For some reason I find great joy in torturing myself. I do it by watching the Kellie Coffey video over and over and crying my eyes out. I do it by not cancelling my weekly emails from some baby site that is telling me what should be going on with my pregnancy. I do it by looking at the November pg club on my forum and realizing they just got moved to the third trimester.

24 weeks. That is where I should be right now. I should know the sex of my baby and feel him/her move around. I should be registering and painting my nursery. Figuring out where we are going to put the computer and the filing cabinet. Frantically sewing all the winnie the pooh fabric I have sitting in my closet. Making final decisions about names. Planning when my showers would be. Seperating and washing the boxes of baby clothes I have already been given by friends. Picking which birthing classes I want to take.

But I'm not. Instead I'm gearing up for another cycle. for more sonograms and clomid. Trying to decide if I want to spend the extra $350 for IUI or try it natural one more time. Using the monitor. Taking OPK's. Hoping I have enough strength to not take an HPT. And praying that my beta will come back positive and baby will be sticky.

This whole IF rollercoaster really gets me sometimes. I have been doing really well since my negative beta last tuesday, but today it all hit me. 31 months of blood, sweat and tears to try and have a baby. Thousands of dollars spent on meds, sonos, dr visits, gas to get to the dr, opks, hpts, preseed, monitor sticks, blood tests, d&c's, surgeries. And I don't feel any closer today to having my dream come true than I did 31 months ago.

I know the day will come when I will look back and know it was all worth it. My brain and heart know it is all worth it right now. I would do most anything if it meant bringing home a living child. But right now my heart is sad. Sad about what could have been three different times. Sad that I am not planning a two year old party, a one year old party, or gearing up for birth. Sad that so many dreams have been lost. So many tears and smiles never seen. So many opportunities gone...