I went to wal-mart today. For those in the IF world, WM is not the place to go if you are having a bad day. Women with 5 screaming kids and big pg bellies everywhere. But I had to go and get a prescription. So I took a deep breath and went in. After I got my prescription I went over to the food to get some stuff for dinner. At this walmart they have cleverly placed the baby section right next to the frozen food. From a distance I saw the rack of baby Christmas dresses. The one on the front was a newborn size, so cute and tiny. For some reason I decided to walk over and look at it. And then the thoughts started... I should be buying a newborn Christmas dress for my baby. And then I kept walking in the baby area. All the while wondering why I was torturing myself. I saw the coats and thought I should be buying on of these too. After looking around for a minute I decided I had enough.
As I was walking away I realized I was OK. It was a weird feeling. I wasn't a total mess, trying to fight back the tears. I was OK. My heart was still aching because of what I don't have, but I think after three years of this rollercoaster I am in a new place emotionally. And I think it is a good place. A place where I could see myself being ok with not having kids. A place where I can look at baby stuff and not spend the next day in bed. I guess this is just another part of the journey. And I am sure there will still be times when I will leave in tears, but I think they will be the exception.
In other news Josh and I are seriously looking into adoption. I have thrown the thought around in my head for a while. But I think now is the time to start everything. Of course the biggest issue is money, but there are assistant programs so we are looking into those too. The future is definately uncertain at this moment. But I think i am ok with that.