Today 10/12 is a due date anniversary for me. I also had one on 9/18 and will have another on 11/23. Today I remember my October baby. The one that was with me the shortest amount of time. The wounds are not as raw as they have been in the past. I am sure that is due to time and the anticipation of Kai's arrival. But they are still precious dates to me.

If you know a woman who has lost a baby, no matter how long ago it was, love on her this month. It is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. We remember our babies everyday of every month, but it is still nice to have a specific month to share those memories with everyone else.

Wednesday 10/15 is PAIL awarness day. I will be wearing my blue and pink ribbon. And then at 7:00 pm I will be lighting 5 little candles and letting them burn for at least an hour. Please join me in lighting candles for your babies or the babies of your friends and family. There will be a wave of light around the world.

It seems with each passing anniversary it gets easier. It is still not a fun day. But the freshness of the wound is no longer there. This is the third time I have had to celebrate this anniversary and this is just the beginning. I think I will always remember this day and what could have been.

This is the due date of my very first little baby. I can still remember the day that we conceived. I knew that we had because it was the only time in my life up until then that I had felt ovulation pain. I had always feared that it would take a long time for me to get pg with all my cycle issues (boy was I right!!) but we got pg on that very first cycle. And I was so happy and overjoyed. Seeing those two pink lines was one of the happiest days of my life.

I had friends who had m/c so I was a little cautious. But I think I still believed it wouldn't happen to me. Because of insurance I wasn't able to see the dr until 12wks. I think that was a blessing and a curse. I was never able to see a heartbeat which was there until 10.5wks. Sometimes I am so happy that I never saw it and then at other times I am sad. It would be nice to have had one nice sono in these last 3 years.

So here I sit thinking how incredibly different my life would be with a 2 year old running around. So many dreams lost. I have heard a lot of women say that even though they are not happy that they m/c, when they do go on to have a baby they know that m/c baby was sacrificed so they could have the other. Does that make sense?? Anyways, that would not be the case for me. I have been pg four times, but three of those could have really happened. I could have a 2, 1 and soon to be born baby. I know it would be hard but hey I would do it. So it seems all of mine have died in vain. They didn't leave to make room for another, because all the others left too.

It looks like ttc will be put on hold until the beginning of the year. Even if I get the money, I think we will wait because of the holidays and such. It will be interesing to see if my pattern holds. I have gotten pg in jan, feb and march. Maybe april will be my lucky month.

I am still praying for that 1 in a million chance...

For some reason I find great joy in torturing myself. I do it by watching the Kellie Coffey video over and over and crying my eyes out. I do it by not cancelling my weekly emails from some baby site that is telling me what should be going on with my pregnancy. I do it by looking at the November pg club on my forum and realizing they just got moved to the third trimester.

24 weeks. That is where I should be right now. I should know the sex of my baby and feel him/her move around. I should be registering and painting my nursery. Figuring out where we are going to put the computer and the filing cabinet. Frantically sewing all the winnie the pooh fabric I have sitting in my closet. Making final decisions about names. Planning when my showers would be. Seperating and washing the boxes of baby clothes I have already been given by friends. Picking which birthing classes I want to take.

But I'm not. Instead I'm gearing up for another cycle. for more sonograms and clomid. Trying to decide if I want to spend the extra $350 for IUI or try it natural one more time. Using the monitor. Taking OPK's. Hoping I have enough strength to not take an HPT. And praying that my beta will come back positive and baby will be sticky.

This whole IF rollercoaster really gets me sometimes. I have been doing really well since my negative beta last tuesday, but today it all hit me. 31 months of blood, sweat and tears to try and have a baby. Thousands of dollars spent on meds, sonos, dr visits, gas to get to the dr, opks, hpts, preseed, monitor sticks, blood tests, d&c's, surgeries. And I don't feel any closer today to having my dream come true than I did 31 months ago.

I know the day will come when I will look back and know it was all worth it. My brain and heart know it is all worth it right now. I would do most anything if it meant bringing home a living child. But right now my heart is sad. Sad about what could have been three different times. Sad that I am not planning a two year old party, a one year old party, or gearing up for birth. Sad that so many dreams have been lost. So many tears and smiles never seen. So many opportunities gone...