Archive for November 2007

the stirrup queen does it again...

I have a post rolling around in my head that concerns the wonderful people that have commented recently. But first I must link to Mel's blog once again. As always she has said something so poignant. She and a few other bloggers, such as Julie from A little pregnant, were recently interviewed for a story in the Globe and Mail. When you read the article, don't forget to read the comments.

What this post is about is Mel's blog on comparing infertility to cancer. I think it is wonderfully written and everyone should read it. Especially anyone who doesn't suffer from infertility or who thinks people are crazy for pursuing such extreme measures to have a child or if you just think we should all adopt!!!

Happy reading...Empathy

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November baby...

For the last 8 months I wasn't sure how I would spend Thanksgiving. November 23rd was my due date with the baby I lost in April. I really thought that I would just want to stay home in bed and wallow. But I decided to go home and spend it with family. I think it was a great decision. The long weekend was wonderful. We had a great time seeing both sides of the family. I got to spend all day Thanksgiving with my family and help my mom cook. Something I haven't been able to do in a long time. Even though my heart still broke everytime I thought of not being pg and delivering soon. And what I will be missing at Christmas, it was nice to have the distraction of family. Christmas, now that is another hurdle that I will have to get over. But for now I am just trying to focus on this milestone that has been passed. Oh and another thing that helped take my focus off of friday was that af showed and I spent half the day in bed with cramps so bad they made me nauses. What a great way to spend the day huh? So 76 days, not a record for me, but still too freaking long.

Dearest November baby,
I can never express in words how much you mean to me and how broken my heart is that you are not here with me. The day I found out I was pg with you was one of the happiest days of my life. I started dreaming and planning from the beginning. It was a blissful 3 weeks. But sadly you had to leave just like the others did. And you left a hole in my heart that will never be filled. I wait expectantly for the day that we will meet again and I will finally get to hold you. I love you so much.

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I have a good post coming later.

Here is a pic of Josh and I young, very very young. Oh high school football games how I miss the.

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New look...

Hey do you like the new look? Let me know what ya think.

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Happy blogoversary to me.

Today marks my 2 year blogging anniversary. It certainly has been an interesting two years. Life has been up and life has been down. But I am extrememly happy that I have this outlet to express my feelings. And thank you to everyone who reads and comments. I really appreciate all the support!!!!!

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Anonymous commenter...

When I first saw that I had a comment from anounymous I cringed. I know too many bloggers out there who have had exrememly rude, condescending comments on their blogs. But I do have to say that this anon commenter was very nice in saying what she needed to say. But I will be honest and tell you that I still dislike anon comments. If you have something to say to someone, and you think it is important, why do you hide behind anonymous?

And thank you so much Beth for trying to clarify things!!

Here is what I have to say to the anon commentor. I really do appreciate your comment. I think you were very nice and sweet in expressing your opinion and for that I thank you. I do believe that you took what I said about drug addicts incorrect. It breaks my heart daily that I have no children and may never. It also breaks my heart to see women who abuse their body in a variety of ways so easily concieve, while I must spend years and money to do so. I respect each and every mother who puts her child up for adoption instead of choosing to abort. I am sure that is a gut wrenching decision.

I do not agree however that adoption should be so expensive and seemingly out of reach for so many couples. The logical thought would be that if a couple wants to adopt and thus put themselves through an emotional and physchological rollercoaster, they must really want a child. My concern is how many children already go unadopted and live life in foster homes, many of which are not loving, caring environments.

I tried to find some stats on what precentage of children are not adopted but didn't have much luck. I did find this website that gives stats about children in foster care. It says that on September 30, 2005, 513,000 children were living in foster care. That number is astonishing to me. I know that some of those eventually returned to their parents or live with family members, but many will stay until they turn 18. It seems to me that if adoption were more affordable maybe more couples would adopt and these children would have loving homes.

I personally would love to have a lot of kids, 4-6.(Josh may be having a heart attack right now!!) But with my currently IF situation that won't be happening biologically. I am open to adopting 1 or even more children. But that is not a reality for us. We cannot afford even one and that breaks my heart to know that children may have to spend their days in foster care because for some reason adoption has to be so expensive.

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My friend Beth mentioned that she was thinking about volunteering for Glad.ney adoption. This sounded like a good idea to me. I have been feeling lately that I am too self involved. I even forgot my step mom's birthday. All I seem to think about is my own pain and suffering. I really need to get out of myself and do something worth while.

So today I went to the Glad.ney adoption website and started looking around. I decided to sign up to get the free adoption info. That was a mistake. I have heard that they are one of more expensive adoption centers, but still are they serious with these amounts?

Income Adoption Fee
Less than $75,000 $25,700
$75,001-$100,000 $28,700
$100,001-$150,000 $34,700
$150,001-$200,000 $40,700
$200,001 plus $42,700

So for a couple who makes less than $75, 000 they have to spend 1/3 of their income on adoption. How do people do that? I know that 1/3 of my income goes to paying bills. I could also do 3 IVF cycles for 25, 000.

It just makes me sad that any drug addict can have a baby. But a women who would be wonderful mother can't have children because her body is screwed up and she's not rich. It just doesn't seem fair.

