The dr called and said the results of the genetic testing were in. So I went and saw her and she said the results came back negative. So josh and i seem to be clear in the genetics department. Which is definately a good thing, but it still leaves a lot of unanswered questions, like why has this happened three times???? We did a sonogram and uterus looks nice and empty.

So where do we go from here you ask. Well let me tell you what the game plan is. She wants us to wait one more cycle before trying again. She put me on BC pills. Which i thought was ingenius, i figured i would just have to wait for it show up. but she says I should start in 21day. It's kinda weird since I haven't been on bc for 4 years now and with my situation I never figured I would take it again.

In the meantime I am going to do two more blood tests. One is a lupus panel and the other is for antiphospholipid antibodies, which is a clotting disorder. I am also going to do a saline sonogram, which is where she fills the uterus with saline so she can see if there are any defects. Sounds like fun huh??? So I will get those done and hopefully by June 18thish we will be back in the game. I don't know exactly what she is wanting to do for next cycle. I guess we will talk about that at my next appointment.

So it's nice to have a game plan. To actually feel like im moving forward. And to think that in two months I might be pregnant again. That gives me so much hope.

I met with Greg today and as always I leave feeling so much better and enlightened.

Of course we talked about suffering. The best part is that all Greg does and tell me the truth about God. It always helps. It's one of those things that I know but I just needed someone to remind me when times are hard. We went over his paper he wrote on "Prayer and Suffering". I'm going to give a short version of it here.

Why does God allow us to suffer? Doesn't He love us and hasn't He forgiven us

• God does love us and he has forgiven our sins. It is because he loves us that he wants us to learn perseverance, develop character and receive hope. And these things grow out of suffering. "Therefore since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance , character; and character hope." Romans 5:1-4

This is so true. When you think of people who have great character you see that their lives were not easy. People that spent time in concentration camps, or prisoners of war, or debilitating disease. These people have character. I want to have character. I want people to see something different in me. I want my suffering to produce perseverance, charcter and definately hope.

• Intimacy with Jesus. "I want to know Christ and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in His sufferings." Phillipians 3:10

My deepest desire is intimacy with Jesus. From the very first m/c i was desperate to have my suffering point me to Jesus and for our relationship to grow. I believe that it has. God knows that my biggest issue is trust and I believe that he is using this suffering to teach me to be vulnerable to him. To break down my walls and give it all to Him. I think that I have been doing this albeit slowly for the last couple years. With each new suffering i realize more and more how much I need him.

• God gives us the opportunity to suffer well and thus demonstarte His worth, which is what it means to glorify Him. Loving and honoring God through suffering is the ultimate testimony. "Though the fig tree does not blossom, and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet will I rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior" Habakkuk #17-18

I want to suffer well. I want to glorify God through my suffering. I have known three cancer patients that glorified God through their battles. Regardless of the test results, or the pain or all the pills they had to take, or surgeries, or the parts of their bodies that we stolen by the cancer, they always pointed towards God. They all knew he had the power to heal him if he chose. But believed that he was still good and loving if he didn't. Two of them lost their battle and they are an inspiration to me everyday of how I need to suffer well. I want my pain and sorrow to point others heavenly. I want them to see my hope and wonder what makes me different. The one cancer survivor continues to glorify God through her life and her testimony.

• The Christian life is a holy warfare with the invisible legions of Satan. Because the battle is real so is the struggle and suffering. But in the end we will count our sufferings unworthy to be compared to the glory that results. "I consider that our present sufferings are not worth the glory that will be revealed in us." Romans 8:18

I know that God's glory will come out of my suffering. That he works all things for good. And isn't that what my life is supposed to be about, glorifying God. I may not be able to see all of the glory that comes from my suffering. But I believe that it will happen, and I can't wait to here about it all in heaven.

I feel so much peace and hope right now. I know that God loves me and that He is a good God regardless of what I go through. I don't know what my future holds but I know that He will be with me every step of the way.

My fears were confirmed today while vacuuming. I found butterfly wings on the floor. I sucked them up and threw them away. Sometimes i feel like that is what has happened to my dreams.

I have meeting scheduled with Greg for wednesday. Hopefully, i will be in a better place after that.

