Never would I have believed that i was going to have a third miscarriage. At least not right now. Maybe after having a kid or two i might have another one and even though it would still hurt at least I would have children. I wouldn't be left with the overwhelming fear that I will never be a mother to a living child. I wouldn't be left with wondering what is wrong with my body that it keeps killing my children. This is not a place i ever wanted to be in again. And here I am. Heartbroken with my dead unborn child still inside of me. I know these are harsh words, but they are my reality. My reality that I can conceive a child once a year only to lose it weeks later. That after spending so much time and money to get pregnant with this baby it dies and now I get to spend even more money to have it removed from my body. For some reason my body doesn't know this baby has died. Maybe it is holding onto the hope that I have lost and not sure I will ever get back. So I will go to the dr tuesday and she will put me under and she will rip my unborn child from my womb. And they will test it genetically to see what is wrong. This is a place i don't want to be in. Where I want there to be some explanation why i keep losing my children, but terrified that she will tell me that we have some genetic abnormality that will never allow us to have living children. But I guess at least the latter would give me some closure. A feeling that I haven't had in over two years.

I am having to learn again the harsh reality that God doesn't always answer prayer. We prayed i would not conceive unless i would carry that child to term. Everyone believed that this baby would make it. But it didn't. And now i am here angry at God but knowing i will not make it to the other side of this tragedy without him. I feel like the pain and sorrow will just swallow me up and i will be a walking zombie for the rest of my life, never feeling anything again. But I don't want to be that zombie. I want to be normal again. Whatever that looks like. Greg came over last night and prayed for us. He reminded me that God owes me nothing and as hard as that is to hear it is true. Spending eternity in heaven with him is the best that i can hope for and that is still so much more than i will ever deserve. So some how I have to pick up the pieces and go on. Knowing that there is always the possibility that I will never have children and that has to be ok. I have to be able to live my life in spite of that. I don't really know what that looks like, but i know it won't be easy.

So this is my life. Filled with more sorrow than I think I can bare, but i guess God thinks i can. I am in an unsure place at the moment. Unsure if i can try again. I really don't want to be here again, and trying again always means there is a possibility that i would have to walk through this all over again. On my support forum i encourage them that they will know when to try when the desire to have a baby overrides the fear of another miscarriage. I don't know if I will be in that place anytime soon. But then my heart is broken more to see so many women around me having babies and second and thrid babies and wanting my children to be close in age to theirs. And wanting to not be left out. I am almost thirty and i cannot fathom that i don't have children. That i have been married almost 8 years without kids. It seems so unfair, but life isn't fair is it. Sadly no it is not. So i get to continue to be AUNT to so many wonderful babies while my heart aches and wishes it could me mom to someone.