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Today i turn 29, today I start the 30th year of my life. So to continue with the mood of my blog for the last few weeks; how depressing. I cannot even fathom that I am 29 and no where close to having a baby. I just want to cry when I think about it. Yes being the poasaholic that I am i did test this am and it was nice and white with only one line. I have been having a ton of ovary/uterus pain, so I thought what the heck. So since I am not pg I wonder what in the world is going on down there? Maybe I should call the dr. It has been a couple months since I've been violated by a dr with a camera!!!!! :P Or maybe it is just that it is cd 63 and my body is completely screwed up beyond repair.

Ok on to happier things. My birthday has gotten off to a good start. Some girlfriends and I went out to dinner on thursday. My coworkers brought me breakfast yesterday and we are going to Cheesecake factory next wednesday. Josh and I are gonna go somewhere yummy like PF changs for lunch today and see a movie. And Beth and I are getting pedicures later. So all in all not too shabby of a bday.

Oh and Josh already gave me my gift. It is a beautiful "inspiration" dress. It is from White House, Black Market. Oh how I so love that store. Anyway, It is a size 8 and so very very beautiful. Luckily it was on for 75% off because that place is expensive. So I will hang it up where I can see it everyday and hopefully in just a few short months I can wear it!!!! I am so excited. It helps to have motivation to get my butt in gear and lose weight. I have been doing pretty good, but I seem to be yo-yoing this 4 pounds that I can't seem to get past. And my birthday isn't helping me much. But next week I will be super strict. I want to lose another 8 pounds before thanks giving, taking the total to a whopping 18 pounds. WooHoo!!!!!!!!!

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My voice

As a child I dreamt of getting married and having children young. Those dreams of my youth did not include infertility and recurrent miscarriage. They didn't include doctors, blood tests, drugs, sonograms, surgeries and so many many tears. Those dreams are gone and all that's left is the fear that I may never have children. That I may never be able to achieve the very essence of why woman was created.

Two years into my infertility journey, after two miscarriages, I was diagnosed with PCOS (poly cystic ovarian syndrome). The basis of this syndrome is that I do not ovulate and I have an increased risk of miscarriage. Basically it is close to impossible that I would ever get pregnant on my own. Because of this I see a specialest, a reproductive endocrinologist.

I have been on this rollercoaster called infertility for almost 3 years now. In that time I have done 8 cycles of clomid and had four miscarriages. I have also spent about $10,000. Now I am at a crossroads. It is time to move on to more aggressive treatments such as IUI (intra uterine insemination) with injectible medicine or possibly IVF (in-vitro infertilization). Neither of these is covered by my insurance. At my clinic an IUI with injectibles cycle is $4000 and IVF is $8000. Another option for me is adoption, but that can be anywhere from $15000-$30000. My husband and I both have good jobs, but we are not in a position where we can afford any of these treatments or adoption.

So where does this leave me? It leaves me with a broken heart and shattered dreams. The one thing that I have wanted all of my life I may never have. It leaves me feeling sad and inadequate. Feeling like a failure since I can't make my husband a father, or my mother a grandmother. Wondering what life will be like when my husband and I get older and there are no children to take care of us. Wondering how I will ever be able to live a childless life without becoming a shell of a person. These are things I don't like to think about. I try to keep hope alive in my heart. But without insurance coverage my dream of becoming a mother may just be that... a dream.

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Is she still whining...

Yup, sorry faithful readers, but I am still having my pity party and prolly will for the next 20 days or so. Have you ever felt that if one more thing in your life goes crappy you might just run and hide? Well that's where I am. I really feel like everything is falling apart. My IF and recurrent m/c, plus my recent marriage issues, the future of my employment and my church are unsure.

Things are happening at work and I may not have a job after January. I hate having to find a new job. I have worked here for 5 years, and although it is not my dream job, it is comfortable and I like comfortable. I hate having to meet all the new people and learn all the ends and outs of a new job. You know learning how things run in a new office and who is nice and who is not and all the politics and such. It just sounds exhausting.

As for church. I am not sure what the future holds. I love my church. I have been going there since it started almost 8 years ago. Josh and I had been married 6 months and I knew nobody, since I had just moved here after living in one place for 20 years. Church really is the only thing that has made it some what easy to live so far away from my family. But now it seems like it may be falling apart. Good friends are leaving and that makes me so sad. It is so hard to work in time to spend together as it is with busy lives, it will be so much harder now.

As for cycle news. My dad and I have been playing phone tag. I am ok with that because I am so afraid he will tell me that we can't have the money. But I know I just need to call him and get it over with. Oh in case you were trying to keep count today is cd 58. Woofreakinghoo for me!!!!!

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I should be...

37 weeks tomorrow. But I'm not. Instead I will be spending my day shopping at Canton. It is going to be great. I would definately rather be 37wks pg but shopping is the next best option I guess. No wait, shopping is #3. Sitting on a beach somewhere would be #2!!!

Anywho, Nov is officially here and I can feel myself becoming even more of a basketcase than normal. It is gonna be really hard to not just live in my closet for the next month. And then seeing the nephew at Thanksgiving. I love that kid so much, but it is gonna be hard seeing him going through all of his "firsts".

In other news my friend B just had her third Etopic pregnancy, which required major surgery. There are no words. I just don't know why this has to keep happening to women, and especially the same ones over and over. Why can't we just bring our babies home like most mothers get to?

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