and not knowing what that looks like. I really don't know if i have dealt with all the emotions that this tragedy holds for me. I haven't cried since last weekend and i think i am trying my hardest not to feel anything because i think it will destroy me. I know that is not good and I need to walk through all the stagese of grief, but frankly im scared. Scared i won't come out on the other side. Scared i will be a different person, a person i don't like. So I stay in my denial and try to think that life is just great. Not that it was great before this but it was significantly better. I am doing my best to avoid people, and when they call i act like all is fine. I don't like being this person, but im scared of the alternative. I am thinking that once my mom is gone and I am left alone then the emotions will flood over me.

For the first baby i made a little scrapbook. The pic of the test, the congrats cards and then the "im so sorry" cards. I had none of that for the second baby. but I have all of that and more for this one. I have sono pics. Pictures of that precious life that just tear me up everytime I see them. So when i feel like i can i am going to make a scrapbook for this baby too. That will be the only thing I will ever have of this baby. I will never get to feel him/her move or hear cry or see their beautiful eyes. And my heart aches because of it. But i will always the cards and the pictures. Three pregnancies later and still no baby, only cards and pictures. How did my life end up this way??