The one habit I can't change is Coke. I have to have at least 1 a day (don't ask how many ounces that one is)!!!!

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I'm not faithful with taking my prenatals. It is something I really need to work on. The morning I found out my 2nd pg was over I had taken my prenatals that morning and hadn't eaten. My stomach was upset for the rest of the day. For some reason now I associate taking them with loss. and after each loss it gets harder and harder to take them. It amazes me that I will spend 1000's of dollars to try and have a baby, but the little things I should be doing are hard for me.

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These last couple of days have been really hard for me. It seems pg and babies are every where and it just makes me sad. I feel so hopeless. That I have been doing this for almost three years and am no closer to having a baby. The next three months, each with their own edd, are gonna be torture. I think they will be even worse since I'm not doing anything to make my dream come true. I am just so ready to be on the other side of this journey.

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I need courage...

I am going to ask my dad for money!!!! Let me give those of you who don't know me a little background info. My mom and dad divorced with I was less than 1. When I was 9 he gave me and my older brother up to be adopted by our step father. Who just happened to be a big jerk most of the time. When I was 25 I decided to try and have a relationship with him. He was very open to it. Since then we have met about every month or so for dinner and a movie or something like that. He knows that I have had 2 m/c and that I am seeing a specialist. But he doesn't really know the rest of the story. Our relationship is pretty surfacy. He has never asked me about my childhood, or wanted to see pictures or anything. We basically talk about his restuarants, josh's job and other non important things.

So I am having him and his wife over for dinner tonight to ask him to give me money to continue our efforts to have a child and I am terrified. I am truly afraid that he will say no. His role in my life usually only brings about pain, so I'm having a hard time believing this will be any different. I am praying that God will touch him and he will choose to be generous. A good friend pointed out how wonderful it would be if he did give us the money and I did go on to have a baby. How connected he would hopefully already feel to that child. I know that my step mom wants us to have children very badly. She has never had any and never will, so I am hoping that will help him in his decision. So if you pray will you say one for me to have courage and for God's will to be done.

Thanks, I'll let you know how it goes.

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A new friend

Thanks to Lost and Found, which can be found here, I have found a new blog to read and add to my sidebar. I wanted to tell you about it so you all can visit her and be praying for her. Her name is Emilie and she is 10wks pregnant. She found out a few weeks ago that she has a tumor in her abdomen and she has to have it removed. The surgery is tomorrow. Please pray for her, the baby and her husband and son. I cannot imagine how stressful this must be for her.

Here is the link to her blog so you can read the whole story.

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Happiness...

I have read on a few blogs lately about women trying to be happy and content with where they are. But I don't know how to do that, really. I think I'm good at putting on a happy face for the world, but I can't remember the last time I was truly happy with my circumstances. How can I be happy when something that I want so badly I keep losing?

I have to come to a place where I can be content with my life without children. Because at the moment having them looks grim to me. I can no longer afford my RE and my insurance is crap. So I am all alone with my PCOS and my not ovulating. So where does that leave me? Without children, except by the grace of God. I know he can do anything. But after almost three years it is hard for me to think that giving me a child is on the list. I know that I have learned a lot from this journey and grown closer to him, but right now I am tired of learning and growing.

So the bleeding hasn't started yet. I know that some of you have known you were going to m/c and chose to let it happen naturally. I have a lot of respect for you. I have never had to wait and it is killing me. I just want it over. As long as there is no bleeding then there is still hope and my heart doesn't feel like hoping.

I am just so sad right now. I know that this will pass and I will be in higher spririts. But it might be a while. I have an EDD in each of the next three months. Sooooo. I was thinking they would all be easier if I was pg. Especially the one in November. I still haven't decided if we are going home for Thanksgiving or if i will sleep the whole weekend. I guess time will tell.

On a good note I did just buy a Blue October cd. I love that band. I listend to the Ocean song this morning and it expresses a little how i feel. Here are the lyrics I relate to.

