They say time heals all wounds, but that doesn't mean the memory is gone. Being over 4 years since my first miscarriage I can attest that the pain has lessened, but the memory of those days and the words that were spoken are still fresh.

Maybe it's because I have suffered so much loss myself, but for some reason I am drawn to stories that break my heart. I want to help in some way, but I just don't know how. I feel it is my lifes calling to help women through the pain of infertility, miscarriage, infant death. I am just not sure the how, when or where. Sometimes I feel like I am so wrapped up in my own little world I don't know what is going on around me. I need to get out of myself and do something for someone else.

I have read Adrienne's blog about her son Noah for a long time. Her story is so sad but so uplifting at the same time. She has taken the pain of losing her son to do wonderful things for the world and for the kingdom of God.

I stumbled across Angie's blog about her daughter Audrey Caroline about a year ago. The strength and courage Angie had to carry Audrey to term knowing she would not survive. The beauty of the whole story just brings tears to my eyes.

And recently I started reading Heather's blog about her daughter Madeline a couple months ago after I heard of Maddie's unexpected passing. Her story breaks my heart. Her pain is so real and raw and she is not afraid to share it. She also loves to share stories and videos of Maddie. I love to watch the videos with Kai. He just smiles at Maddie, she was such a beautiful little girl.

And just now I stumbled onto this Caringbridge site about Kate. Kate is 5 and was diagnosed with a brain tumor just a few weeks ago. Her battle is just beginning and it will be long and hard. Her parents are fighting right along with her. They are crying out to God for the health and life of their daughter. My heart breaks for them. No parent should have to watch their child go through cancer.

This morning I found myself at youtube watching videos of Maddie when I noticed so many other "in memory" vidoes of babies and children. There really is so much loss and pain in this world. So many people having to say goodbye to children too early. I torture myself by watching these videos and feeling the raw emotions myself. My heart cries out for these families.

I know this post is pretty much a downer, and I guess that is where I am right now. There are just days when the grief and sadness take over. The memories of what I have lost flood over me and then I see that others have lost so much too. The world is so hard and so unfair. But it is in times like these that I have to remember how good God is . He loves us and cares for us. He hates all that we have to go through here on earth, but that is the price of free will I guess. I will continue to thank him for the lives of these children, all that they touched in such a short time. And I will continue to get on my knees and pray for the ones still fighting.

I have read on a few blogs lately about women trying to be happy and content with where they are. But I don't know how to do that, really. I think I'm good at putting on a happy face for the world, but I can't remember the last time I was truly happy with my circumstances. How can I be happy when something that I want so badly I keep losing?

I have to come to a place where I can be content with my life without children. Because at the moment having them looks grim to me. I can no longer afford my RE and my insurance is crap. So I am all alone with my PCOS and my not ovulating. So where does that leave me? Without children, except by the grace of God. I know he can do anything. But after almost three years it is hard for me to think that giving me a child is on the list. I know that I have learned a lot from this journey and grown closer to him, but right now I am tired of learning and growing.

So the bleeding hasn't started yet. I know that some of you have known you were going to m/c and chose to let it happen naturally. I have a lot of respect for you. I have never had to wait and it is killing me. I just want it over. As long as there is no bleeding then there is still hope and my heart doesn't feel like hoping.

I am just so sad right now. I know that this will pass and I will be in higher spririts. But it might be a while. I have an EDD in each of the next three months. Sooooo. I was thinking they would all be easier if I was pg. Especially the one in November. I still haven't decided if we are going home for Thanksgiving or if i will sleep the whole weekend. I guess time will tell.

On a good note I did just buy a Blue October cd. I love that band. I listend to the Ocean song this morning and it expresses a little how i feel. Here are the lyrics I relate to.

