A Day in The Life of a Moody Person

I am currently suffering from the worst headache I have had in the last 16 years.  I say 16 years because when I was 15 I was plagued by a never ending headache for over a month.  I went to bed with it every night and it was there waiting for me every morning.  It finally got so bad that I had my boyfriend take me home early one night and I cried to my mother that I couldn't take it anymore.  So we went to the pediatrician who didn't know what it was and referred us to an ENT.  They thought it was a sinus infection so they gave me meds and nothing happend.  After that we went to a neurologist and he did all kinds of weird tests, and cat scans and MRI's all to know avail.  There were no answers for my chronic headaches.  He gave me meds that I took daily to keep the headache at bay and they would work for a few months and then we would change to another one.  This went on for over a year until I finally ran out of options and he just gave me some super pain killers to take as needed.  I realized that headaches would be a part of my life and I learned to manage them and go on with my life.

It wasn't until 7 years ago that a dr. finally figured out the cause of my headaches...TMJ.  I knew I had TMJ because that same year at age 15 I went days without being able to open my mouth.  After that I was left with a popping jaw that I was only able to open so far before the pain set in.  (why no one, including myself, thought the two were connected, I'll never know)  The problem with TMJ is getting insurance to pay for any procedures.  Medical says it's a dental issue and dental says it's a medical issue.  Thus I am still plagued my painful jaw and my chronic headaches.

But this headache is totally different. The pain is in my forehead and behind my eyes.  It hurts to move my eyes from side to side.  Looking at this screen is killing me.  My mom thinks this headache is my bodies way of reacting to the grief, both physical and emotional.  I have not been sleeping well at all, and my brain never shuts off...constantly thinking about what happened and M's poor family.

There was a rosary service on tuesday with an open casket.  It was awful. She didn't look like herself.  I know the funeral home people did the best they could since there was considerable head, face and neck damage done.  Her poor children just stood there looking at her.  I cannot even fathom what it must be like to look down and see your mother lying there.  My heart is just so broken. 

The funeral was yesterday and burial was today.  I didn't go to the burial because it was out of town.  I think my body knew I was done being there for M physically for a while so it took this time for me to feel all that is going on inside of me.  And I can take it.  I'm a big girl who has dealt with more physical and emotional pain than I would ever like.

But this headache better find it's way out the door by 6 tomorrow morning.  I have to go to M's house to get her daughter ready and off to school.  She has to be at the hospital at 6:30 for an MRI for her 3 week old son.  They found out tuesday that he has a mass on his adrenal gland.  As if tragically losing her sister wasn't enough...

I haven't seen M today.  She is with her family.  I am terribly worried about her.  She hadn't been sleeping because of the new baby.  I may force myself over to her house so I can watch him while she sleeps tonight.

Today was my first day of school.  All  my classes are online except one, which incidently I will miss because it is the day of the burial.  I took my first quiz and made a 100 so that's good.  I have been trying to keep myself busy with school and Kai.  But I can only do that for so long and then my mind wanders back to it all. 

I still really can't believe that it is true.  That she is really gone and that her husband took her life.  That 4 kids are left with no mother or father.  That this family will have a huge, gaping hole in it where a wonderful women once was. 

It's just so wrong on so many levels...

A little over 24 hours ago my friends sister was murdered by her own husband, in her garage, while her 4 children slept in the house...

I think that I am still waiting to wake up from this nightmare and be grateful that I was only sleeping and it isn't real.  But it is real and I can't seem to wrap my brain around it.  I am one of those people who knows that bad things happen all the time, and that they have to happen to someone, so I never thought I was immune, but I guess I never really expected it to hit so close to home.

I have known my friend M since I was four years old.  I don't remember much about her sister until M and I were reunited in junior high.  M and I were unseperable, we spent most every waking moment together (unless of course we were fighting, we were preteen girls after all!).

M's sister was about 13 years older than we were, so she was an adult and she was married.  When we were 17 she had her first baby, actually twins.  They went to a resort in Missouri for some conference thing and M and I drove up to babysit the twins for them.  And when we left we took the twins with us back to their house in Oklahoma.  M's sister and her husband returned home a few days later.  It was so much fun watching the babies and we both felt so grown up for being trusted with such a hefty task.

I just love M's family so much.  They are the reason I would like to have 4 kids.  It is just so much fun when they all get together.  I haven't seen M's mom since this happened.  She was busy making arrangments and going to the house to get things for the kids.  M's parents are retired and just sold their house so they currently live in a 1 bedroom apartment.  Not really condusive to raising 4 kids.