Sharee, thank you for your kind words. It is always a good reminder for me that satan is to blame and not God. Your strength and faith amaze me.

I am tired of the rollercoaster that is my life. It is no fun and I want to get off the ride right now.

I think that I have been doing pretty good emotionally for the last 5 weeks. I think I worked through my anger towards God, but just wasn't really in the mood to talk to him. Which I know wasn't good.

Well for mother's day josh bought me a beautiful orchid that had a butterfly chrysallis with it. I was so excited. It came with a card that said "Due date May 15" I couldn't wait for this beautiful life to emerge. To watch it break through it's cocoon and get the strength to fly away and start it's life. So when I woke up yesterday morning the cocoon was black. The directions said that once it was black it would hatch within the next 24 hours and it would take 8 hours for it to get out and it's wings to harden. Well, i went back and forth yesterday about whether i should bring it with me to work or not, since i didn't want to miss it, but decided not to because i figured i would be home in time to see most of it happen. Well, you guessed it, i got home yesterday and it was gone. The cocoon was empty and the butterfly was no where to be seen. My fear is that it fell on the floor and one of the cats ate it.

My first emotion that came from this was sadness and then it quickly changed to anger. I was (and kinda still am) angry at God because he didn't even let me have that moment to see the butterfly emerge. Why couldn't i have that? Josh gave me that for mother's day and i was so excited. I would just sit there and stare at the cocoon thinking how neat the whole experience was going to be. And just like the three babies it was stolen from me. Why can't he cut me a break? I mean seriously, why do i have to continue to feel like I am being punished? Why does he think that taking things from me will make me draw closer to him? It doesn't seem to be working. And maybe that is because I'm not as strong a christian as I should be by this point. But I am tired. I am tired of my dreams being stolen and my heart being crushed. I didn't think i could make it through a third m/c but i had too. How much more pain and suffering does he have for me? How much more must I endure to have this dream that my heart aches for? I am tired and I don't want to do this anymore.

So mother's day wasn't awful. Church was good and the message wasn't mother specific and they didn't let people get up and say wonderful things about their mothers/wives. Annie gave me a beautiful card that made me cry and smile. And Diane gave a me a sweet gift. Josh picked up Abuelos after chruch and we ate it and watched a movie. Then we took a nap and then just did some lite housework. So overall it was an ok day. I hope and pray though that next MD will be so joyful because a baby will be here or on the way.

I called the dr on tue and they said the results weren't back yet and it would be another week. Hopefully they will call tue and we will know what the future holds.

Josh is the bestest husband ever. He bought me a wonderful MD gift. I am not going to go into details until i can add pics to show what it was. So stay tuned.

Josh and I were having a conversation last night about church and mother's day and such and I realized that i feel very alone. That there is no one out there who understands where i am and what i am feeling. I have friends who have had one or more m/c, but they all have kids now. I have one friend who had IF with her first but got pg naturally with the other two. I have a whole forum of friends who have had IF and/or m/c. But all of our stories are different. No one knows my exact pain. My pain with IF and m/c and that the lives of everyone else around me keep moving forward and mine feels like it has stopped.

Mother's day is right around the corner and i just want to hide in a hole somewhere. I am tired of the all the cute commercials. I am sad that all of my friends who are married have children. That there have been 8 children born in my church since i first started TTC. And that i am the only married women at my church of reproductive age that doesn't have children. that i don't feel any closer to bringing a baby home today than i was after my first m/c. I feel like no progress has been made. I am still IF and if i do by the grace of God get pg who knows how long it will last.

Four weeks ago i was looking forward to mother's day. It would be the first one that i would actually be pg during, instead of losing a baby months prior. but that didn't happen. It is the same story as the last two years. I actually think it is funny that for the last three years I have gotten pg in Jan, Feb, Mar and m/c in Feb, Mar, April and my due dates were Sept, Oct, Nov. So 6 out of 12 months have now become sad. Throw in May for mother's day and that makes 7.

I really was doing well up until this week. I think the reality of another Mother's day without a baby here or in the womb has hit me like a ton of bricks. The reality that my life is so much different of all the people around me has slapped me in the face. I am just ready for it to be next monday so that I can move on and work myself up for father's day, which by the way always makes me feel like a failure. but that's a post for another day.