Archive for September 2007

It's all about support...

I am currently wearing my pomegranite red bracelet. I wear it to make others aware of infertility. To create awareness that this is a disease that affects 6 million Americans. It is a medical problem and medical insurance should cover testing and treatments. If you haven't gotten your bracelet yet visit DMarie's blog and purchase one. All profits go towards Infertility Awareness.

Can I just say how heartbroken I am for Jenna. Her adoption fell through at the last moment. On her blog she compares the pain she feels to her miscarriage. I can't even imagine. But luckily she has some wonderful friends. One of her friends is trying to raise money for Jenna's adoption journey, and also for IF awareness. They are going to have a raffle to raise the money. Please go and buy some tickets. They are also going to give 5% of the money to one of the bloggers who purchases tickets. So I'm gonna go over there and buy some. I am truly amazed at how selfless this friend of Jenna's is being.

So read all the details below and go get you some tickets. Maybe you will win!!!! :)

The Process:You can purchase a pack of raffle tickets from their online store (using PayPal only). Simply click the 'raffle' icon and select the pack(s) of tickets you are interested in (Iphone, PS3, Webkinz). Tickets come in groups of 6 for $5 or 13 for $10. Add as many to your shopping cart as you'd like. When you check out, be sure to give an email address that you will check often because that will be how you will be notified if you are the winner of one of the prizes. You will be sent an email containing your ticket numbers (a receipt of sorts) once your payment goes through.

NOTE: If you would also like to be a part of the blogger special prize donation, then you MUST type your IF/adoption blog address into the window marked as "Special Instructions". This must be an active blog that is focused on infertility or adoption. If you don't have a blog, feel free to enter the address of a friend whose blog has helped you through your own journey.

The Fine Print:

*The same person cannot win more than one prize, however, multiple people within the same household are eligible to win.

*The drawing will take place on November 26, 2007

*Prizes will be mailed out on December 1, 2007 (assuming they've made contact with the winners)

*If they cannot contact the winner within 30 days, a new winner will be drawn.

*The names of the winners will be posted on Jenna's blog right after the drawing

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God is good...

God's grace and mercy amazes me daily. He is so good to me even when I am not really paying much attention to Him. I am going to honestly say that I have had a hard time spending time with him or praying since the m/c in april. That paticular m/c rocked my world more than the other two combined. See we (me, josh and my whole church, mom and family) were praying that I would not get pg again until i was going to carry to term. That prayer had been prayed every day for almost a year. So when I got pg I was 100% sure that pg would stick and I would be bringing home a baby in november. Even when we went for the first sono and things didn't look good, I still believed we would have that baby. So, when we went for the 2nd sono and there was no hb my world fell apart more than it ever had.

I think the first two m/c helped to bring me closer to God, but the thrid one just pushed me away. And then a bfn and a chemical pg just added to it. The more pain I had to go through and the more happiness and blessings I saw in my friends lives just made me not believe anymore. I still believed in God, but didn't really believe that He loved me like he did everyone else. That I was doing something wrong and thus being punished. I have had many great people try and speak truth into my life , but it is hard to listen sometimes.

Last weekend when I felt my marriage and my life were crumbling at my feet I was mad at God again. I couldn't believe that he was going to have me walk through something else. Why the heck did he think I was so strong? He knew that forgiveness was hard for me and that was the one thing I had to do to save my marriage. So last saturday my heart was broken for the millionth time and I didn't know how I was going to recover.

On Sunday our pastor talked about forgivness. Mainly about accepting God's forgiveness of us. It was perfect timing of course because there are no coincidences with God. I realized then that I had to forgive josh. And the fact that he wept at my feet and told me over and over how sorry he was made it that much easier.

I am truly amazed at what God has done in our lives over the past 6 days. There is no anger or bitterness between us. We are so much in love and just want to spend time with each other. I have completely forgiven him for this and other things that I felt the need to harbor for the last 9 years. I am free, we are free and I just want to shout it from the rooftops how wonderful God is. It is nothing short of a miracle how things have worked out. There is no way in my humanness that I could have forgiven him. It was all the grace and mercy of God.

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2 years old...

It seems with each passing anniversary it gets easier. It is still not a fun day. But the freshness of the wound is no longer there. This is the third time I have had to celebrate this anniversary and this is just the beginning. I think I will always remember this day and what could have been.

This is the due date of my very first little baby. I can still remember the day that we conceived. I knew that we had because it was the only time in my life up until then that I had felt ovulation pain. I had always feared that it would take a long time for me to get pg with all my cycle issues (boy was I right!!) but we got pg on that very first cycle. And I was so happy and overjoyed. Seeing those two pink lines was one of the happiest days of my life.

