Archive for June 2007

Did you know I am a real aunt??

So I am an aunt. I have wanted to post pictures of the adorable Miles Dean, but didn't have any. But since I am a super genius I just stole them from kate's(mom) myspace. So here he is in all his cuteness for you to enjoy!!!!!!!!

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Lots of sleep!!

So surgery went well. It was nice to be having surgery without the end result being the removal of my unborn child. But on to happier thoughts. She did remove some tissue. She didn't say it was scar tissue. But some leftovers from past pregnancies, whatever that means. So I see her again in about 10 days an then hopefully we are on to TTC again!! WooHoo so we should be back in the game at the beginning of July. It feels like it has been forever since i was pg last time. I am ready to try and hopefully be pg soon.

I slept so much. I slept a total of 18.45 hours. Woo that is a lot. But I feel really good today. Had some cramping yesterday but it is all gone and I feel 100% again.

In other news I am thinking of getting my hair cut. I have been growing it out for two years now and I think i am ready to chop it off. I know that some of my friends are gonna say no, and they may be right. I am afraid i might regret wasting two years, but it is so cute when it is short. So any thoughts???

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I love comments on my blog. I am a little OCD about checking and rechecking to see if anybody said something. Maybe it is a pride issue, but it makes me feel good to know that people are reading my blog and find it interesting or maybe sad enough to say something. And it is always something very nice and encouraging.

So thank you to those who read and comment. Especially those who don't know me in person. It really does make me happy. And i can use all the happy i can get right now!!!!

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Drowing in a pool of sadness

Do you ever feel like that? That if one more bad thing happens you are going to drown? I think that is where I am. Josh's tagline on his google chat is "I miss my happy wife". That makes me cry because it is so true and I miss her too. I remember when i first met josh my freshman year of high school he gave me the nickname "Smiley". I'm amazed it was there at all given my childhood. But two years later when we started dating that smile had already started to fade. And now I think it is gone, im just wondering if it will ever come back.

So father's day, it sucks for two reasons. One is that I don't really have a father. My biological father gave me up for adoption to my step dad when I was 9. I didn't have any contact with him for 15 years. And the contact I do have right now is so surfacy and superficial that I don't know why I even waste my time. My step dad was a jerk, whom I haven't felt the need to be around in about 4 years now.

Second is that I cannot seem to make my husband a father. At least not a father to living children. He came home from church (I know he is better than me because I didn't go) sad. He told me that he said "happy father's day" to all the men and nobody said it to him. Do you know how that breaks my heart? I know that he is going to be such a wonderful daddy. I can see it with our animals, how he loves them. I never got to call anyone daddy and my heart aches to hear a little version of josh and I say it. And josh deserves to be one so bad. He has been there right next to me through all the crap.

Not looking forward to surgery on friday. The only good thing about it is that I get to be off work, and she will give me some really good painkillers. I can sleep away the pain (physical and emotional) on friday and saturday. It just seems like this journey is getting harder and harder. Everywhere I look there is another hurdle that I have to jump over. I am hoping and praying that at the end of this race there will be a baby for me to hold and love.

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Anesthesia means good times...

So I went today for my SSG. It was gonna be nice and easy. Well so much for that. She tried about 3-4 times to get the catheter in and my uterus didn't want to have anything to do with it. So she went and got an HSG catheter which has a balloon on it. She was thinking that would stay in better, but alas it didn't. So then she said I want you to fill your bladder and then we will use the abdominal sono so she could see where she was going. So I drank a whole bottle of water and waited. By this time my legs were shaking so bad because they had been in the stirrups for so long. So she tries some more after I drink the water and she still cant get it. She tells me to cough and then i felt an awful pain. She was using something else to try and weave the catheter in. But no luck. So after 45 min and about 10 tries she says were are done.