I want to swim away but don't know how
Sometimes it feels just like I'm falling in the ocean
Let the waves up take me down
Let the hurricane set in motion... yeah
Let the rain of what I feel right now...come down
Let the rain come down
Let the rain come down

For some reason I find great joy in torturing myself. I do it by watching the Kellie Coffey video over and over and crying my eyes out. I do it by not cancelling my weekly emails from some baby site that is telling me what should be going on with my pregnancy. I do it by looking at the November pg club on my forum and realizing they just got moved to the third trimester.

24 weeks. That is where I should be right now. I should know the sex of my baby and feel him/her move around. I should be registering and painting my nursery. Figuring out where we are going to put the computer and the filing cabinet. Frantically sewing all the winnie the pooh fabric I have sitting in my closet. Making final decisions about names. Planning when my showers would be. Seperating and washing the boxes of baby clothes I have already been given by friends. Picking which birthing classes I want to take.

But I'm not. Instead I'm gearing up for another cycle. for more sonograms and clomid. Trying to decide if I want to spend the extra $350 for IUI or try it natural one more time. Using the monitor. Taking OPK's. Hoping I have enough strength to not take an HPT. And praying that my beta will come back positive and baby will be sticky.

This whole IF rollercoaster really gets me sometimes. I have been doing really well since my negative beta last tuesday, but today it all hit me. 31 months of blood, sweat and tears to try and have a baby. Thousands of dollars spent on meds, sonos, dr visits, gas to get to the dr, opks, hpts, preseed, monitor sticks, blood tests, d&c's, surgeries. And I don't feel any closer today to having my dream come true than I did 31 months ago.

I know the day will come when I will look back and know it was all worth it. My brain and heart know it is all worth it right now. I would do most anything if it meant bringing home a living child. But right now my heart is sad. Sad about what could have been three different times. Sad that I am not planning a two year old party, a one year old party, or gearing up for birth. Sad that so many dreams have been lost. So many tears and smiles never seen. So many opportunities gone...

Do you ever feel like that? That if one more bad thing happens you are going to drown? I think that is where I am. Josh's tagline on his google chat is "I miss my happy wife". That makes me cry because it is so true and I miss her too. I remember when i first met josh my freshman year of high school he gave me the nickname "Smiley". I'm amazed it was there at all given my childhood. But two years later when we started dating that smile had already started to fade. And now I think it is gone, im just wondering if it will ever come back.

So father's day, it sucks for two reasons. One is that I don't really have a father. My biological father gave me up for adoption to my step dad when I was 9. I didn't have any contact with him for 15 years. And the contact I do have right now is so surfacy and superficial that I don't know why I even waste my time. My step dad was a jerk, whom I haven't felt the need to be around in about 4 years now.

Second is that I cannot seem to make my husband a father. At least not a father to living children. He came home from church (I know he is better than me because I didn't go) sad. He told me that he said "happy father's day" to all the men and nobody said it to him. Do you know how that breaks my heart? I know that he is going to be such a wonderful daddy. I can see it with our animals, how he loves them. I never got to call anyone daddy and my heart aches to hear a little version of josh and I say it. And josh deserves to be one so bad. He has been there right next to me through all the crap.

Not looking forward to surgery on friday. The only good thing about it is that I get to be off work, and she will give me some really good painkillers. I can sleep away the pain (physical and emotional) on friday and saturday. It just seems like this journey is getting harder and harder. Everywhere I look there is another hurdle that I have to jump over. I am hoping and praying that at the end of this race there will be a baby for me to hold and love.

We went home this weekend because Josh's late grandfather was being honored. It was a nice trip but it made us miss family even more and wish that we could move home.

While we were there I had a very sad realization. I feel that since the test results came back negative for a genetic disorder the problem has to be me. I feel inadequate as a women. Women's basic function is to have children, and that is one thing I apparently cannot do. Now don't get me wrong, I know that these are all lies and I am not less of a women, and it's not my fault i have PCOS. But sometimes emotion and pain out weigh logic. And I think until I do have a child, this will always be in the back of my mind. I think maybe the feeling would be similar to a women having breast cancer and losing a breast, or men who don't want a vasectomy because they would feel like less of a man. Even though it doesn't really make any sense, because breasts and sperm and babies isn't what makes us who we are the pain is still there.