I had friends who had m/c so I was a little cautious. But I think I still believed it wouldn't happen to me. Because of insurance I wasn't able to see the dr until 12wks. I think that was a blessing and a curse. I was never able to see a heartbeat which was there until 10.5wks. Sometimes I am so happy that I never saw it and then at other times I am sad. It would be nice to have had one nice sono in these last 3 years.

So here I sit thinking how incredibly different my life would be with a 2 year old running around. So many dreams lost. I have heard a lot of women say that even though they are not happy that they m/c, when they do go on to have a baby they know that m/c baby was sacrificed so they could have the other. Does that make sense?? Anyways, that would not be the case for me. I have been pg four times, but three of those could have really happened. I could have a 2, 1 and soon to be born baby. I know it would be hard but hey I would do it. So it seems all of mine have died in vain. They didn't leave to make room for another, because all the others left too.

It looks like ttc will be put on hold until the beginning of the year. Even if I get the money, I think we will wait because of the holidays and such. It will be interesing to see if my pattern holds. I have gotten pg in jan, feb and march. Maybe april will be my lucky month.

I am still praying for that 1 in a million chance...

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I found the answer

So, many of us ask how can we not think about babies and pregnancy when it is all around? Well, I have found the answer. Have something completely devestating happen in your marriage and your focus will be changed. And no I don't want to talk about it for those of you I know in real life. But this is my outlet and I have to be able to express everything that happens in my life or I might just shrivel up and die.

So Josh and I are having issues but I am happy to say that we are working through it. And much quicker than expected. I have issues with trust and forgiveness. But it amazes me how easily forgiveness is coming. Trust, now that will take a little longer. But I'm happy to say I feel like we are on the right track.

Can I tell you what the oddest thing of all of this is? Even though my heart was shattered into a million pieces and it was because of something stupid he did, I feel at this very moment that I love him more now than I ever have in the last 12 years we have been together. I just have this desire to be with him. I love the sound of his voice and beautiful blue of his eyes. It just really feels so surreal to me. I should be mad and sad and not head over heals for him.

But I guess God works in mysterious ways sometimes. And even though I would never wish this pain and suffering on me or josh. I am happy to say that our marriage is already stronger. The last three years have been such a rollercoaster for us both. But I believe now that we can survive anything.

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Support group

Have any of you ever been to a real life support group? Well, last night josh and i went to one. This was a first in our almost 3 years of IF and recurrent m/c. I have an online forum I am a member of and of course all the wonderful ladies in the blogosphere. But this was the first time I had met people face to face who are where I am.

The group I went to was called MEND. Most of the families suffered from stillbirth, most were full term and most were cord accidents. So that gives me something else to worry about if I ever get to that stage of pg. Anywho, there were a few other women there who had suffered m/c. It was just nice to know I wasn't alone and that I can know people who have been there. They only meet once a month for this meeting. They also have an IF meeting once a month too. But I won't be able to attended that this month, josh has a work thing we have to go to. I liked that the meetings were for moms and dads. Josh was a great support.

On October 6th they are having a Walk to Remember. Has anyone done this before? It's interesting because the book I just read by Ayelet Waldman Love and other impossible pursuits, talked about one of these walks. Apparently it is a common loss thing. It happens all over the country during the month of October. Which happens to be Pregnancy and Infant loss awareness month. I have mixed feelings about the walk. My main problem is when they call out the names of the babies. I haven't named any of mine. Does that make me a bad mother? Josh and I just never gave them cute little nick names, and I don't know the sex of any of them so we didn't give them real names. I would hate for them to call out Moody baby 1-4. So I think that part would be awkward. I do like the idea of them having a memorial table. I can take my two scrapbooks I made and my sono pic from the thrid pg. It will be nice to share those since only josh and one friend have seen them.

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So my dad said yes about the money. But i don't know when he will give it to us. So the waiting continues. I am hoping and praying for follow through on his end.


Since I don't know when we will get the money I am not currently doing anything IF wise. Which makes me feel hopeless. It's awful but I really don't believe I can get pg without medical intervention. I thought about going on bcp so that my cycles won't be totally out of control. But josh didn't want to. Because of that 1 in a million chance that we could conceive on our own. Wouldn't that be wonderful if it did happen? But im not holding my breath.


My diet is going well. I have currently lost 8 pounds. Woohoo!!! Go me!! Anyways, i still need to go to the gym. Changing my eating is only gonna get me so far. The only good thing about not cycling is that I can spend more time on losing the weight and not thinking I'm just gonna get pg so why work on it. The one habit I can't change is Coke. I have to have at least 1 a day (don't ask how many ounces that one is)!!!!