She thinks maybe i have some scar tissue and that is what is keeping it from going in. So guess what, she wants to put me under and dialate my cervix. Sounds like lots of fun. I go in next friday so she can do it and she said if there is scar tissue then she can remove it then. So i am kinda hoping i do and that is what my problem is. I have to stay on the BCP until after this procedure. So not sure when af will show and I will get to start TTC again.

Oh infertility and recurrent m/c how I love thee!!!!

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What has God shown you?

The women of my church have started a charm bracelet. It started at Diane's birthday party. They gave her a charm bracelet with a heart on it. They picked a heart because at her party we talked about what we knew was true about Diane's heart. And then Diane is suppossed to give it to a women in the church and she wears it for a month and then adds a charm that represents what God showed her. I instantly knew that she was going to give it to me first, and she did.

First off, do you know how hard it is to take what God has shown me and turn that into a charm? Not the easiest thing I've done. But I did pick a charm. It is similiar to this except that the one I picked is 3-D. I think it is very cute.

I got the flower to represent that God will turn my suffering into something beautiful. Out of all of this pain something wonderful and glorious will grow. Suffering is hard, but knowing that God will turn it into good makes it all worth it.

Oh and I know that there are no coincidences with God. So this must have some deep meaning. But today is the last day I am to wear the braclet and it just happens to have been on year ago today that the women of my church had a prayer meeting for me. This day is special.

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The cutest boy ever was born!!!


He is such a big, adorable, loveable, cutie pie!!!!!!
Here he is with me!!!

And here is my favorite pic of him. He is so freaking cute!!!!!

Love you Samuel!!!
Blogger is being a pain and won't let me move the words around. So sorry it looks bad!!

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We went home this weekend because Josh's late grandfather was being honored. It was a nice trip but it made us miss family even more and wish that we could move home.

While we were there I had a very sad realization. I feel that since the test results came back negative for a genetic disorder the problem has to be me. I feel inadequate as a women. Women's basic function is to have children, and that is one thing I apparently cannot do. Now don't get me wrong, I know that these are all lies and I am not less of a women, and it's not my fault i have PCOS. But sometimes emotion and pain out weigh logic. And I think until I do have a child, this will always be in the back of my mind. I think maybe the feeling would be similar to a women having breast cancer and losing a breast, or men who don't want a vasectomy because they would feel like less of a man. Even though it doesn't really make any sense, because breasts and sperm and babies isn't what makes us who we are the pain is still there.

It is hard to write it. I understand it in my head but it is not coming out right.

I have my SSG on friday. So we will have more answers then.

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Life is hard

I think this is the first time have done two entries in one day.

I really feel i need to write this down. I know that in my life i have had many hardships and things haven't always been fun or gone as planned. But then i move into another season and those hardships are looked back upon as growing, maturing moments.

But for my friend Donna it seems her hardship will last a lifetime. There will be no different seasons. Donna prayed so hard for a child and God answered and blessed her with a beautiful boy. When he was a 1 1/2 he was diagnosed with a genetic disorder called FragileX. At this time she was already pg with her daughter who would also be diagnosed with FragileX. About 10 mos ago Donna became pg again, accidently. It was definately God ordained since they were taking measure to prevent. We all wanted to believe that this baby was an answer to pray for Donna and Jim to have a child without the disorder, especially a son. I believed with all my heart that this baby was a picture of God's mercy for Donna. That he would be ok and wouldn't be another hardship for Jim and Donna. Sadly the news just came back that Benjamin also has FragileX. My heart is broken, i am crying as I write this. I just don't understand why God does what he does. Why some peoples lives are so hard. And it seems the hard will never end. Donna will have her children until the day she dies. This season will last the rest of her life.

If you are the praying type will you please pray for Donna. She needs her father to comfort her right now. She needs him to tell her that he will help her through this. She needs the strength to get up everyday and face her world.

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Being vulnerable.

