Since starting this cycle I have been focused only on it. When I will start injections, when will we do the IUI, when will I have my beta? These are the things I'm thinking about. And I have to say that I feel much happier right now than I have been in a long time. I have hope and that just seems to make the world better.

But today I realized something. I completely forgot the anniversary of my 2nd loss. I was so busy with the IUI's on the 13th and 14th that I didn't even think about. It wasn't until today when a friend mentioned it that I remembered. I can't decide if this is a good thing or not. Is it good that I am moving on and going on with my life and thus forgetting very important dates? I kinda feel bad about forgetting. Kinda like that baby isn't as important as this baby I am trying to conceive right now. I will say I don't like any of these thoughts at all. This is a hard place to be in. Trying for a baby while trying to remember the ones lost.

For me all of my lost babies are very important. They all have a special place in my heart. And I have always said to myself that even when I do have children I will still remember them and celebrate their short lives. They will always be a part of me. But as years pass will anniversary dates come and go and I won't even notice, especially if I have other children to keep me busy?

The next few months are gonna be hard. I have two more m/c anniversaries. One in march and one in april. I know that they will be even harder if this cycle doesn't work, or worse if it does work and I lose yet another baby. It will be three years this march since I lost my first little angel. March 2nd, one of the very worst days of my life. I can remember it like it was yesterday. Last year march 2nd was redeemed a little because my friend Megan had her baby on that day and we conceived on that day too, but we all know how that turned out. So the day is tainted even more now.

It would just all be so much easier if this cycle worked and we brought home a baby, or babies in november. That is what I am praying for. That this season of suffering is over and we can walk out of the valley and onto the moutain. I am ready for the view from the mountain.

February 25th is already a good day in my book. It's the day Levi will make his grand entrance into this world. It is also the day that I will find out if this IUI cycle worked...11 days from now. That is one great thing about my RE, I don't have to wait the average 2 weeks. But still the waiting is agonizing.

Wednesdays IUI went great. Josh's count was off the charts. I was a little worried about it because of my low pregnancy rates. But I worried for nothing. Josh is so wonderful. He said he was a little sad his count was so good because he wanted to share in the burden of our infertility, he didn't want it all to be my fault. That was so sweet of him. The procedure went well too. I was worried because of my failed saline sono experience. But the nurse did a great job.

Today's procedure didn't go as smoothly. It took her longer to get the cathater in and it was a lot more painful. But she got it done. They did a sono afterwards which showed I had already ovulated the two follicles. So we have done all that we can. Its up to them now!!! Hopefully they will meet each other and be the best of friends.

Oh, I forget to tell ya that my friend Diane had a dream that I had twin girls. And a couple nights ago I had a dream that I had twins, a boy and a girl. I remember back in high school coming up with names for the twins I would have. I have always wanted twins and I guess now my chances are very likely.

February 25th please come quickly...

So here we go. I will be doing an IUI on wed and thur. I have two mature follicles (i really wanted more than two, but I'll take it) on the left side. Right side was a little spare this time around!! I am very excited and terrified all at the same time. This is all new to me. I have walked the road of IF for over three years now, but this is my first real medical intervention. I mean the fact that my child may be conceived and my husband won't even be there! So if you are the praying type will you send one up for me that this will work and I will be bringing home a baby in November.

I have been working on a post about the Business of Being Born, which I saw this weekend, but I can't seem to get it right. So for now I'll say if it is showing in your area try to see it and if not then rent it when it comes out in March. It is eye opening to say the least.

Saw the RE again today. Acutally, I didn't see her, just one of her nurses. Anywho, we did another E2 level and a sono. I got clarification on the number from Sunday. It was 40.1. I asked her if that was too low and she said not necessarily. She said because of my PCOS they stim really slowly. They aren't overly concerned about my E2 level as much as they are follicle growth.

Soooo....today I had 6 follicle between 8-10 which is really good for cd10. My E2 level went up to 60 something. So I am to alternate my dosage between 75 and 50, then go back Saturday for another E2 and sono.

So things are happening, and I'm excited. I was really happy to see the left ovary stepping up and showing the right one who was boss. The left had 4 of those 6 follicles.

