God's grace and mercy amazes me daily. He is so good to me even when I am not really paying much attention to Him. I am going to honestly say that I have had a hard time spending time with him or praying since the m/c in april. That paticular m/c rocked my world more than the other two combined. See we (me, josh and my whole church, mom and family) were praying that I would not get pg again until i was going to carry to term. That prayer had been prayed every day for almost a year. So when I got pg I was 100% sure that pg would stick and I would be bringing home a baby in november. Even when we went for the first sono and things didn't look good, I still believed we would have that baby. So, when we went for the 2nd sono and there was no hb my world fell apart more than it ever had.

I think the first two m/c helped to bring me closer to God, but the thrid one just pushed me away. And then a bfn and a chemical pg just added to it. The more pain I had to go through and the more happiness and blessings I saw in my friends lives just made me not believe anymore. I still believed in God, but didn't really believe that He loved me like he did everyone else. That I was doing something wrong and thus being punished. I have had many great people try and speak truth into my life , but it is hard to listen sometimes.

Last weekend when I felt my marriage and my life were crumbling at my feet I was mad at God again. I couldn't believe that he was going to have me walk through something else. Why the heck did he think I was so strong? He knew that forgiveness was hard for me and that was the one thing I had to do to save my marriage. So last saturday my heart was broken for the millionth time and I didn't know how I was going to recover.

On Sunday our pastor talked about forgivness. Mainly about accepting God's forgiveness of us. It was perfect timing of course because there are no coincidences with God. I realized then that I had to forgive josh. And the fact that he wept at my feet and told me over and over how sorry he was made it that much easier.

I am truly amazed at what God has done in our lives over the past 6 days. There is no anger or bitterness between us. We are so much in love and just want to spend time with each other. I have completely forgiven him for this and other things that I felt the need to harbor for the last 9 years. I am free, we are free and I just want to shout it from the rooftops how wonderful God is. It is nothing short of a miracle how things have worked out. There is no way in my humanness that I could have forgiven him. It was all the grace and mercy of God.