Ok this walking with God and trusting him thing is so stinking hard sometimes. I have worked through all my anger issues toward him and know that he is good, and loves me and all that. But it is hard to let go and be vulnerable to him again. To give it all to him, my life, hopes, and dreams.

You know when you have a really good friend that you love and trust, and then they do something that hurts you and breaks the trust. Well that is how I am feeling towards God. Even though technically it wasn't his fault, but he still allowed it. And I know that a lot of people have a problem with a God that would allow bad things to happen, but that is not my problem. My problem is that I have been burned by people in my life and I have a hard time believing that God is any different. Which is lie from the pit of hell. He is completely different. He is perfect and he loves me more than i can ever fathom. He is not man and as such he doesn't screw up and hurt people like men do. This is not the life that he wanted for me, but alas Eve ate the fruit and here we live in a very fallen and sinful world.

Hey I already feel better. I just needed to remind myself of who he is. He is different. Like no one we have ever met. And his love for me is endless. And I want to give him all of myself, everything, even my desire to be a mother.

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There is a bill in California that was just passed by the Senate that would allow mothers of stillborns to get a Certificate of Stillbirth. As it is now they only get a death certificate. They have nothing that acknowledges the life of their child.

To me this sounds like a very reasonable request. But I guess I don't think like some democrates do. They added a line that talked about abortion. It says something like "We reaffirm a womens right to choose..." So when the bill went to vote only two republicans voted yes. Luckily the bill was passed but now it goes before the assembly and has to be passed before the governor will sign it.

I don't understand why they have to make this an abortion issue. It has absolutely nothing to do with abortion. Why would someone who has chosen abortion want a certificate of stillbirth? Or why is giving greiving mothers the certificate have anything to do with a womens right to choose?

I hope and pray that the bill is passed and the governor signs it. It is the right thing to do for these families.

Here is the story if you want to read it.

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My story

I wanted to do this so new readers would know my history. I am putting it right here for now but some day I will figure out how to make this a link on my sidebar.

Josh and I started dating in October 1995. I was 16 (almost 17) and he was 18. He was starting his freshman year of college and I had just gotten a job. We dated for two years when he moved 6 hours away to finish college. I had graduated by this time and was starting my freshman year. In july 1998 he proposed and of course I said yes. In may 1999 we were married and I left my friends and family to move to arlington so he could finish school.

In December 2004 we started ttc. I was worried that it would take us a while since my cycles had always been messed up. I remember waking up one dec morning and realizing af had shown. My cycle had been 34 days. I ran to my computer to figure out when I would ovulate if I had another 34 day cycle. I was so excited that we were trying. On January 10th I took an hpt and got a BFP. It was two days before josh's birthday and we were on cloud nine.

Because of insurance reasons I wasn't able to see the dr until 11.5wks. The pregnancy was going smoothly. I hadn't had any spotting, bleeding or cramping. Was having some mild m/s. We saw the dr on March 2nd. We were so excited to see our little baby and heartbeat. They did a transvaginal sono and being a newbie i didn't know what to expect. The tech didn't say much and then she said this, "this is not a good pregnancy, there is no heartbeat". At that moment my world fell apart. The heart had stopped beating at 10.5 wks. Two days later I had a D&C. I didn't think that I would be able to survive that loss. But I did, somehow God pulled me through it. That loss was one of the hardest things I had ever been through. It was like reality slapped me in the face. I was not immune to the pain and hardship of the world. My childhood wasn't great. But being married to josh was the best thing and even though we had tough times we had a great marriage. I never thought that we would be the couple to suffer so much loss.

In November 2005 I saw my new Ob. She started me on clomd 50mg, estrogen and progesterone. In Febuary 2006 I got another BFP, but the spotting started the same day. 5 days later the pregnancy was over. I would have never thought I would have another m/c. but i didn't have a good feeling about the pregnancy from the beginning.