I want to swim away but don't know how
Sometimes it feels just like I'm falling in the ocean
Let the waves up take me down
Let the hurricane set in motion... yeah
Let the rain of what I feel right now...come down
Let the rain come down
Let the rain come down

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Chemical pregnancy...

Those are just some not so fancy words for a really early miscarriage. So I went in for my beta and it was 4.78 and anything under 5 is non viable. She wants me to come back in on sunday for another beta, but i hate to spend another $85 for a blood test. Af hasn't shown yet since I was on the progesterone, but I expect the bleeding to start any day now. Life just keeps getting better and better. So almost three years and 4 miscarriages later this is who I am. An infertile who miscarries and no on knows why because all testing comes back normal. Where do i go from here???

Ok now i really don't know what to do with my life. Should I just give up and move on? It seems the odds are stacked against me. I found this little snippet that takes all of my hope away.

If you have had three pregnancies and three miscarriages there is a 60% chance you will miscarry again. If you have had four miscarriages with no live births your chances of a healthy pregnancy drop to 0-5%.

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Three years ago...

I was leaving on a cruise to the caribbean. We were going to celebrate our 5th wedding anniversary and to make up for not going on a honeymoon. I was so excited. I had always wanted to go on a cruise. I was 25 at the time and had never seen the ocean. From the moment I saw the Caribbean I feel in love. I am now officially an ocean girl. Dh hates it because he is a mountain guy. Anyways, the cruise was amazing. The food was wonderful, the ship was so much fun and the places we visited were interesting. We went to Cancun, Cozumel, Belize City and Roatan Honduras. In Cancun I got to swim with the dolphins. It was the most amazing thing I have ever done.

We went on the cruise in September and in December we started TTC. We thought we should go on a really nice vaca before we had kids. That was three years ago. Since then I have been to South Dakota, Jamaica and California. All without children. I have such wonderful memories of that cruise. But my life since then has not been so wonderful. I really hope that I cannot go on a nice vacation next year because I will have a baby.


But for now I'm gonna leave you with some pictures to enjoy.







Sorry the good pics were taken with film.

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How has loss changed you?

This is a question that was posted on my forum and I thought it was very thought provoking. I am gonna answer it here and would love to see what others have to say about how they have been changed.

I believe that loss has made me a different person. Not good or bad different but different. I don't think I am that happy, go lucky girl I once was. One who saw her future and knew what it looked like.

I know that I still believe in dreams and miracles, but it is harder now for me to see them coming true for me. It is just easier to think other's get their desires and I don't. And I will never have a worry free pregnancy. I am too educated in all that can happen. My innocence about pregnancy has been stolen from me.

I think that loss has strengthened my marriage. Josh is such a wonderful husband and has been with me through all the crap. He has seen me at my very worst. The ugly person that I can be during suffering. He has rejoiced with me and wept with me. He has lost his children too and I know that it has impacted him in such a deep way. I am extrememly thankful that he has been by my side through it all and I know that he loves me regardless if we ever have children.

I think that loss has brought me closer to God. Which is interesting. The world tends to question God and ask him why he didn't stop bad things from happening. Granted I have asked him these things also, but I always end up remembering the truth. We live in a fallen and sinful world and bad things happen.period. I have some father issues and I believe that God has walked me through this to strenthen my faith in him. That even when my whole world seems to fall apart he is always there and loves me unconditionally. He weeps with me when i cry for my children. His heart is broken when mine is broken. He is the father that I have always wanted to have.

Loss has also given me so many more friends. Women out three who have been through the pain and sorrow and know how it feels. Who are shoulders for me to cry on. And who I can encourage through their tough times. I treasure their friendship so much, words can't express.

So how has loss changed you?

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Poo...

I didn't even notice I already did my 100th post. I'm sure it was something very exciting and inspiring!!!!

I just checked and it was my soapbox post. I guess that is a good one to have as my century mark.

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Goals.

