I am tired of the rollercoaster that is my life. It is no fun and I want to get off the ride right now.

I think that I have been doing pretty good emotionally for the last 5 weeks. I think I worked through my anger towards God, but just wasn't really in the mood to talk to him. Which I know wasn't good.

Well for mother's day josh bought me a beautiful orchid that had a butterfly chrysallis with it. I was so excited. It came with a card that said "Due date May 15" I couldn't wait for this beautiful life to emerge. To watch it break through it's cocoon and get the strength to fly away and start it's life. So when I woke up yesterday morning the cocoon was black. The directions said that once it was black it would hatch within the next 24 hours and it would take 8 hours for it to get out and it's wings to harden. Well, i went back and forth yesterday about whether i should bring it with me to work or not, since i didn't want to miss it, but decided not to because i figured i would be home in time to see most of it happen. Well, you guessed it, i got home yesterday and it was gone. The cocoon was empty and the butterfly was no where to be seen. My fear is that it fell on the floor and one of the cats ate it.

My first emotion that came from this was sadness and then it quickly changed to anger. I was (and kinda still am) angry at God because he didn't even let me have that moment to see the butterfly emerge. Why couldn't i have that? Josh gave me that for mother's day and i was so excited. I would just sit there and stare at the cocoon thinking how neat the whole experience was going to be. And just like the three babies it was stolen from me. Why can't he cut me a break? I mean seriously, why do i have to continue to feel like I am being punished? Why does he think that taking things from me will make me draw closer to him? It doesn't seem to be working. And maybe that is because I'm not as strong a christian as I should be by this point. But I am tired. I am tired of my dreams being stolen and my heart being crushed. I didn't think i could make it through a third m/c but i had too. How much more pain and suffering does he have for me? How much more must I endure to have this dream that my heart aches for? I am tired and I don't want to do this anymore.