My life seriously feels like it is spinning out of control at the moment and I really think that blogging more might help with my mental health so here goes.

I spent some of today reading old blog posts...remembering what my life was like pre-kai.  Some of the posts are filled with heartache, anger and saddnesss, but there are others that are filled with so much hope.  I want to find that hope again.  That deep down knowing that everything would work out in the end.  That maybe the road was hard but I could walk through it and be a better person at the end.

I truly feel hopeless in my current situation.  It really just seems that things keep going wrong.  It is going to be so hard to move back into the in-laws house.  A year ago when we moved here I would never have imagined we would still be living there.  I just feel like I have no control over anything.  I am seriously ready for this crappy season to be over.  But as much as I want it to be over I want to have walked it well more.  I want to be able to say that I had hope and that I believed that God was doing something wonderful even if I couldn't see it.  That's what I have to work on.

But while I'm in this valley longing for the mountain tops I will focus on my little miracle.  Kai truly is my reason for waking up everyday and trying to do something productive with my life.  He is my light and my joy.  I am so amazed by him and who he is.  I am thankful everyday I get to spend with him.  I know that walking the road of infertility was so worth because I ended up with such an amazing gift.  I can only hope that the end of this road has something wonderful waiting for me.