So I have a couple of goals I want to share with you guys.

  1. I really really want to have a baby before I am 30. That gives me 15 months. That should be long enough!! Ha, ha. It has been over 2.5 years!!! I guess I have high hopes.
  2. I want to be able to fit into my wedding dress by my 30 birthday. So the best way for this to happen is that I get pg this cycle and then I would have 5 months after the baby is born to lose the weight. So goal two really won't happen until goal one does. I mean I will be working on losing weight right now, but when I get pg I will have to put goal 2 on hold.

So here's hoping #1 happens soon...

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Randomness...



So I cut my hair. It is now 10 inches shorter. Boy does my head feel lighter!! I am donating it to Locks of love. Here is a pic just to show you how much 10 inches is.





















My mil came down last weekend for a visit before she started back to school. She brought with her a table that my mother gave us. We put it in the corner and put this new light over it. We bought the lights after Christmas at IKEA (which is my favorite store). So here is a picture for you all to enjoy.


So that's it, nothing exciting. Oh wait there is some really goody cycle news, but I will share that at another time...

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Bored...

I was bored and reading other blogs when I got the idea to do a video montage. It's not exciting. And I'm not gonna pay for premium just so I can put captions under the photos. So if you don't know me then you won't know who anyone is!!! The first pic is Josh and our nephew Miles. The other ones with josh have me in them, so at least you will know that!!! Enjoy. Oh and I absolutely love this song.

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Soapbox...

Ok I don't know if any of you saw a recent show of Oprah that talked about women in their 30's. It was a rerun of a show from January. Anywho, Jenna was on it talking about her struggle with infertility. She is a pioneer for the rights of infertiles. Getting the word out and trying to get medical coverage for infertility. She shared her heart on that show, how shameful she feels for not being able to have a child. And do you know what Oprah said????? She said "but if you just let it go and adopt you might get pregnant". Are you freaking serious??? Jenna has been trying for 4.5 years to have a baby. And has exhausted everything medical there is out there to treat infertility. Why didn't someone tell her at the beginning that all she needed to do was adopt and she would get pg. Hell, why didn't anyone tell me that, oh wait people have. And I am gonna say right now that is one of the most insensitive things a person can say to an infertile.

First of all why is it the infertile's responsibility to adopt all the unwanted children in the world? Maybe if fertiles would learn what birthcontrol is we wouldn't have such a problem. Why should i give up my dream for a biological child because there are women out there who don't want the ones they have?

Why do people see the need for a man and woman to produce a child out of the love they have for each other as extreme. If someone had cancer you wouldn't tell them to "just let go and they might get cured". Why can someone with a disease like cancer, MS, parkinsons and on on , why is it ok for them to seek medical treatment? But a man or woman suffering from infertility(which happens to be a DISEASE that affects 7 million americans) and doing everything medically possible to make the dream of a child come true should just give up and freaking adopt?

Can I just tell you how upset I am with the way the world looks at infertility. This is not a club that I wanted to join, but nonetheless I am a member and I will be one for life. And as a member I will do all I can to educate those around me. To let them know that my desire to have a child grow inside of me and to give birth to something the love between me and my husband created is not lesser because I am infertile. I have every right in the world to spend as much money and time to try to achieve that dream. And I am not less of a person because of it. I do not have to adopt all the needy children out there. And me just giving up and relaxing isn't gonna get me pregnant.

Can I just say that this is one of those cases of "if you haven't walked a mile in their shoes". If you have never been infertile or never had a m/c you will never be able to perceive the deep sadness, inadequacy or shame that comes along with it. The thought that as a woman you are messed up because you cannot perform the function a woman was created for. Because your body hates you so much that when it does get pg it lets that baby die. The thought of what a disappointment I must be to my husband because i cannot give him a child. Had he known this before we were married would things be different? The gut wrenching heartbreak we go through every time someone around us gets pg and has a healthy baby. The disgust we feel about ourselves every time we feel jealousy towards a pg woman. These are things that I feel on a daily basis. Whether they are rational or not they are who I am. And I would say to you if you have never been there then please do not pass your judgment on those of us who have.

