So... I really need to start blogging more. It is such a good outlet for me, and right now I seem to just be bottling everything up inside.



There were many times in the last 3+ years where life sucked and I really had to focus on all the good that I had then. I mean in the big scheme of things life was really good. I had a great dh, a house, car, good job, friends, family, pets. I still have all of those things and now I also have the thing I have desired most. Or at least I am close to having it.



The whole car wreck thing is not turning out as we had hoped. It seems the witness was a friend of the other lady and they both said Josh had a red light. Which means our ins has to pay for everything, which in the end means they will take the hail damage money out of the total they pay us for the car. That was the money we were going to use to buy the next car. Also, Josh's cell phone got broken in the wreck and now we get to buy him a new $300 phone.



So once again I am trying to focus on the good. The fact that I am almost 16wks pg. That my husband is fine after that awful wreck. And that I know somehow this will all work out in the end. God always provides, even if it isn't in the way I would have wanted.



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In more happy news, I bought some maternity clothes. I needed to buy a swimsuit because I think I am going to spending a lot of time in the pool considering it is only may and we have already hit the mid 90's. I picked a suit from old na.vy because it was cheap. I'm not going to spend $80-100 on something I will only wear for 3 months. So while I was at ON I also got some shorts and capris!! I have a friend that gave me all of her maternity clothes so I have lots of tops but not many bottoms. I ordered these online, so I'm anxiously awaiting their arrival!!



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I think I forgot to update you all on my last ob appt. Well the dr did a sono and was concerned about fluid level again so she sent me to a specialist because he has a big $250,000 u/s machine. I was a little nervous as I waited at his office. He did the scan and said all was well. Baby measured great and the fluid level was where it should be. So that was wonderful to hear. I see the ob again in 3wks and him and 3wks, which means I will get two anatomy scans!!! So I'm gonna put a poll up on the side of the blog and see what people think as far as gender goes!!



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We had dinner with my dad and his wife this weekend. I hadn't seen him since he came to the hospital the day after my surgery. We had a really nice time. Of course I had presents. His wife always brings me something (usually a purse), she is jus the sweetest thing. Anywho, she did indeed get me another purse. But there was also something else. I unwrapped it to find a box that said Friedma.n's Jewel.ers on it. I opended it and there was the most beautiful diamond cross necklace. I was speechless. Stephanie said my dad had picked it out himself and it was my mother's day present. There are not even words to express how much that means to me. I really think that this baby is going to make our relationship so much better.



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I am looking forward to Memorial day. I always enjoy a 3 day weekend and Josh and I will be celebrating our 9th anniversary (which is the 29th). We have already bought our present because we are such impatient people. We got Rock.band for our X.box and it is so much fun. He plays drums and I play guitar. We started a band and we are on tour!!!! I know we are such nerds! It's good though that we enjoy the same kinds of things and we can play together!! Next game purchase will be the new mar.io kar.t for the W.ii!!!!

God's grace and mercy amazes me daily. He is so good to me even when I am not really paying much attention to Him. I am going to honestly say that I have had a hard time spending time with him or praying since the m/c in april. That paticular m/c rocked my world more than the other two combined. See we (me, josh and my whole church, mom and family) were praying that I would not get pg again until i was going to carry to term. That prayer had been prayed every day for almost a year. So when I got pg I was 100% sure that pg would stick and I would be bringing home a baby in november. Even when we went for the first sono and things didn't look good, I still believed we would have that baby. So, when we went for the 2nd sono and there was no hb my world fell apart more than it ever had.

I think the first two m/c helped to bring me closer to God, but the thrid one just pushed me away. And then a bfn and a chemical pg just added to it. The more pain I had to go through and the more happiness and blessings I saw in my friends lives just made me not believe anymore. I still believed in God, but didn't really believe that He loved me like he did everyone else. That I was doing something wrong and thus being punished. I have had many great people try and speak truth into my life , but it is hard to listen sometimes.

Last weekend when I felt my marriage and my life were crumbling at my feet I was mad at God again. I couldn't believe that he was going to have me walk through something else. Why the heck did he think I was so strong? He knew that forgiveness was hard for me and that was the one thing I had to do to save my marriage. So last saturday my heart was broken for the millionth time and I didn't know how I was going to recover.

On Sunday our pastor talked about forgivness. Mainly about accepting God's forgiveness of us. It was perfect timing of course because there are no coincidences with God. I realized then that I had to forgive josh. And the fact that he wept at my feet and told me over and over how sorry he was made it that much easier.

I am truly amazed at what God has done in our lives over the past 6 days. There is no anger or bitterness between us. We are so much in love and just want to spend time with each other. I have completely forgiven him for this and other things that I felt the need to harbor for the last 9 years. I am free, we are free and I just want to shout it from the rooftops how wonderful God is. It is nothing short of a miracle how things have worked out. There is no way in my humanness that I could have forgiven him. It was all the grace and mercy of God.

I met with Greg today and as always I leave feeling so much better and enlightened.

