Archive for August 2010

Good update

Maverick is doing very well.  Surgery was good. They removed the whole mass on his adrenal gland, which is wonderful.  They put a port in for chemo and did a bone biopsy.

Preliminary pathology results showed the mass is a neuroblastoma and it is what the dr's were thinking it was, which is also good.  The bone marrow pathology came back clear.  So good news all around.

They are keeping him sedated and have him on a respirator.  Since he was so symptomatic they decided to start the chemo today.  He got two kinds today and will get one tomorrow and one on thursday.  They said he will plateau for a few days and then start to show signs of improvement.  They said the cancer grows fast but it also dies fast, so that's good news.

He did great with the chemo.  No side effects so far.  The biggest concern is how large the liver is.  It is currently so large, basically the size of an adult liver, that it is putting lots of pressure on other organs and making breathing hard.  The chemo should start shrinking the liver within the next few days.

I'll keep you all updated.  Just keep praying for him and the family.

Here is his caringbridge site if you want to keep updated on everything.

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I was at the hospital today.  I was at that same hospital exactly 4 weeks ago to witness the birth of my godson.  That was a very good day.

Today was not a good day.  My 4 week old godson has been diagnosed with a neuroblastoma.  It is on his adrenal gland and spread to his liver.  Today they ran all sorts of tests.  The poor thing was hooked up to IV's, catherter, pulse ox.  Tomorrow he will have surgery.  They will definately do a biopsy and hopefully be able to remove the tumor also.  Within the week he should be starting chemo.

My mind just feels like it's full of water and it is floating.  I just cannot believe that this is happening.  That this poor little boy and his mother and father and sister and the rest of his family have to go through all of this.  I am just trying to stay strong for M during all of this.

Oh and yes this is the same friend whose sister was murded exactly a week ago...raining...pouring...

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hurts so bad...

I am currently suffering from the worst headache I have had in the last 16 years.  I say 16 years because when I was 15 I was plagued by a never ending headache for over a month.  I went to bed with it every night and it was there waiting for me every morning.  It finally got so bad that I had my boyfriend take me home early one night and I cried to my mother that I couldn't take it anymore.  So we went to the pediatrician who didn't know what it was and referred us to an ENT.  They thought it was a sinus infection so they gave me meds and nothing happend.  After that we went to a neurologist and he did all kinds of weird tests, and cat scans and MRI's all to know avail.  There were no answers for my chronic headaches.  He gave me meds that I took daily to keep the headache at bay and they would work for a few months and then we would change to another one.  This went on for over a year until I finally ran out of options and he just gave me some super pain killers to take as needed.  I realized that headaches would be a part of my life and I learned to manage them and go on with my life.

It wasn't until 7 years ago that a dr. finally figured out the cause of my headaches...TMJ.  I knew I had TMJ because that same year at age 15 I went days without being able to open my mouth.  After that I was left with a popping jaw that I was only able to open so far before the pain set in.  (why no one, including myself, thought the two were connected, I'll never know)  The problem with TMJ is getting insurance to pay for any procedures.  Medical says it's a dental issue and dental says it's a medical issue.  Thus I am still plagued my painful jaw and my chronic headaches.

But this headache is totally different. The pain is in my forehead and behind my eyes.  It hurts to move my eyes from side to side.  Looking at this screen is killing me.  My mom thinks this headache is my bodies way of reacting to the grief, both physical and emotional.  I have not been sleeping well at all, and my brain never shuts off...constantly thinking about what happened and M's poor family.

There was a rosary service on tuesday with an open casket.  It was awful. She didn't look like herself.  I know the funeral home people did the best they could since there was considerable head, face and neck damage done.  Her poor children just stood there looking at her.  I cannot even fathom what it must be like to look down and see your mother lying there.  My heart is just so broken. 

The funeral was yesterday and burial was today.  I didn't go to the burial because it was out of town.  I think my body knew I was done being there for M physically for a while so it took this time for me to feel all that is going on inside of me.  And I can take it.  I'm a big girl who has dealt with more physical and emotional pain than I would ever like.

But this headache better find it's way out the door by 6 tomorrow morning.  I have to go to M's house to get her daughter ready and off to school.  She has to be at the hospital at 6:30 for an MRI for her 3 week old son.  They found out tuesday that he has a mass on his adrenal gland.  As if tragically losing her sister wasn't enough...

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I haven't seen M today.  She is with her family.  I am terribly worried about her.  She hadn't been sleeping because of the new baby.  I may force myself over to her house so I can watch him while she sleeps tonight.

Today was my first day of school.  All  my classes are online except one, which incidently I will miss because it is the day of the burial.  I took my first quiz and made a 100 so that's good.  I have been trying to keep myself busy with school and Kai.  But I can only do that for so long and then my mind wanders back to it all. 

I still really can't believe that it is true.  That she is really gone and that her husband took her life.  That 4 kids are left with no mother or father.  That this family will have a huge, gaping hole in it where a wonderful women once was. 

It's just so wrong on so many levels...

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It feels so surrel...

A little over 24 hours ago my friends sister was murdered by her own husband, in her garage, while her 4 children slept in the house...