It is hard to write it. I understand it in my head but it is not coming out right.

I have my SSG on friday. So we will have more answers then.

I think this is the first time have done two entries in one day.

I really feel i need to write this down. I know that in my life i have had many hardships and things haven't always been fun or gone as planned. But then i move into another season and those hardships are looked back upon as growing, maturing moments.

But for my friend Donna it seems her hardship will last a lifetime. There will be no different seasons. Donna prayed so hard for a child and God answered and blessed her with a beautiful boy. When he was a 1 1/2 he was diagnosed with a genetic disorder called FragileX. At this time she was already pg with her daughter who would also be diagnosed with FragileX. About 10 mos ago Donna became pg again, accidently. It was definately God ordained since they were taking measure to prevent. We all wanted to believe that this baby was an answer to pray for Donna and Jim to have a child without the disorder, especially a son. I believed with all my heart that this baby was a picture of God's mercy for Donna. That he would be ok and wouldn't be another hardship for Jim and Donna. Sadly the news just came back that Benjamin also has FragileX. My heart is broken, i am crying as I write this. I just don't understand why God does what he does. Why some peoples lives are so hard. And it seems the hard will never end. Donna will have her children until the day she dies. This season will last the rest of her life.

If you are the praying type will you please pray for Donna. She needs her father to comfort her right now. She needs him to tell her that he will help her through this. She needs the strength to get up everyday and face her world.

I wanted to do this so new readers would know my history. I am putting it right here for now but some day I will figure out how to make this a link on my sidebar.

Josh and I started dating in October 1995. I was 16 (almost 17) and he was 18. He was starting his freshman year of college and I had just gotten a job. We dated for two years when he moved 6 hours away to finish college. I had graduated by this time and was starting my freshman year. In july 1998 he proposed and of course I said yes. In may 1999 we were married and I left my friends and family to move to arlington so he could finish school.

In December 2004 we started ttc. I was worried that it would take us a while since my cycles had always been messed up. I remember waking up one dec morning and realizing af had shown. My cycle had been 34 days. I ran to my computer to figure out when I would ovulate if I had another 34 day cycle. I was so excited that we were trying. On January 10th I took an hpt and got a BFP. It was two days before josh's birthday and we were on cloud nine.

Because of insurance reasons I wasn't able to see the dr until 11.5wks. The pregnancy was going smoothly. I hadn't had any spotting, bleeding or cramping. Was having some mild m/s. We saw the dr on March 2nd. We were so excited to see our little baby and heartbeat. They did a transvaginal sono and being a newbie i didn't know what to expect. The tech didn't say much and then she said this, "this is not a good pregnancy, there is no heartbeat". At that moment my world fell apart. The heart had stopped beating at 10.5 wks. Two days later I had a D&C. I didn't think that I would be able to survive that loss. But I did, somehow God pulled me through it. That loss was one of the hardest things I had ever been through. It was like reality slapped me in the face. I was not immune to the pain and hardship of the world. My childhood wasn't great. But being married to josh was the best thing and even though we had tough times we had a great marriage. I never thought that we would be the couple to suffer so much loss.

In November 2005 I saw my new Ob. She started me on clomd 50mg, estrogen and progesterone. In Febuary 2006 I got another BFP, but the spotting started the same day. 5 days later the pregnancy was over. I would have never thought I would have another m/c. but i didn't have a good feeling about the pregnancy from the beginning.

May 2006 I saw an RE. We did a ton of testing and she diagnosed me with PCOS. We did a monitored clomid cycle. I didn't even ovulate and af showed about 80 days later. I took a ttc sabattical.

