It seems with each passing anniversary it gets easier. It is still not a fun day. But the freshness of the wound is no longer there. This is the third time I have had to celebrate this anniversary and this is just the beginning. I think I will always remember this day and what could have been.

This is the due date of my very first little baby. I can still remember the day that we conceived. I knew that we had because it was the only time in my life up until then that I had felt ovulation pain. I had always feared that it would take a long time for me to get pg with all my cycle issues (boy was I right!!) but we got pg on that very first cycle. And I was so happy and overjoyed. Seeing those two pink lines was one of the happiest days of my life.

I had friends who had m/c so I was a little cautious. But I think I still believed it wouldn't happen to me. Because of insurance I wasn't able to see the dr until 12wks. I think that was a blessing and a curse. I was never able to see a heartbeat which was there until 10.5wks. Sometimes I am so happy that I never saw it and then at other times I am sad. It would be nice to have had one nice sono in these last 3 years.

So here I sit thinking how incredibly different my life would be with a 2 year old running around. So many dreams lost. I have heard a lot of women say that even though they are not happy that they m/c, when they do go on to have a baby they know that m/c baby was sacrificed so they could have the other. Does that make sense?? Anyways, that would not be the case for me. I have been pg four times, but three of those could have really happened. I could have a 2, 1 and soon to be born baby. I know it would be hard but hey I would do it. So it seems all of mine have died in vain. They didn't leave to make room for another, because all the others left too.

It looks like ttc will be put on hold until the beginning of the year. Even if I get the money, I think we will wait because of the holidays and such. It will be interesing to see if my pattern holds. I have gotten pg in jan, feb and march. Maybe april will be my lucky month.

I am still praying for that 1 in a million chance...