Archive for April 2007

Random stuff

Welcome to the world Benjamin David!!!!! My friend Donna gave birth on wed to an adorable little boy. I saw him on wednesday and he was so tiny and so cute. I will see him again today and can't wait to hold him!!! Baby and mom are both doing well.

We are having a garage sale tomorrow. Sounds like fun huh!!!! We are trying to raise money to send some kids to youth camp. On wed all the youths came over and we organized everything and we made $70. I think that is a good start. We have so much stuff in our garage. So I think this sale is gonna be good.

So i have over a month before i get to ttc again so i am going to take advantage of it. I am starting a fast/cleanse on sunday. It is called the lemonaide diet. Sounds interesting. One of the nurses did it and said she felt great and she lost some weight. I'm all for that. Also, starting back to the gym on monday. It has been about 8 weeks since i worked out and i really need to get back into the swing of things. And try and lose as much weight as I can.

I am going to Oklahoma city next weekend. My brother has some Tai Kwon Do competition and get to see him kick butt. Also, my aunt and cousins live there so it will be nice to see them. I will be going to Amarillo over memorial day weekend. That will be Josh and I's 8 anniversary. He will be at youth camp on the day so I guess we will celebrate when he gets home. Man i can't believe we have been married almost 8 years. That's crazy.

I have mentioned this blog many times on here and my other blog. Catherine is so strong and inspiring. She just found out she is pregnant again accidently. Please pray for her and baby. She has had two stillborns and is understandably scared and nervous. I really hope that she gets to bring this baby home in December.

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This journey has lots of waiting

TTC involves a lot of waiting. Waiting for ovulation, the 2 week wait after, if you're not pg, waiting for af to show so you can start again. Most of the time I hate the waiting it seems to drag on. This waiting is the same. I am waiting for test results that are keeping my life on hold. My future has two ways it can go and it all depends on those results.

I saw the dr yesterday and it was pretty uneventful. The genetic testing of the baby wasn't back and she said it would be 1-2 more weeks. So we are to do nothing utnil then.

I decided that I wasn't in denial about this whole thing. I sadly realized that it was just easier for me to move on this time. I am still heartbroken and sad, but anxiously looking towards the future and trying and hopefully having a baby. I think these things and the hope they bring are helping to get through this easier. And probably, as sad as it is, the more it happens the easier it gets.

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I think im still in denial!!!

So I'm pretty sure I still haven't really delt with all the feelings yet and it is fear that is keeping me from doing it. But I will work on my scrapbook on saturday and then all the feelings should rush over me and i will officially be a mess for who knows how long.

The thing that makes me the saddest about this loss (besides not having a baby of course) is all hopes and dreams. I had prayed that I would be pg in time to surprise my mom at her 50th bday party. My nephew was just born and they would be less than a year apart. The baby would have been born around thanksgiving so we would get to show him/her off at Christmas to all our family. I would get to stop working in November and never have to come back. I wouldn't feel like i am feeling right now and i wouldn't have to be doing fertility treatment again for a while. All of these things are gone. Dreams flushed down the toilet now floating in the ocean somewhere.

For the third time my heart is broken and a part of me is lost forever. I have changed so much in the last two years and this will change me more. I don't know if I will recognize who I am at the end of this journey. Or if i will like who i become. I know i have said this before so it must be a deep fear that I have that I really need to work through. Maybe a meeting with Greg should be scheduled.

Another intesting aspect of me losing this child is my friends. I know that they hurt and they grieve and they support as much as they can. And i hate it that this tragedy has to affect so many people. Annie asked me last night how I will feel when she gets pregnant again. Which is a very valid question and im happy that our friendship is one where she feels comfortable asking me. I told her i would be happy for her and heartbroken all at the same time. That every new pregnancy is just a reminder of what i don't have. but I don't want my friends to plan their life around mine. Or to feel bad about their fertility status because mine sucks so much. It just sucks that these questions have to be thought about or asked at all. Life is just really screwed up right now and I am just ready for a good change. A happy change...

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Trying to move on

and not knowing what that looks like. I really don't know if i have dealt with all the emotions that this tragedy holds for me. I haven't cried since last weekend and i think i am trying my hardest not to feel anything because i think it will destroy me. I know that is not good and I need to walk through all the stagese of grief, but frankly im scared. Scared i won't come out on the other side. Scared i will be a different person, a person i don't like. So I stay in my denial and try to think that life is just great. Not that it was great before this but it was significantly better. I am doing my best to avoid people, and when they call i act like all is fine. I don't like being this person, but im scared of the alternative. I am thinking that once my mom is gone and I am left alone then the emotions will flood over me.

