I have read on a few blogs lately about women trying to be happy and content with where they are. But I don't know how to do that, really. I think I'm good at putting on a happy face for the world, but I can't remember the last time I was truly happy with my circumstances. How can I be happy when something that I want so badly I keep losing?

I have to come to a place where I can be content with my life without children. Because at the moment having them looks grim to me. I can no longer afford my RE and my insurance is crap. So I am all alone with my PCOS and my not ovulating. So where does that leave me? Without children, except by the grace of God. I know he can do anything. But after almost three years it is hard for me to think that giving me a child is on the list. I know that I have learned a lot from this journey and grown closer to him, but right now I am tired of learning and growing.

So the bleeding hasn't started yet. I know that some of you have known you were going to m/c and chose to let it happen naturally. I have a lot of respect for you. I have never had to wait and it is killing me. I just want it over. As long as there is no bleeding then there is still hope and my heart doesn't feel like hoping.

I am just so sad right now. I know that this will pass and I will be in higher spririts. But it might be a while. I have an EDD in each of the next three months. Sooooo. I was thinking they would all be easier if I was pg. Especially the one in November. I still haven't decided if we are going home for Thanksgiving or if i will sleep the whole weekend. I guess time will tell.

On a good note I did just buy a Blue October cd. I love that band. I listend to the Ocean song this morning and it expresses a little how i feel. Here are the lyrics I relate to.

I want to swim away but don't know how
Sometimes it feels just like I'm falling in the ocean
Let the waves up take me down
Let the hurricane set in motion... yeah
Let the rain of what I feel right now...come down
Let the rain come down
Let the rain come down