In February 2007 I started seeing my RE again. She started me on 100mg clomid. In March I got a BFP. I really believed this baby was gonna stick. In April we had our first sono. There was a hb but it was slow and we couldn't hear it. The dr said that wasn't necessarily bad and to come back in three days for another sono. We went back and there was no hb at all and baby had stopped growing. I was having my third m/c and I didn't know if I would ever recover. I had a D&C because the RE wanted to do genetic testing on the baby. The testing came back negative. Which is good, becuase it means Josh and I don't have some genetic defect. But it has left questions unanswered. She wanted to do more testing before we tried again. I had more blood tests done that all came back normal. She wanted to do an SSG but was unable to get the catheter into my cervix. So instead we did a hysterscopy. She removed scar tissue from my uterus. After this we were cleared to ttc again.

In July I did my 7th clomid cycle 100mg. It was bfn. In august I did clomid cycle #8 and had a chemical pregnancy. Beta came back at 4.78 and anything under 5 is non viable. So this was m/c #4.

In January 2008 we started an IUI w/injectibles cycle. I ovulated two eggs and we did the IUI twice. On February 26th the dr called and told me I was pg. Of course we were thrilled but also cautious. At 6wks we started having weekly sonos and baby was doing great. At 8wks the dr diagnosed me with a hematoma. I started spotting that day. Luckily that only lasted for one day and when we went back 3 days later for another sono the hematoma was gone and baby was doing great.

The next day at 8wks4d I had terrible abdominal pain and was taken to the ER. I was having a heterotopic pg. That is where one baby is in the uterus and the other is in the tube. My right tube had burst and I was bleeding internally. I had an emergency lapraotomy to remove the tube and blood. Luckily, there was enough of the tube left at the uterus that they could just clip it and didn't have to mess with my uterus, thus leaving that baby unharmed.

As I write this I am almost 15wks pg. I am still amazed that I have made it this far and continue to pray that I will bring this baby home in November.

I had a lot of anger towards God after the third m/c. We had specifially prayed that I wouldn't get pg unless i was going to carry to term. He didn't answer that prayer and that made me mad. But I slowly realized that God is still good and sometimes bad things happen. I have to continue to believe that God does love me regardless of what happens in my life. And that the suffering I go through will build my character, and give me the opportunity to minister to other women in the same position.

I met with Greg today and as always I leave feeling so much better and enlightened.

Of course we talked about suffering. The best part is that all Greg does and tell me the truth about God. It always helps. It's one of those things that I know but I just needed someone to remind me when times are hard. We went over his paper he wrote on "Prayer and Suffering". I'm going to give a short version of it here.

Why does God allow us to suffer? Doesn't He love us and hasn't He forgiven us

• God does love us and he has forgiven our sins. It is because he loves us that he wants us to learn perseverance, develop character and receive hope. And these things grow out of suffering. "Therefore since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance , character; and character hope." Romans 5:1-4

This is so true. When you think of people who have great character you see that their lives were not easy. People that spent time in concentration camps, or prisoners of war, or debilitating disease. These people have character. I want to have character. I want people to see something different in me. I want my suffering to produce perseverance, charcter and definately hope.

• Intimacy with Jesus. "I want to know Christ and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in His sufferings." Phillipians 3:10

My deepest desire is intimacy with Jesus. From the very first m/c i was desperate to have my suffering point me to Jesus and for our relationship to grow. I believe that it has. God knows that my biggest issue is trust and I believe that he is using this suffering to teach me to be vulnerable to him. To break down my walls and give it all to Him. I think that I have been doing this albeit slowly for the last couple years. With each new suffering i realize more and more how much I need him.

• God gives us the opportunity to suffer well and thus demonstarte His worth, which is what it means to glorify Him. Loving and honoring God through suffering is the ultimate testimony. "Though the fig tree does not blossom, and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet will I rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior" Habakkuk #17-18

I want to suffer well. I want to glorify God through my suffering. I have known three cancer patients that glorified God through their battles. Regardless of the test results, or the pain or all the pills they had to take, or surgeries, or the parts of their bodies that we stolen by the cancer, they always pointed towards God. They all knew he had the power to heal him if he chose. But believed that he was still good and loving if he didn't. Two of them lost their battle and they are an inspiration to me everyday of how I need to suffer well. I want my pain and sorrow to point others heavenly. I want them to see my hope and wonder what makes me different. The one cancer survivor continues to glorify God through her life and her testimony.

