When I had my m/c last April the dr was going to send the material off for genetic testing. I knew this meant they would find out the sex of the baby. I told the dr and all the nurses to put it in my chart that I didn't want to know. I didn't think that was information that I could handle.

Over the last year I have thought about that baby many times. For some reason I had always thought it was a boy. Which was weird because I had no idea about the two previous m/c. Well, I got a packet in the mail from my RE with ALL of my history in it. So I started flipping through it not thinking I may read something I didn't want too. And then there it was. The baby was a boy. My son, Josh's son. The one he wants to take to the park and teach to throw a football.

I continued to read about how perfect all his chromosones were and it made me sad. There was no reason that science could find for him not to survive. He should be here with us right now. Knowing his gender makes the loss that more real. My thoughts and dreams for him are no longer generic.

5 pregnancys lost. Five times the egg and the sperm met and created life, and five times that life ended too soon. When I really stop and think about it I cannot fathom how I have survived the last 3 and a half years. How did I continue to press on and try after all that has happened? I know it was only by the grace of God. When November comes and I get to meet this beautiful baby that is growing inside of me I will know that all the pain and heartache was worth it.