Today 10/12 is a due date anniversary for me. I also had one on 9/18 and will have another on 11/23. Today I remember my October baby. The one that was with me the shortest amount of time. The wounds are not as raw as they have been in the past. I am sure that is due to time and the anticipation of Kai's arrival. But they are still precious dates to me.

If you know a woman who has lost a baby, no matter how long ago it was, love on her this month. It is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. We remember our babies everyday of every month, but it is still nice to have a specific month to share those memories with everyone else.

Wednesday 10/15 is PAIL awarness day. I will be wearing my blue and pink ribbon. And then at 7:00 pm I will be lighting 5 little candles and letting them burn for at least an hour. Please join me in lighting candles for your babies or the babies of your friends and family. There will be a wave of light around the world.

Since starting this cycle I have been focused only on it. When I will start injections, when will we do the IUI, when will I have my beta? These are the things I'm thinking about. And I have to say that I feel much happier right now than I have been in a long time. I have hope and that just seems to make the world better.

But today I realized something. I completely forgot the anniversary of my 2nd loss. I was so busy with the IUI's on the 13th and 14th that I didn't even think about. It wasn't until today when a friend mentioned it that I remembered. I can't decide if this is a good thing or not. Is it good that I am moving on and going on with my life and thus forgetting very important dates? I kinda feel bad about forgetting. Kinda like that baby isn't as important as this baby I am trying to conceive right now. I will say I don't like any of these thoughts at all. This is a hard place to be in. Trying for a baby while trying to remember the ones lost.

For me all of my lost babies are very important. They all have a special place in my heart. And I have always said to myself that even when I do have children I will still remember them and celebrate their short lives. They will always be a part of me. But as years pass will anniversary dates come and go and I won't even notice, especially if I have other children to keep me busy?

The next few months are gonna be hard. I have two more m/c anniversaries. One in march and one in april. I know that they will be even harder if this cycle doesn't work, or worse if it does work and I lose yet another baby. It will be three years this march since I lost my first little angel. March 2nd, one of the very worst days of my life. I can remember it like it was yesterday. Last year march 2nd was redeemed a little because my friend Megan had her baby on that day and we conceived on that day too, but we all know how that turned out. So the day is tainted even more now.

It would just all be so much easier if this cycle worked and we brought home a baby, or babies in november. That is what I am praying for. That this season of suffering is over and we can walk out of the valley and onto the moutain. I am ready for the view from the mountain.