• The Christian life is a holy warfare with the invisible legions of Satan. Because the battle is real so is the struggle and suffering. But in the end we will count our sufferings unworthy to be compared to the glory that results. "I consider that our present sufferings are not worth the glory that will be revealed in us." Romans 8:18

I know that God's glory will come out of my suffering. That he works all things for good. And isn't that what my life is supposed to be about, glorifying God. I may not be able to see all of the glory that comes from my suffering. But I believe that it will happen, and I can't wait to here about it all in heaven.

I feel so much peace and hope right now. I know that God loves me and that He is a good God regardless of what I go through. I don't know what my future holds but I know that He will be with me every step of the way.

My fears were confirmed today while vacuuming. I found butterfly wings on the floor. I sucked them up and threw them away. Sometimes i feel like that is what has happened to my dreams.

I have meeting scheduled with Greg for wednesday. Hopefully, i will be in a better place after that.

Sharee, thank you for your kind words. It is always a good reminder for me that satan is to blame and not God. Your strength and faith amaze me.

I am tired of the rollercoaster that is my life. It is no fun and I want to get off the ride right now.

I think that I have been doing pretty good emotionally for the last 5 weeks. I think I worked through my anger towards God, but just wasn't really in the mood to talk to him. Which I know wasn't good.

Well for mother's day josh bought me a beautiful orchid that had a butterfly chrysallis with it. I was so excited. It came with a card that said "Due date May 15" I couldn't wait for this beautiful life to emerge. To watch it break through it's cocoon and get the strength to fly away and start it's life. So when I woke up yesterday morning the cocoon was black. The directions said that once it was black it would hatch within the next 24 hours and it would take 8 hours for it to get out and it's wings to harden. Well, i went back and forth yesterday about whether i should bring it with me to work or not, since i didn't want to miss it, but decided not to because i figured i would be home in time to see most of it happen. Well, you guessed it, i got home yesterday and it was gone. The cocoon was empty and the butterfly was no where to be seen. My fear is that it fell on the floor and one of the cats ate it.

My first emotion that came from this was sadness and then it quickly changed to anger. I was (and kinda still am) angry at God because he didn't even let me have that moment to see the butterfly emerge. Why couldn't i have that? Josh gave me that for mother's day and i was so excited. I would just sit there and stare at the cocoon thinking how neat the whole experience was going to be. And just like the three babies it was stolen from me. Why can't he cut me a break? I mean seriously, why do i have to continue to feel like I am being punished? Why does he think that taking things from me will make me draw closer to him? It doesn't seem to be working. And maybe that is because I'm not as strong a christian as I should be by this point. But I am tired. I am tired of my dreams being stolen and my heart being crushed. I didn't think i could make it through a third m/c but i had too. How much more pain and suffering does he have for me? How much more must I endure to have this dream that my heart aches for? I am tired and I don't want to do this anymore.

Josh and I were having a conversation last night about church and mother's day and such and I realized that i feel very alone. That there is no one out there who understands where i am and what i am feeling. I have friends who have had one or more m/c, but they all have kids now. I have one friend who had IF with her first but got pg naturally with the other two. I have a whole forum of friends who have had IF and/or m/c. But all of our stories are different. No one knows my exact pain. My pain with IF and m/c and that the lives of everyone else around me keep moving forward and mine feels like it has stopped.

Mother's day is right around the corner and i just want to hide in a hole somewhere. I am tired of the all the cute commercials. I am sad that all of my friends who are married have children. That there have been 8 children born in my church since i first started TTC. And that i am the only married women at my church of reproductive age that doesn't have children. that i don't feel any closer to bringing a baby home today than i was after my first m/c. I feel like no progress has been made. I am still IF and if i do by the grace of God get pg who knows how long it will last.