Of course we talked about suffering. The best part is that all Greg does and tell me the truth about God. It always helps. It's one of those things that I know but I just needed someone to remind me when times are hard. We went over his paper he wrote on "Prayer and Suffering". I'm going to give a short version of it here.

Why does God allow us to suffer? Doesn't He love us and hasn't He forgiven us

• God does love us and he has forgiven our sins. It is because he loves us that he wants us to learn perseverance, develop character and receive hope. And these things grow out of suffering. "Therefore since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance , character; and character hope." Romans 5:1-4

This is so true. When you think of people who have great character you see that their lives were not easy. People that spent time in concentration camps, or prisoners of war, or debilitating disease. These people have character. I want to have character. I want people to see something different in me. I want my suffering to produce perseverance, charcter and definately hope.

• Intimacy with Jesus. "I want to know Christ and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in His sufferings." Phillipians 3:10

My deepest desire is intimacy with Jesus. From the very first m/c i was desperate to have my suffering point me to Jesus and for our relationship to grow. I believe that it has. God knows that my biggest issue is trust and I believe that he is using this suffering to teach me to be vulnerable to him. To break down my walls and give it all to Him. I think that I have been doing this albeit slowly for the last couple years. With each new suffering i realize more and more how much I need him.

• God gives us the opportunity to suffer well and thus demonstarte His worth, which is what it means to glorify Him. Loving and honoring God through suffering is the ultimate testimony. "Though the fig tree does not blossom, and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet will I rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior" Habakkuk #17-18

I want to suffer well. I want to glorify God through my suffering. I have known three cancer patients that glorified God through their battles. Regardless of the test results, or the pain or all the pills they had to take, or surgeries, or the parts of their bodies that we stolen by the cancer, they always pointed towards God. They all knew he had the power to heal him if he chose. But believed that he was still good and loving if he didn't. Two of them lost their battle and they are an inspiration to me everyday of how I need to suffer well. I want my pain and sorrow to point others heavenly. I want them to see my hope and wonder what makes me different. The one cancer survivor continues to glorify God through her life and her testimony.

• The Christian life is a holy warfare with the invisible legions of Satan. Because the battle is real so is the struggle and suffering. But in the end we will count our sufferings unworthy to be compared to the glory that results. "I consider that our present sufferings are not worth the glory that will be revealed in us." Romans 8:18

I know that God's glory will come out of my suffering. That he works all things for good. And isn't that what my life is supposed to be about, glorifying God. I may not be able to see all of the glory that comes from my suffering. But I believe that it will happen, and I can't wait to here about it all in heaven.

I feel so much peace and hope right now. I know that God loves me and that He is a good God regardless of what I go through. I don't know what my future holds but I know that He will be with me every step of the way.

I am tired of the rollercoaster that is my life. It is no fun and I want to get off the ride right now.

I think that I have been doing pretty good emotionally for the last 5 weeks. I think I worked through my anger towards God, but just wasn't really in the mood to talk to him. Which I know wasn't good.

Well for mother's day josh bought me a beautiful orchid that had a butterfly chrysallis with it. I was so excited. It came with a card that said "Due date May 15" I couldn't wait for this beautiful life to emerge. To watch it break through it's cocoon and get the strength to fly away and start it's life. So when I woke up yesterday morning the cocoon was black. The directions said that once it was black it would hatch within the next 24 hours and it would take 8 hours for it to get out and it's wings to harden. Well, i went back and forth yesterday about whether i should bring it with me to work or not, since i didn't want to miss it, but decided not to because i figured i would be home in time to see most of it happen. Well, you guessed it, i got home yesterday and it was gone. The cocoon was empty and the butterfly was no where to be seen. My fear is that it fell on the floor and one of the cats ate it.

My first emotion that came from this was sadness and then it quickly changed to anger. I was (and kinda still am) angry at God because he didn't even let me have that moment to see the butterfly emerge. Why couldn't i have that? Josh gave me that for mother's day and i was so excited. I would just sit there and stare at the cocoon thinking how neat the whole experience was going to be. And just like the three babies it was stolen from me. Why can't he cut me a break? I mean seriously, why do i have to continue to feel like I am being punished? Why does he think that taking things from me will make me draw closer to him? It doesn't seem to be working. And maybe that is because I'm not as strong a christian as I should be by this point. But I am tired. I am tired of my dreams being stolen and my heart being crushed. I didn't think i could make it through a third m/c but i had too. How much more pain and suffering does he have for me? How much more must I endure to have this dream that my heart aches for? I am tired and I don't want to do this anymore.

Dr's appt yesterday didn't go as smoothly as planned. Baby measured right on target but we couldn't hear the heartbeat and could just barely see it. Dr was concerned because it should be over 100bpm. So we are going back on friday for another sono. We know that God is in control and can do anything so we are trusting him that our baby is just fine. Of course many of our friends are praying for us and the baby and we are so thankful for all those prayers. And we know that God hears them and he knows the desire of our hearts. We have worked long and hard to get this baby and I feel in the deepest parts of my soul that he/she will be coming home with us in November. So continue praying and we will update as soon as we know anything.