I didn't sleep well last night.  Everytime I woke up it was all I could think about.  I know basically what happened and I kept picturing it.  And then I would go back to the last time I saw her.  And what a wonderful, caring, loving person she was.  And how are her children going to survive without their mother?  And how will they ever be able to work through the issue that their father murdered her? 

So many questions, so many "what if's".  But she is gone and now somehow we have to pick up the peices and carry on.  I have to be there for M.  I have to be strong for her as she completely falls apart because she will never see her sister again.  And I have to pray that God will be there in the middle of this tragedy.  That He will comfort this family when they feel like they cannot go on.

My bestie Megan had her adorable little boy on sunday.  I got to be there for the whole thing and see him enter this world.  It seriously was the most amazing thing to watch.  I cried at just how awesome the whole process is.  How God created women to bring life into this world.  Baby and mommy are doing well.  They are going home today and will learn to be a family of 4.

As of 10:00 this morning Josh and I will officially be homeless.  I house is being auctioned on the steps of the courthouse in Arlington.  So if you're bored stop by and let me know how much it goes for!!!  Honestly I am very sad to see the house go like this.  I loved that house.  I hate that no one else loved it like I do.  I am happy that that chapter is finally closing and Josh and I can move on...whatever that means, renting or buying again.  We really need our own space and I am so happy that we can finally seriously start looking.

A blog I read Noah Steven Crowned in Peace recently posted about a friend of theirs who had donated 2/3 of his healthy kidney to his brother.  Unfortunately, Ryan, the brother who donated was not doing well.  Sadly he has passed away, but he is in heaven now with his Lord, so he is ok.  It just must be terribly sad for that family.  And I can't imagine how hard this is for his brother.  Ryan gave the ultimate gift, the gift of life and for that he will always be remembered.  Here is the Caringbridge site if you would like to stay updated on the family.  If you think about them please pray for peace and understanding.

I have been in a huge funk lately.  So much so that I have considered seeing a dr and getting some medication.  There was a short time during my infertility where I took an anti-depressant and I was really feeling like I needed it again.  But I think I am ok now.  It was a combination of the house, moving back in with the in-laws, and some family issues that were going on.  All of which seems to be working out. 

Do you know that God is amazing, wonderful, awesome...He is just soooo good even though I have done nothing to deserve His goodness.  I was at wallyworld the other day and parked next to a car that had a PAIL (pregnancy and infant loss) magnet on it.  I have never seen another one of those ever.  So I felt compelled to write a little note and leave it on the car.  I ran in the store and bought a card, hurrying so they wouldn't leave before me.  I told them I was sorry for their loss and that I would be praying for them and I signed my name.  A few hours later I got a facebook message from a girl asking if I was the one who left the note.  She said how it touched her that I would do that and how thankful she was.  Last night I went to her FB page and noticed that she had a son and that his name was...wait for it...MALACHI!!! Wait it gets better...they call him CHI, which is another way to spell KAI!!  Ok I seriously don't believe in coincidences.  I think everything is ordained by God and that this is just super crazy and cool.  She and her husband are also high school sweethearts and they had 3 miscarriages.  Their son is adopted and very adorable.  I am so thankful that God wove our lifes together.

Kristina asked me a question on my last post about finding a dr that is ok with not vaccinating.  My answer is that that is hard to do. They are very few and far between.  My dr in arlington was awesome.  He had no problem with me not vaccinating.  I was a little hesitant moving to a smaller town which is a little behind when it comes to things natural.  But thankfully Kai has been super healthy so we have not even found a pediatrician.  I don't take him for well-baby visits because I find it unnecessary.  I think they are mainly for shots so I dont see the purpose.  I know that he is developing normally and his height and weight are perfect. So Kristina I can't really answer your question, but just remember that you are the mother and you have the right to decide what you want to do for your child.  If your dr doesn't agree then find another one.  Good luck!!

I have written on here in the past about vaccines and my decision to not vaccinate my son.  I have found new resources that I wanted to share.  But first I want to say that I don't judge anyone for vaccinating their child.  My hope is that every parent would take the time to research and make the right decision for their family.  What I do judge is when parents just blindly trust their doctors and their government.  There is so much info out there, good and bad, about vaccines, just take the time inform yourself.