Four weeks ago i was looking forward to mother's day. It would be the first one that i would actually be pg during, instead of losing a baby months prior. but that didn't happen. It is the same story as the last two years. I actually think it is funny that for the last three years I have gotten pg in Jan, Feb, Mar and m/c in Feb, Mar, April and my due dates were Sept, Oct, Nov. So 6 out of 12 months have now become sad. Throw in May for mother's day and that makes 7.

I really was doing well up until this week. I think the reality of another Mother's day without a baby here or in the womb has hit me like a ton of bricks. The reality that my life is so much different of all the people around me has slapped me in the face. I am just ready for it to be next monday so that I can move on and work myself up for father's day, which by the way always makes me feel like a failure. but that's a post for another day.

TTC involves a lot of waiting. Waiting for ovulation, the 2 week wait after, if you're not pg, waiting for af to show so you can start again. Most of the time I hate the waiting it seems to drag on. This waiting is the same. I am waiting for test results that are keeping my life on hold. My future has two ways it can go and it all depends on those results.

I saw the dr yesterday and it was pretty uneventful. The genetic testing of the baby wasn't back and she said it would be 1-2 more weeks. So we are to do nothing utnil then.

I decided that I wasn't in denial about this whole thing. I sadly realized that it was just easier for me to move on this time. I am still heartbroken and sad, but anxiously looking towards the future and trying and hopefully having a baby. I think these things and the hope they bring are helping to get through this easier. And probably, as sad as it is, the more it happens the easier it gets.

So I'm pretty sure I still haven't really delt with all the feelings yet and it is fear that is keeping me from doing it. But I will work on my scrapbook on saturday and then all the feelings should rush over me and i will officially be a mess for who knows how long.

The thing that makes me the saddest about this loss (besides not having a baby of course) is all hopes and dreams. I had prayed that I would be pg in time to surprise my mom at her 50th bday party. My nephew was just born and they would be less than a year apart. The baby would have been born around thanksgiving so we would get to show him/her off at Christmas to all our family. I would get to stop working in November and never have to come back. I wouldn't feel like i am feeling right now and i wouldn't have to be doing fertility treatment again for a while. All of these things are gone. Dreams flushed down the toilet now floating in the ocean somewhere.

For the third time my heart is broken and a part of me is lost forever. I have changed so much in the last two years and this will change me more. I don't know if I will recognize who I am at the end of this journey. Or if i will like who i become. I know i have said this before so it must be a deep fear that I have that I really need to work through. Maybe a meeting with Greg should be scheduled.

Another intesting aspect of me losing this child is my friends. I know that they hurt and they grieve and they support as much as they can. And i hate it that this tragedy has to affect so many people. Annie asked me last night how I will feel when she gets pregnant again. Which is a very valid question and im happy that our friendship is one where she feels comfortable asking me. I told her i would be happy for her and heartbroken all at the same time. That every new pregnancy is just a reminder of what i don't have. but I don't want my friends to plan their life around mine. Or to feel bad about their fertility status because mine sucks so much. It just sucks that these questions have to be thought about or asked at all. Life is just really screwed up right now and I am just ready for a good change. A happy change...

and not knowing what that looks like. I really don't know if i have dealt with all the emotions that this tragedy holds for me. I haven't cried since last weekend and i think i am trying my hardest not to feel anything because i think it will destroy me. I know that is not good and I need to walk through all the stagese of grief, but frankly im scared. Scared i won't come out on the other side. Scared i will be a different person, a person i don't like. So I stay in my denial and try to think that life is just great. Not that it was great before this but it was significantly better. I am doing my best to avoid people, and when they call i act like all is fine. I don't like being this person, but im scared of the alternative. I am thinking that once my mom is gone and I am left alone then the emotions will flood over me.