I'm not faithful with taking my prenatals. It is something I really need to work on. The morning I found out my 2nd pg was over I had taken my prenatals that morning and hadn't eaten. My stomach was upset for the rest of the day. For some reason now I associate taking them with loss. and after each loss it gets harder and harder to take them. It amazes me that I will spend 1000's of dollars to try and have a baby, but the little things I should be doing are hard for me.


These last couple of days have been really hard for me. It seems pg and babies are every where and it just makes me sad. I feel so hopeless. That I have been doing this for almost three years and am no closer to having a baby. The next three months, each with their own edd, are gonna be torture. I think they will be even worse since I'm not doing anything to make my dream come true. I am just so ready to be on the other side of this journey.

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I need courage...

I am going to ask my dad for money!!!! Let me give those of you who don't know me a little background info. My mom and dad divorced with I was less than 1. When I was 9 he gave me and my older brother up to be adopted by our step father. Who just happened to be a big jerk most of the time. When I was 25 I decided to try and have a relationship with him. He was very open to it. Since then we have met about every month or so for dinner and a movie or something like that. He knows that I have had 2 m/c and that I am seeing a specialist. But he doesn't really know the rest of the story. Our relationship is pretty surfacy. He has never asked me about my childhood, or wanted to see pictures or anything. We basically talk about his restuarants, josh's job and other non important things.

So I am having him and his wife over for dinner tonight to ask him to give me money to continue our efforts to have a child and I am terrified. I am truly afraid that he will say no. His role in my life usually only brings about pain, so I'm having a hard time believing this will be any different. I am praying that God will touch him and he will choose to be generous. A good friend pointed out how wonderful it would be if he did give us the money and I did go on to have a baby. How connected he would hopefully already feel to that child. I know that my step mom wants us to have children very badly. She has never had any and never will, so I am hoping that will help him in his decision. So if you pray will you say one for me to have courage and for God's will to be done.

Thanks, I'll let you know how it goes.

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A new friend

Thanks to Lost and Found, which can be found here, I have found a new blog to read and add to my sidebar. I wanted to tell you about it so you all can visit her and be praying for her. Her name is Emilie and she is 10wks pregnant. She found out a few weeks ago that she has a tumor in her abdomen and she has to have it removed. The surgery is tomorrow. Please pray for her, the baby and her husband and son. I cannot imagine how stressful this must be for her.

Here is the link to her blog so you can read the whole story.

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I have read on a few blogs lately about women trying to be happy and content with where they are. But I don't know how to do that, really. I think I'm good at putting on a happy face for the world, but I can't remember the last time I was truly happy with my circumstances. How can I be happy when something that I want so badly I keep losing?

I have to come to a place where I can be content with my life without children. Because at the moment having them looks grim to me. I can no longer afford my RE and my insurance is crap. So I am all alone with my PCOS and my not ovulating. So where does that leave me? Without children, except by the grace of God. I know he can do anything. But after almost three years it is hard for me to think that giving me a child is on the list. I know that I have learned a lot from this journey and grown closer to him, but right now I am tired of learning and growing.

So the bleeding hasn't started yet. I know that some of you have known you were going to m/c and chose to let it happen naturally. I have a lot of respect for you. I have never had to wait and it is killing me. I just want it over. As long as there is no bleeding then there is still hope and my heart doesn't feel like hoping.

I am just so sad right now. I know that this will pass and I will be in higher spririts. But it might be a while. I have an EDD in each of the next three months. Sooooo. I was thinking they would all be easier if I was pg. Especially the one in November. I still haven't decided if we are going home for Thanksgiving or if i will sleep the whole weekend. I guess time will tell.

On a good note I did just buy a Blue October cd. I love that band. I listend to the Ocean song this morning and it expresses a little how i feel. Here are the lyrics I relate to.

I want to swim away but don't know how
Sometimes it feels just like I'm falling in the ocean
Let the waves up take me down
Let the hurricane set in motion... yeah
Let the rain of what I feel right now...come down
Let the rain come down
Let the rain come down

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Chemical pregnancy...

Those are just some not so fancy words for a really early miscarriage. So I went in for my beta and it was 4.78 and anything under 5 is non viable. She wants me to come back in on sunday for another beta, but i hate to spend another $85 for a blood test. Af hasn't shown yet since I was on the progesterone, but I expect the bleeding to start any day now. Life just keeps getting better and better. So almost three years and 4 miscarriages later this is who I am. An infertile who miscarries and no on knows why because all testing comes back normal. Where do i go from here???

Ok now i really don't know what to do with my life. Should I just give up and move on? It seems the odds are stacked against me. I found this little snippet that takes all of my hope away.

If you have had three pregnancies and three miscarriages there is a 60% chance you will miscarry again. If you have had four miscarriages with no live births your chances of a healthy pregnancy drop to 0-5%.

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