There recently was a big vaccine debate on circle of moms on FB.  Reading through the posts I realized that talking about vaccines is like talking about politics and religion.  No one really wants to hear what the other side has to say.  They just want to spout their opinions, factual or not, and then move on with their lives.  It saddens me to read some of the extrememly rude and ignorant comments from both sides.  The root issue is that everyone should focus on is doing what is best for their children.  We all have a right to our opinions.

I found this website ThinkTwice that has a lot of good information.  And the book Raising a Vaccine Free Child by Wendy Lydall.  So now go forth and be informed!!

My life seriously feels like it is spinning out of control at the moment and I really think that blogging more might help with my mental health so here goes.

I spent some of today reading old blog posts...remembering what my life was like pre-kai.  Some of the posts are filled with heartache, anger and saddnesss, but there are others that are filled with so much hope.  I want to find that hope again.  That deep down knowing that everything would work out in the end.  That maybe the road was hard but I could walk through it and be a better person at the end.

I truly feel hopeless in my current situation.  It really just seems that things keep going wrong.  It is going to be so hard to move back into the in-laws house.  A year ago when we moved here I would never have imagined we would still be living there.  I just feel like I have no control over anything.  I am seriously ready for this crappy season to be over.  But as much as I want it to be over I want to have walked it well more.  I want to be able to say that I had hope and that I believed that God was doing something wonderful even if I couldn't see it.  That's what I have to work on.

But while I'm in this valley longing for the mountain tops I will focus on my little miracle.  Kai truly is my reason for waking up everyday and trying to do something productive with my life.  He is my light and my joy.  I am so amazed by him and who he is.  I am thankful everyday I get to spend with him.  I know that walking the road of infertility was so worth because I ended up with such an amazing gift.  I can only hope that the end of this road has something wonderful waiting for me.

Josh and my little borther are currently on their way to Arlington.  Our house is being auctioned off on Aug 3 and they are gonna get the last few things out of the house.  I decided I shouldn't go.  I think it would have been way too emotional for me.  I truly love that house and I hate that it has to end this way.  But such as life, at least we will not keep making a payment on a house we don't live in.
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Our time of housesitting is coming to a quick end.  I am sad to have to move back in with the in-laws.  It is just so nice having our own space.  And this house is great.  There is so much room for kai to run around or ride his bike.  We are currently looking for our own place to live.  We are looking at rent houses, but also at buying another house.  I really don't want to buy another house that we will have to sell some time in the future.  I am just ready to be in the house I am going to raise my children in.  So we are praying that we can find a piece of land that has a house on it.  Then when the finances are right we can build our own house on the land.

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I am all signed up and ready for school.  I will be taking 12 hours and I got a grant to pay for it!! WOOHOO!  I am taking history, economics, speech and accounting.  All of them are internet classes except for speech which is a night class.  I am super excited and extrememly nervous all at the same time.  It has been 12 years since I have been in school.  I'm afraid I have already forgotten everything.  My degree will take 4 years if I take 15-16 hours a semester.  I really don't think I can take that many hours, but I also don't want to be in school for 7 years.  So I'm gonna see how this first semester goes and maybe take more next time. 

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Kai is doing fabulous.  He is getting so big and he is talking like crazy.  Adding at least one word a day if not more.  He knows what most farm animals say and what a lion says.  He knows all the body parts.  It just amazes me how much he comprehends at such a young age.  He is just a smart little cookie!!  I cannot believe that in 4 short months he will be two!!  Where has the time gone?  They really do grow up way too fast.
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Babies, babies all around.  My friend Misty just had a little girl on July 4th.  I can't wait until my next trip to arlington so I can see her.  My bestie Megan will be having "baby boy no name" Aug 1, if not before.  Her dr is going to induce her that day and I get to be there.  I am so excited.  Also, when she goes back to work I get to watch the cutie pie.  I think it is gonna be good for me and kai to have a little baby around the house.  Kai can get used to being a big brother and I can get my baby fix until I get to have another one!!  And then my SIL Sarah is having my neice in November!!!  She is due on the 8th which is a day after Kai was due and is the date of my grandmother's birthday, plus two days before my bday.  I'm secretly hoping she has her on her own day, like the 11th or after, just not the 17th, that's Kai's day!!!!  I am so happy she is having a girl.  I have already bought her some things I need to get in the mail.  Oh and her name is gonna be Copper!!  I think it is terribly adoralbe.