So I'm pretty sure I still haven't really delt with all the feelings yet and it is fear that is keeping me from doing it. But I will work on my scrapbook on saturday and then all the feelings should rush over me and i will officially be a mess for who knows how long.

The thing that makes me the saddest about this loss (besides not having a baby of course) is all hopes and dreams. I had prayed that I would be pg in time to surprise my mom at her 50th bday party. My nephew was just born and they would be less than a year apart. The baby would have been born around thanksgiving so we would get to show him/her off at Christmas to all our family. I would get to stop working in November and never have to come back. I wouldn't feel like i am feeling right now and i wouldn't have to be doing fertility treatment again for a while. All of these things are gone. Dreams flushed down the toilet now floating in the ocean somewhere.

For the third time my heart is broken and a part of me is lost forever. I have changed so much in the last two years and this will change me more. I don't know if I will recognize who I am at the end of this journey. Or if i will like who i become. I know i have said this before so it must be a deep fear that I have that I really need to work through. Maybe a meeting with Greg should be scheduled.

Another intesting aspect of me losing this child is my friends. I know that they hurt and they grieve and they support as much as they can. And i hate it that this tragedy has to affect so many people. Annie asked me last night how I will feel when she gets pregnant again. Which is a very valid question and im happy that our friendship is one where she feels comfortable asking me. I told her i would be happy for her and heartbroken all at the same time. That every new pregnancy is just a reminder of what i don't have. but I don't want my friends to plan their life around mine. Or to feel bad about their fertility status because mine sucks so much. It just sucks that these questions have to be thought about or asked at all. Life is just really screwed up right now and I am just ready for a good change. A happy change...