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What could have been...

For some reason I find great joy in torturing myself. I do it by watching the Kellie Coffey video over and over and crying my eyes out. I do it by not cancelling my weekly emails from some baby site that is telling me what should be going on with my pregnancy. I do it by looking at the November pg club on my forum and realizing they just got moved to the third trimester.

24 weeks. That is where I should be right now. I should know the sex of my baby and feel him/her move around. I should be registering and painting my nursery. Figuring out where we are going to put the computer and the filing cabinet. Frantically sewing all the winnie the pooh fabric I have sitting in my closet. Making final decisions about names. Planning when my showers would be. Seperating and washing the boxes of baby clothes I have already been given by friends. Picking which birthing classes I want to take.

But I'm not. Instead I'm gearing up for another cycle. for more sonograms and clomid. Trying to decide if I want to spend the extra $350 for IUI or try it natural one more time. Using the monitor. Taking OPK's. Hoping I have enough strength to not take an HPT. And praying that my beta will come back positive and baby will be sticky.

This whole IF rollercoaster really gets me sometimes. I have been doing really well since my negative beta last tuesday, but today it all hit me. 31 months of blood, sweat and tears to try and have a baby. Thousands of dollars spent on meds, sonos, dr visits, gas to get to the dr, opks, hpts, preseed, monitor sticks, blood tests, d&c's, surgeries. And I don't feel any closer today to having my dream come true than I did 31 months ago.

I know the day will come when I will look back and know it was all worth it. My brain and heart know it is all worth it right now. I would do most anything if it meant bringing home a living child. But right now my heart is sad. Sad about what could have been three different times. Sad that I am not planning a two year old party, a one year old party, or gearing up for birth. Sad that so many dreams have been lost. So many tears and smiles never seen. So many opportunities gone...

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Who'd a thunk...

Lot's of my blogger friends have been taking this personality test, so i thought i would try it out. I noticed as I answered questions that I was answering them differently now than I would have 3 years ago. I was interested how that was going to affect my personality rating. I was floored when i read "they live in a world of possibilities and can become very passionate and excited about things". that is a part of me I thought i had lost since all of this IF crap. But it is nice to see that i still do believe things can happen. So if you know me personally, do you think it sounds like me?!?!?!?

Oh here is the link if you want to take the test yourself.

Click to view my Personality Profile page


"ENFPs are warm, enthusiastic people, typically very bright and full of potential. They live in the world of possibilities, and can become very passionate and excited about things. Their enthusiasm lends them the ability to inspire and motivate others, more so than we see in other types. They can talk their way in or out of anything. They love life, seeing it as a special gift, and strive to make the most out of it."

"ENFPs are energetic and enthusiastic leaders who are likely to take charge when a new endeavor needs a visionary spokesperson. ENFPs are values-oriented people who become champions of causes and services relating to human needs and dreams. Their leadership style is one of soliciting and recognizing others' contributions and of evaluating the personal needs of their followers. ENFPs are often charismatic leaders who are able to help people see the possibilities beyond themselves and their current realities. They function as catalysts."

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Bracelets

I have been helping out Catherine with her MOM Project bracelets. The MOM project makes braclets for grieving parents. I was very excited when I heard about this and eager to help in any way. I know for me it has been so helpful to know that there are others out there who know what I am going through. So if a bracelet can help them with their grief process then my job is done. So visit the website and help out if you wanna.

Here are the bracelets I made.




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Musings...

Are you sure im not pg, because i sure feel like crap. So josh and I went to dinner last night so that i could drown my sorrows in mexican food and margaritas. I apparently drank my drinks too quickly because i felt awful for the rest of the night. I went to bed at 9 and then woke up at 2 and couldn't get back to sleep until almost 5. And almost all of today I have had a terrible stomach ache. So who knows what is going on.

