Today almost came and went without me realizing what day it really was. It was three years ago today that Josh and I started this journey to have a baby. I remember waking up in the morning and realizing that af had arrived. I ran to my computer to figure out how long my cycle was and when I could expect ovulation and for af to arrive again. We were planning to start ttc in january. But by my calculations I would be ovulating in late December, which we decided was close enough to january.

I laugh at how niave I was then. I had no idea that my cycles were really off. I had never paid much attention to their length or felt the need to calculate how long they were. It is only by the grace of God that af arrived that day and that I did in fact ovulate in late december and ended up pregnant.

These last few years have been... something, i don't know if there really is a word that can describe them. They have been the worst years of my life in so many ways. But they have also had good parts. I am so thankful for those 4 precious babies. I treasure every moment that I spent with each of them. I am thankful for the friends that I have made in the midst of my tragedy and suffering. I am thankful for all that I have learned about myself, emotionally and physically. For knowing that I am strong enough to make it through.

I wish I could somehow change things. That I could have spent these last three years watching my child grow up instead of experiencing so much pain and sorrow. That I could continue to be naive about ttc and pregnancy and pregnancy loss, and all the stuff that goes along with it. But I cannot change those things. I have experienced so much in the last three years. Those experiences have molded me into the person that I am today.

I do pray that on this day next year I will be pregnant or holding my baby in my arms. I think 3 years is long enough!!!! I am looking forward to 2008 and all the blessings it will bring.

In just a few days I will have been ttc for three years. I cannot believe that it has been three years. It seems like time has flown by, but also stood still.

For some reason today my mind has been thinking about that first little baby that was conceived almost three years ago. I am remembering all the dates; af arrived 12/11, conceived 12/26, positive hpt 1/10, no more m/s 2/20, dr appt where we found out baby had died 3/2, D&C 3/4.

I seriously couldn't believe that we got pg on our first try. I just knew it was going to take awhile since my cycles were never normal. I remember begging Josh to let me take the test early. We had set a date to test, but of course being the future poasaholic that I was I wanted to test early. I just knew that it was going to be positive and I wanted to know sooner. So he gave in and let me take it. We were both so happy. Josh's birthday was in two days and this was the best gift ever. We had some friends over for his birthday, and josh announced it to them by saying "all Rian got me was a stick with two pink lines!!!" Everyone was so excited for us.

I wonder as time continues to go on if these memories will leave me slowly. Or if they are so much a part of who I am now that I will remember all of the details forever. I hope that I do. These memories, and even the bad ones too, are all that I have left of that precious little life that I carried for 12 weeks. That life that meant so much to me and forever will.