May 2006 I saw an RE. We did a ton of testing and she diagnosed me with PCOS. We did a monitored clomid cycle. I didn't even ovulate and af showed about 80 days later. I took a ttc sabattical.

In February 2007 I started seeing my RE again. She started me on 100mg clomid. In March I got a BFP. I really believed this baby was gonna stick. In April we had our first sono. There was a hb but it was slow and we couldn't hear it. The dr said that wasn't necessarily bad and to come back in three days for another sono. We went back and there was no hb at all and baby had stopped growing. I was having my third m/c and I didn't know if I would ever recover. I had a D&C because the RE wanted to do genetic testing on the baby. The testing came back negative. Which is good, becuase it means Josh and I don't have some genetic defect. But it has left questions unanswered. She wanted to do more testing before we tried again. I had more blood tests done that all came back normal. She wanted to do an SSG but was unable to get the catheter into my cervix. So instead we did a hysterscopy. She removed scar tissue from my uterus. After this we were cleared to ttc again.

In July I did my 7th clomid cycle 100mg. It was bfn. In august I did clomid cycle #8 and had a chemical pregnancy. Beta came back at 4.78 and anything under 5 is non viable. So this was m/c #4.

In January 2008 we started an IUI w/injectibles cycle. I ovulated two eggs and we did the IUI twice. On February 26th the dr called and told me I was pg. Of course we were thrilled but also cautious. At 6wks we started having weekly sonos and baby was doing great. At 8wks the dr diagnosed me with a hematoma. I started spotting that day. Luckily that only lasted for one day and when we went back 3 days later for another sono the hematoma was gone and baby was doing great.

The next day at 8wks4d I had terrible abdominal pain and was taken to the ER. I was having a heterotopic pg. That is where one baby is in the uterus and the other is in the tube. My right tube had burst and I was bleeding internally. I had an emergency lapraotomy to remove the tube and blood. Luckily, there was enough of the tube left at the uterus that they could just clip it and didn't have to mess with my uterus, thus leaving that baby unharmed.

As I write this I am almost 15wks pg. I am still amazed that I have made it this far and continue to pray that I will bring this baby home in November.

I had a lot of anger towards God after the third m/c. We had specifially prayed that I wouldn't get pg unless i was going to carry to term. He didn't answer that prayer and that made me mad. But I slowly realized that God is still good and sometimes bad things happen. I have to continue to believe that God does love me regardless of what happens in my life. And that the suffering I go through will build my character, and give me the opportunity to minister to other women in the same position.

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Old blog

Here is the link to my first infertility blog. I stopped using it and started posting every part of my life here. Hopefully soon I will figure out how to just make a link on my sidebar.

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BC pills and change, not a good combo.

So things have changed at work. Joy, who worked here for almost 28 years, has retired. She will be missed (Becki stop rolling your eyes in disbelief)!!! So the dr hired a new lady and she only had 2 weeks of training. Two weeks to learn a job that someone else did for 28 years. And to add insult to injury she has never done any of this before. She doesn't do shots or mix/start IV's. Thus me not liking change. She is different than Joy, not that that is bad, but just different. She is slower, which is understandable, but it gets us way behind.

Also, since Joy is gone and the other nurse is the only one that can really answer questions we have thrown our answering machine in the trash and now Rian gets to answer all the phone calls. Woohoo, what makes this even better is that I am not at my desk all the time. I can be pulling a chart, getting a supplement out of the closet, giving a shot, finding a nurse. There are a dozen things I can be doing besides sitting at my desk!!!!!! I might have to look into a cordless headseat to get this accomplished. (if you are chatting with me and i don't seem very friendly this is why, super duper busy now)

I think what is adding to my not doing well with all of this change is my birth control. I really think it makes me more anxious in stressful situations. I know it is doing a number on my hormones because i feel I might cry at the drop of a hat. I have been able to keep my composure though!!.

Oh some gooder news. I have my saline sonogram scheduled for friday june 15th. One thing down two to go.

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