For the first baby i made a little scrapbook. The pic of the test, the congrats cards and then the "im so sorry" cards. I had none of that for the second baby. but I have all of that and more for this one. I have sono pics. Pictures of that precious life that just tear me up everytime I see them. So when i feel like i can i am going to make a scrapbook for this baby too. That will be the only thing I will ever have of this baby. I will never get to feel him/her move or hear cry or see their beautiful eyes. And my heart aches because of it. But i will always the cards and the pictures. Three pregnancies later and still no baby, only cards and pictures. How did my life end up this way??

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In this place again

Never would I have believed that i was going to have a third miscarriage. At least not right now. Maybe after having a kid or two i might have another one and even though it would still hurt at least I would have children. I wouldn't be left with the overwhelming fear that I will never be a mother to a living child. I wouldn't be left with wondering what is wrong with my body that it keeps killing my children. This is not a place i ever wanted to be in again. And here I am. Heartbroken with my dead unborn child still inside of me. I know these are harsh words, but they are my reality. My reality that I can conceive a child once a year only to lose it weeks later. That after spending so much time and money to get pregnant with this baby it dies and now I get to spend even more money to have it removed from my body. For some reason my body doesn't know this baby has died. Maybe it is holding onto the hope that I have lost and not sure I will ever get back. So I will go to the dr tuesday and she will put me under and she will rip my unborn child from my womb. And they will test it genetically to see what is wrong. This is a place i don't want to be in. Where I want there to be some explanation why i keep losing my children, but terrified that she will tell me that we have some genetic abnormality that will never allow us to have living children. But I guess at least the latter would give me some closure. A feeling that I haven't had in over two years.

I am having to learn again the harsh reality that God doesn't always answer prayer. We prayed i would not conceive unless i would carry that child to term. Everyone believed that this baby would make it. But it didn't. And now i am here angry at God but knowing i will not make it to the other side of this tragedy without him. I feel like the pain and sorrow will just swallow me up and i will be a walking zombie for the rest of my life, never feeling anything again. But I don't want to be that zombie. I want to be normal again. Whatever that looks like. Greg came over last night and prayed for us. He reminded me that God owes me nothing and as hard as that is to hear it is true. Spending eternity in heaven with him is the best that i can hope for and that is still so much more than i will ever deserve. So some how I have to pick up the pieces and go on. Knowing that there is always the possibility that I will never have children and that has to be ok. I have to be able to live my life in spite of that. I don't really know what that looks like, but i know it won't be easy.

So this is my life. Filled with more sorrow than I think I can bare, but i guess God thinks i can. I am in an unsure place at the moment. Unsure if i can try again. I really don't want to be here again, and trying again always means there is a possibility that i would have to walk through this all over again. On my support forum i encourage them that they will know when to try when the desire to have a baby overrides the fear of another miscarriage. I don't know if I will be in that place anytime soon. But then my heart is broken more to see so many women around me having babies and second and thrid babies and wanting my children to be close in age to theirs. And wanting to not be left out. I am almost thirty and i cannot fathom that i don't have children. That i have been married almost 8 years without kids. It seems so unfair, but life isn't fair is it. Sadly no it is not. So i get to continue to be AUNT to so many wonderful babies while my heart aches and wishes it could me mom to someone.

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It's over...

Pregnancy is over. D&c tuesday. I am broken and angry.

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Trusting God

Dr's appt yesterday didn't go as smoothly as planned. Baby measured right on target but we couldn't hear the heartbeat and could just barely see it. Dr was concerned because it should be over 100bpm. So we are going back on friday for another sono. We know that God is in control and can do anything so we are trusting him that our baby is just fine. Of course many of our friends are praying for us and the baby and we are so thankful for all those prayers. And we know that God hears them and he knows the desire of our hearts. We have worked long and hard to get this baby and I feel in the deepest parts of my soul that he/she will be coming home with us in November. So continue praying and we will update as soon as we know anything.

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, and may you overflow with hope through the power of the Holy Spirit.
Romans 15:13

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Yup, it's true...

I'M PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!!

WOOHOO is all i can say. It's looks like josh and I will be parents!!! can you believe it? Me neither. It has taken us so long to get to this place and I cannot express to you how stinking happy we both are.
NOt much to post about. We see the dr tomorrow and do a sono so we will get to see baby and hopefully a strong heartbeat. I will post an update then and hopefully some good pics.
If you are a youth, do not tell your parents. we will be announcing it at church on Sunday!!!!!!!

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