Josh and I were having a conversation last night about church and mother's day and such and I realized that i feel very alone. That there is no one out there who understands where i am and what i am feeling. I have friends who have had one or more m/c, but they all have kids now. I have one friend who had IF with her first but got pg naturally with the other two. I have a whole forum of friends who have had IF and/or m/c. But all of our stories are different. No one knows my exact pain. My pain with IF and m/c and that the lives of everyone else around me keep moving forward and mine feels like it has stopped.

Mother's day is right around the corner and i just want to hide in a hole somewhere. I am tired of the all the cute commercials. I am sad that all of my friends who are married have children. That there have been 8 children born in my church since i first started TTC. And that i am the only married women at my church of reproductive age that doesn't have children. that i don't feel any closer to bringing a baby home today than i was after my first m/c. I feel like no progress has been made. I am still IF and if i do by the grace of God get pg who knows how long it will last.

Four weeks ago i was looking forward to mother's day. It would be the first one that i would actually be pg during, instead of losing a baby months prior. but that didn't happen. It is the same story as the last two years. I actually think it is funny that for the last three years I have gotten pg in Jan, Feb, Mar and m/c in Feb, Mar, April and my due dates were Sept, Oct, Nov. So 6 out of 12 months have now become sad. Throw in May for mother's day and that makes 7.

I really was doing well up until this week. I think the reality of another Mother's day without a baby here or in the womb has hit me like a ton of bricks. The reality that my life is so much different of all the people around me has slapped me in the face. I am just ready for it to be next monday so that I can move on and work myself up for father's day, which by the way always makes me feel like a failure. but that's a post for another day.