The waiting continues...

Not much going on here. On day 8 of stims. I go tomorrow for my cd10 sono and another E2 level. I had my estrogen drawn on Sunday and josh answered the phone when they called with the results. He thinks they said 40.1 or it could have been 140.1, either way that seems really low to me. Being a newbie to all this E2 stuff I called on Dr. Google for all my answers. Most of what I found said 100-200 per follicle. So neither of those numbers (40.1, 140.1) are very good. Seeing as how I would like more than one mature follicle. But alas, questions will be answered tomorrow when I have the sono. Praying the ovaries are doing their job!!

So the diet hasn't been going great lately!! But on my forum I have a Weight Loss Buddy that I have to be honest with so that is helping. Yesterday I started a strict no carb diet, which if I do get pg I hope to continue throughout the pregnancy. Doing all I can to avoid gestational diabetes!! Anywho, trying to do better on the diet and doing yoga everyday. I just bought two new yoga DVD's. I love yoga but my gym only has 2 times that are convenient for me, so now I can do it at home everyday!!

Speaking of diet. I am trying to eat more fruit. I really like fruit but I'm lazy and most of it requires some form of cutting. But grapes don't and boy are they yummy. I am having some for my afternoon snack. They are like little balls of sugar!!!!

I am so a child of the 80's. I love everthing about that decade. The hair, makeup, music, movies, spandex, bright colored clothing, jelly bracelets, jelly shoes, wearing multiple colored socks, and on and on. Everytime we go home I spend way too many hours watching Best of the 80's on VH1. The ringtone for my phone is Girls just wanna have fun by Cindy Lauper. I just have so many great memories that have to do with the fun and weirdness of that decade.

Speaking of 80s music my abosolute favorite band was NEW KIDS ON THE BLOCK. I so loved Joey with his sparkling blue eyes. My bedroom was covered in posters and cut outs from all the teen magazines. I had all their tapes and videos. I would even record them if they were on a show. I remember recording SNL and the Macy's thanksgiving day parade because they performed. One year basically everything I got for christmas was NKOTB. I had a sleeping bag and the action figures. Oh, I just remembered one summer I got an awful sunburn that itched and itched, the only relief I found was when I watched the NKOTB videos!! (If you are a late 20 early 30 year old woman you are shaking your head in agreement as you remember your zealous love for all that was NKOTB!!!!)

My plan was to go to college at Harvard just so I could be in Boston and maybe run into Joey. I had dreams about he and I meeting and falling in love and getting married. But sadly they broke up and I grew up. My obsession ceased and me and joey went on with our seperate lives. I have read here and there that he has gotten married and recently had a child.

But today the NKOTB silence has been broken. On my google homepage I get updates from PEOPLE magazine and today I noticed one about NKOTB so I clicked over. It seems as though they are making a comeback. Now this could be good or bad, I guess we will just have to wait and see what happens. But I must say I have a little bit of 12 year old girl excitement going on!!
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Now for an adult topic!!! I saw the RE yesterday and started my meds. Follistim once daily and go back for blood draw on Sunday. I must say that I am extremely excited and hopeful about this cycle. I don't want to get too hopeful because then I will have further to fall if this doesn't work, but it's hard not to.

Oh, because I am crazy and like to have my heart broken I looked to see when my edd would be. November...oh how that would be the best birthday present ever.

So I'm jumping back on the IF rollercoaster. I saw my RE today and we have a new game plan. IUI with injectibles. Woohoo. I will see her for my baseline sono and she will give me the meds and tell me what to do. They don't do an injections class, they just teach you personaly. But I give SQ shots all the time, so it's no big deal.

We talked about a lot of stuff she wants to try. She said it won't hurt so might as well do all we can. I am gonna do the metformin:( it kills me, but I will be more than happy to endure. Also, gonna do baby aspirin and progesterone after ovulation. May even do some heparin.

So there is the game plan. Now we just wait for AF to show. I got a script for provera just in case. I am so freakin excited to be TTC again. I have so much hope right now, and I just pray that this will work and I will have a baby very soon.

I'll keep you posted!!