For the first baby i made a little scrapbook. The pic of the test, the congrats cards and then the "im so sorry" cards. I had none of that for the second baby. but I have all of that and more for this one. I have sono pics. Pictures of that precious life that just tear me up everytime I see them. So when i feel like i can i am going to make a scrapbook for this baby too. That will be the only thing I will ever have of this baby. I will never get to feel him/her move or hear cry or see their beautiful eyes. And my heart aches because of it. But i will always the cards and the pictures. Three pregnancies later and still no baby, only cards and pictures. How did my life end up this way??

Never would I have believed that i was going to have a third miscarriage. At least not right now. Maybe after having a kid or two i might have another one and even though it would still hurt at least I would have children. I wouldn't be left with the overwhelming fear that I will never be a mother to a living child. I wouldn't be left with wondering what is wrong with my body that it keeps killing my children. This is not a place i ever wanted to be in again. And here I am. Heartbroken with my dead unborn child still inside of me. I know these are harsh words, but they are my reality. My reality that I can conceive a child once a year only to lose it weeks later. That after spending so much time and money to get pregnant with this baby it dies and now I get to spend even more money to have it removed from my body. For some reason my body doesn't know this baby has died. Maybe it is holding onto the hope that I have lost and not sure I will ever get back. So I will go to the dr tuesday and she will put me under and she will rip my unborn child from my womb. And they will test it genetically to see what is wrong. This is a place i don't want to be in. Where I want there to be some explanation why i keep losing my children, but terrified that she will tell me that we have some genetic abnormality that will never allow us to have living children. But I guess at least the latter would give me some closure. A feeling that I haven't had in over two years.

I am having to learn again the harsh reality that God doesn't always answer prayer. We prayed i would not conceive unless i would carry that child to term. Everyone believed that this baby would make it. But it didn't. And now i am here angry at God but knowing i will not make it to the other side of this tragedy without him. I feel like the pain and sorrow will just swallow me up and i will be a walking zombie for the rest of my life, never feeling anything again. But I don't want to be that zombie. I want to be normal again. Whatever that looks like. Greg came over last night and prayed for us. He reminded me that God owes me nothing and as hard as that is to hear it is true. Spending eternity in heaven with him is the best that i can hope for and that is still so much more than i will ever deserve. So some how I have to pick up the pieces and go on. Knowing that there is always the possibility that I will never have children and that has to be ok. I have to be able to live my life in spite of that. I don't really know what that looks like, but i know it won't be easy.

So this is my life. Filled with more sorrow than I think I can bare, but i guess God thinks i can. I am in an unsure place at the moment. Unsure if i can try again. I really don't want to be here again, and trying again always means there is a possibility that i would have to walk through this all over again. On my support forum i encourage them that they will know when to try when the desire to have a baby overrides the fear of another miscarriage. I don't know if I will be in that place anytime soon. But then my heart is broken more to see so many women around me having babies and second and thrid babies and wanting my children to be close in age to theirs. And wanting to not be left out. I am almost thirty and i cannot fathom that i don't have children. That i have been married almost 8 years without kids. It seems so unfair, but life isn't fair is it. Sadly no it is not. So i get to continue to be AUNT to so many wonderful babies while my heart aches and wishes it could me mom to someone.

for reasons unknown i have been stricken with infertility and recurrent miscarriage. these are very personal and hard things for me. I have so many wonderful friends around me to help me get through my tough times. But i know since many of them have never been in my shoes they really don't know what to say and I completely understand that. So finally hallmark got a clue and realized more happens in life than birthdays, graduations, weddings, etc... they are making cards for all kinds of not so fun things that happen in peoples lives. Can i just say that I think this is ground breaking. I really never thought a time like this would come. But here it is and how much easier it will be for those who have loved ones in pain but don't have any words to say. Hallmark will say it for you!!!

So go check them out. Go here and then click on "Introducing Journeys" in the bottom left corner. Sorry I couldn't get a link straight to the paget to work.