Anywho, you should go
HERE and watch the videos that were submitted for the International Infertility Film Festival. I know Annie, i didn't get mine done. I'm such a slacker. But they will do it again. I watched them last night while i couldn't sleep and they are all very good. When you are there don't forget to vote for your favorite.

Ok I promised San Francisco pics so here they are.

Here is the bridge. It truly amazes me that men built this. And without the technology we have today.















Can you see Alcatraz out there admist the fog???








This is the adorable town of Salsalito. I would like to go back there with Josh, it seems like such a romantic town.




And this was a tree I saw in Salsalito. It is absolutely beautiful with the big purple blooms. If anyone knows what it is let me know, although im sure it would never grow here.


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Another cycle come and gone

I know I haven't been posting much about my ttc efforts here. I haven't really wanted to divulge too much info because If I was pg I wanted to tell my family and friends on my time. So that's why.

But since im not pg I guess I can spill my guts. Yup that's right, I went to the dr this morning for a blood draw and they called and said it was negative. I knew it would be, i just had this feeling. So now we move on. And we spend more time and money trying to achieve something that comes so easy to so many others. It is so hard to wrap my mind around the fact that I have been ttc my first for 31 months. Am I crazy to continue torturing my self cycle after cycle? I think the answer to that is yes and no. 31 months later and my desire to be a mother to a living child is even stronger now than it was then. I want a baby more than anything in this world and will go to whatever lengths i have to to get one.

So on to another cycle. Good thing we got insurance money for the hail damage on our cars. Otherwise who knows when I would be able to cycle again with my RE. So I will continue to hope and continue to pray and continue to remind myself that my view of God is not based on whether I have a child or not.

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Home again

I'm home from california. I will post more later and some pics of the Golden Gate bridge and Salsalito!!

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West coast here I come...

I'm going to Cali on the 23rd!! WooHoo. I have never been to California before so I am very much looking forward to it. My friend Donna (whom I have posted about in the past) and her husband are taking their oldest child to Stanford for a FragileX study. He went two years ago and they will retest him to see what progress has been made. I have volunteered to go along and watch the adorable A and baby B. I think it will be fun. Now don't get me wrong I don't think it will be the most relaxing vaca I've been on. But I think it will be good for me to get away and not focus on IF for a while. I will take lots of pics to share here.



Oh also we had a rep come to the office on Wed and talk about Homeopathy. It is very interesting. We use some homeopathics here but not a lot. I am intrigued by it all and plan to start using it to treat stuff such as joint pain, fatiuge, headaches, cramps. It is truly amazing what they can do and it is all natural. Safe for pregnancy and newborn babies.

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Suprises

I got the best present today. I know I have mentioned on here before about the prayer meeting the women at my church had for me last June 13th. They gave me the wonderful charm bracelet and prayed for me. Well, today when I got home from work there was a bag on my front porch. I opened it and read the words and cried. Sandy and Gayla had remembered the day and wanted me to know that they were still thinking and praying for me. They both shared this verse Psalm 56:8 You keep track of all my sorrows, you have collected all my tears in your bottle...

And they gave me another charm to add to my bracelet. It is a bottle. I can't wait to get it added to my bracelet. It is so special that they took time to do this for me. Life can really suck at times. But when I really stop and think about it I am so blessed.

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I'm getting old

We are going home this weekend for my little brother's birthday. He is turning 17!!! I can't believe it. I was 11 when he was born and it was love at first site. We were together all the time. That is until i got married and moved 6 hours away. I have missed out on the last 8 years of his life. I try not to think about it because it makes me so sad.

I will say that he is the best little brother in the world. He is such a good kid with a smart head on his shoulders. If he can keep himself out of trouble he is gonna be an amazing man. I can't wait for the day he finds the women he wants to spend his life with. And then having a family. I pray the journey will be easier for him than it has been for me. He is gonna be a great father. I get excited everytime I think about his future. I just can't wait to see what wonderful things he does with his life.