I think that I am still waiting to wake up from this nightmare and be grateful that I was only sleeping and it isn't real.  But it is real and I can't seem to wrap my brain around it.  I am one of those people who knows that bad things happen all the time, and that they have to happen to someone, so I never thought I was immune, but I guess I never really expected it to hit so close to home.

I have known my friend M since I was four years old.  I don't remember much about her sister until M and I were reunited in junior high.  M and I were unseperable, we spent most every waking moment together (unless of course we were fighting, we were preteen girls after all!).

M's sister was about 13 years older than we were, so she was an adult and she was married.  When we were 17 she had her first baby, actually twins.  They went to a resort in Missouri for some conference thing and M and I drove up to babysit the twins for them.  And when we left we took the twins with us back to their house in Oklahoma.  M's sister and her husband returned home a few days later.  It was so much fun watching the babies and we both felt so grown up for being trusted with such a hefty task.

I just love M's family so much.  They are the reason I would like to have 4 kids.  It is just so much fun when they all get together.  I haven't seen M's mom since this happened.  She was busy making arrangments and going to the house to get things for the kids.  M's parents are retired and just sold their house so they currently live in a 1 bedroom apartment.  Not really condusive to raising 4 kids.

I didn't sleep well last night.  Everytime I woke up it was all I could think about.  I know basically what happened and I kept picturing it.  And then I would go back to the last time I saw her.  And what a wonderful, caring, loving person she was.  And how are her children going to survive without their mother?  And how will they ever be able to work through the issue that their father murdered her? 

So many questions, so many "what if's".  But she is gone and now somehow we have to pick up the peices and carry on.  I have to be there for M.  I have to be strong for her as she completely falls apart because she will never see her sister again.  And I have to pray that God will be there in the middle of this tragedy.  That He will comfort this family when they feel like they cannot go on.

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Life, blessings, God's goodness...

My bestie Megan had her adorable little boy on sunday.  I got to be there for the whole thing and see him enter this world.  It seriously was the most amazing thing to watch.  I cried at just how awesome the whole process is.  How God created women to bring life into this world.  Baby and mommy are doing well.  They are going home today and will learn to be a family of 4.

As of 10:00 this morning Josh and I will officially be homeless.  I house is being auctioned on the steps of the courthouse in Arlington.  So if you're bored stop by and let me know how much it goes for!!!  Honestly I am very sad to see the house go like this.  I loved that house.  I hate that no one else loved it like I do.  I am happy that that chapter is finally closing and Josh and I can move on...whatever that means, renting or buying again.  We really need our own space and I am so happy that we can finally seriously start looking.

A blog I read Noah Steven Crowned in Peace recently posted about a friend of theirs who had donated 2/3 of his healthy kidney to his brother.  Unfortunately, Ryan, the brother who donated was not doing well.  Sadly he has passed away, but he is in heaven now with his Lord, so he is ok.  It just must be terribly sad for that family.  And I can't imagine how hard this is for his brother.  Ryan gave the ultimate gift, the gift of life and for that he will always be remembered.  Here is the Caringbridge site if you would like to stay updated on the family.  If you think about them please pray for peace and understanding.

I have been in a huge funk lately.  So much so that I have considered seeing a dr and getting some medication.  There was a short time during my infertility where I took an anti-depressant and I was really feeling like I needed it again.  But I think I am ok now.  It was a combination of the house, moving back in with the in-laws, and some family issues that were going on.  All of which seems to be working out. 

Do you know that God is amazing, wonderful, awesome...He is just soooo good even though I have done nothing to deserve His goodness.  I was at wallyworld the other day and parked next to a car that had a PAIL (pregnancy and infant loss) magnet on it.  I have never seen another one of those ever.  So I felt compelled to write a little note and leave it on the car.  I ran in the store and bought a card, hurrying so they wouldn't leave before me.  I told them I was sorry for their loss and that I would be praying for them and I signed my name.  A few hours later I got a facebook message from a girl asking if I was the one who left the note.  She said how it touched her that I would do that and how thankful she was.  Last night I went to her FB page and noticed that she had a son and that his name was...wait for it...MALACHI!!! Wait it gets better...they call him CHI, which is another way to spell KAI!!  Ok I seriously don't believe in coincidences.  I think everything is ordained by God and that this is just super crazy and cool.  She and her husband are also high school sweethearts and they had 3 miscarriages.  Their son is adopted and very adorable.  I am so thankful that God wove our lifes together.

Kristina asked me a question on my last post about finding a dr that is ok with not vaccinating.  My answer is that that is hard to do. They are very few and far between.  My dr in arlington was awesome.  He had no problem with me not vaccinating.  I was a little hesitant moving to a smaller town which is a little behind when it comes to things natural.  But thankfully Kai has been super healthy so we have not even found a pediatrician.  I don't take him for well-baby visits because I find it unnecessary.  I think they are mainly for shots so I dont see the purpose.  I know that he is developing normally and his height and weight are perfect. So Kristina I can't really answer your question, but just remember that you are the mother and you have the right to decide what you want to do for your child.  If your dr doesn't agree then find another one.  Good luck!!

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