Happy birthday Dougie. I love you so much. and miss you terribley. ~sis

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Green light!!!

Saw the dr on friday and she gave us the green light. I am so happy. It feels like forever since we were trying. She is also letting me come in on cd 14 instead of 10 to start monitoring. That is going to save me a ton of money. Which is good, it means if this cycle fails we may be able to afford one more before we will have to go au natural! So I stopped the BCP and just waiting for af to make an entrance and we will get going. I really hope and pray that this cycle is successful. and that the baby will be nice sticky!!!!

In hair news I have decided I am going to cut it off, but I am going to donate it to Locks of Love so it doesn't feel like I wasted the last two years growing it out. the only problem is that it isn't long enough yet. So I won't be cutting it for a couple months probably. But still i am doing it all for a good cause!

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Did you know I am a real aunt??

So I am an aunt. I have wanted to post pictures of the adorable Miles Dean, but didn't have any. But since I am a super genius I just stole them from kate's(mom) myspace. So here he is in all his cuteness for you to enjoy!!!!!!!!








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Lots of sleep!!

So surgery went well. It was nice to be having surgery without the end result being the removal of my unborn child. But on to happier thoughts. She did remove some tissue. She didn't say it was scar tissue. But some leftovers from past pregnancies, whatever that means. So I see her again in about 10 days an then hopefully we are on to TTC again!! WooHoo so we should be back in the game at the beginning of July. It feels like it has been forever since i was pg last time. I am ready to try and hopefully be pg soon.

I slept so much. I slept a total of 18.45 hours. Woo that is a lot. But I feel really good today. Had some cramping yesterday but it is all gone and I feel 100% again.

In other news I am thinking of getting my hair cut. I have been growing it out for two years now and I think i am ready to chop it off. I know that some of my friends are gonna say no, and they may be right. I am afraid i might regret wasting two years, but it is so cute when it is short. So any thoughts???

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Comments!!!

I love comments on my blog. I am a little OCD about checking and rechecking to see if anybody said something. Maybe it is a pride issue, but it makes me feel good to know that people are reading my blog and find it interesting or maybe sad enough to say something. And it is always something very nice and encouraging.

So thank you to those who read and comment. Especially those who don't know me in person. It really does make me happy. And i can use all the happy i can get right now!!!!

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Drowing in a pool of sadness

Do you ever feel like that? That if one more bad thing happens you are going to drown? I think that is where I am. Josh's tagline on his google chat is "I miss my happy wife". That makes me cry because it is so true and I miss her too. I remember when i first met josh my freshman year of high school he gave me the nickname "Smiley". I'm amazed it was there at all given my childhood. But two years later when we started dating that smile had already started to fade. And now I think it is gone, im just wondering if it will ever come back.

So father's day, it sucks for two reasons. One is that I don't really have a father. My biological father gave me up for adoption to my step dad when I was 9. I didn't have any contact with him for 15 years. And the contact I do have right now is so surfacy and superficial that I don't know why I even waste my time. My step dad was a jerk, whom I haven't felt the need to be around in about 4 years now.

Second is that I cannot seem to make my husband a father. At least not a father to living children. He came home from church (I know he is better than me because I didn't go) sad. He told me that he said "happy father's day" to all the men and nobody said it to him. Do you know how that breaks my heart? I know that he is going to be such a wonderful daddy. I can see it with our animals, how he loves them. I never got to call anyone daddy and my heart aches to hear a little version of josh and I say it. And josh deserves to be one so bad. He has been there right next to me through all the crap.

Not looking forward to surgery on friday. The only good thing about it is that I get to be off work, and she will give me some really good painkillers. I can sleep away the pain (physical and emotional) on friday and saturday. It just seems like this journey is getting harder and harder. Everywhere I look there is another hurdle that I have to jump over. I am hoping and praying that at the end of this race there will be a baby for me to hold and love.

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