Surely your goodness and love will follow me ,

all the days of my life,

and I will dwell in the house of the LORD

forever. Psalm 23:6

Even though it may not look like it from the American standards, I am blessed beyond words.  I might live in an apartment, drive an old vehicle and not have extra money for all that I want, I have everything that I need.

• I am thankful that I live in a country where I can freely love Jesus.  Where I can serve Him and worship Him without persecution.
• I am thankful for my husband.  He loves me more than I deserve.  He respects me and treats me wonderfully.  He gets up everyday and goes to a job he hates so that we can have a place to live and food to eat, and so that I can stay home everyday with our son.
• I am thankful for my beautiful son.  It brings me such joy to be his mother and watch him grow.
• I am thankful for my family.  They support us in so many ways.  They love us unconditionally.  I am so happy that we live near them and Kai gets to really know his grandparents, uncles and cousin.
• I am thankful for my friends.  They are all wonderful, whether they live close or far I always know they are there for me and I am deeply loved.
• I am thankful that Maverick is alive and doing well.  He is still fighting, but we can see then end of the road now.  Soon he will be perfectly healthy.
• I am thankful for my brand new niece who was born perfectly healthy and who is just beautiful.

I know I suck, who really cares?  I don't. 

Anywho, things here have been good.  Kai's party was a success.  He got lots of clothes and few toys and books.  He really needed clothes so I was happy.

Friday we took him to the zoo.  He LOVES animals, but also LOVES slides, unfortunately the slide won.  We paid $6 (which I know is ridiculously cheap to get into a zoo, but remember this is Amarillo, people!) for him to play on the play ground.  Um, we have one of those at our apartment!!  But it was fun and I got some cute pics...

It's late and I have a headache.  I will update more tomorrow.  Also, I'll let you know if we like the church we are gonna visit tomorrow.  We have been here a year and have yet to find a church home.  Nothing really compares to the 2 churches we had in the metroplex that we loved.  I am praying that I will get out of the way and just let God lead us where he wants us. 

Nighty, night!!

Dear Kai,

Two years ago today my life changed forever.  I had been on a journey for 4 years and on that day my journey ended.  I had acheived my life long dream...I became a mother (to a living child).  You made that dream come true.

I remember the day you were born like it was yesterday.  Your stubborn streak was apparent very early when you decided you weren't going to come out on your own.  Ten days after your due date we decided we could wait no longer to meet you.  It was the most painful and the happiest 3.5 hours of my life.  Your daddy and Yaya were there and my two wonderful friends Donna and Diane.  It went perfectly...and you were perfect.

When I saw you first I was in disbelief.  Could this really be happening?  Could you really be mine to take home and raise and love?  You were beautiful and I fell head over heals the first moment I saw you. 

The last two years with you have been the 2 best years of my life.  They have also been hard.  We went through daddy losing his job.  Moving back to our home town, leaving all our friends.  Living with your grandparents.  Daddy making less money.  Mommy losing one of her dearest friends.  Moving into an apartment.  But none of that really matters since you are here.  We can make it through any hard time together.  You make mommy and daddy better people and for that I will be forever grateful.

I cannot tell you how wonderful it is that I get to spend all day, every day with you.  I revel in watching you grow and learn.  You can count to 10.  You know a lot of colors.  You know what a lot of animals say.  You can say any word and you are making sentences.  You love Cars and Nemo and Buzz.  You LOVE word world.  You like to ride your bike and push your lawnmower.  You love to chase the dog.  You love all of your grandparents...I could go on and on.

These last two years seem to have gone by so quickly...you are growing up and all I can do is stand back and watch.  I would love for you to stay little forever, but I also can't wait for you to get older and all the things we will be able to do. 

Tonight when I was putting you down for bed I looked into your eyes and wondered what kind of man you will be.  My prayer is that you will be a great man.  That you will love your Lord and your family with all your heart.  That you will be sensitive and kind, but also strong and dependable.  I have so many dreams for you but I can't wait to find out what dreams you will have for yourself.  The world is open to you my sweet boy, you can do anything that you want.

Just know that I treasure every moment that we spend together.  Always remember that I love you more than words can ever say.  You are the sweetest boy I know and I am so happy that you are mine.

My love forever,
Mama

So blog fail last night.  I completely forgot until I was already in bed.  And since Kai sleeps in our room I didn't want to risk waking him by getting up.  I'm pretty sure no one missed me though!!

It is Kai's birthday week!!!  I want to start the tradition where we celebrate the kids birthdays all week long.  That doesn't mean they are going to get a ton of presents.  I want to do things each day that make them feel special.  Kai is a my miracle, and I want him to know that to his core.  To feel loved, and cared for.  I think next year it will be a lot more fun.  I really can't wait.

But for this year so far this is what we have done, or will be doing...

• Sunday:  we bought him a balloon, the kid LOVES balloons
• Monday:  we made play-dough and then played with it
• Tuesday:  lunch with family and then he spent the day at his Gamma's hourse
• Wednesday:  not completely sure yet, maybe jump n jive, maybe a movie.  But we will be doing lunch, oh and daddy took the day off!!
• Thursday:  spending the day with Yaya
• Friday: going to the zoo
• Saturday: snuggling at home watching toy story 1 and 2 (we watched 3 last weekend)

Oh and his party is tomorrow night.  I have made chocolate cupcakes.  I'm pondering making #2 cookies, but prolly won't because I don't need more to do.  We are gonna have dinner, open presents, eat cake, and crafts for the kids.  Mostly just family and a few friends.  I think it's gonna be great.

 This is my brother, he's a daddy.  I really can't even believe it.
 The happy family right after Copper popped out!

Not much to say today.  Tomorrow starts Kai's birthday week and we have a ton of stuff planned...thus I will have much to write about!!

Here are the pics...

I woke this morning to a beautiful white blanket covering the earth.  It really was beautiful.  Unfortunately, not long after the sun came out and melted it all.  Now we are just stuck with wet ground that will most likely freeze tonight.  So tomorrow morning should be fun for all the drivers.

Not much else to say, I'm gonna go play with my new toy...XBOX KINECT...you're jealous, I know you are.

Wait just got a call from my SIL, I missed it but there is a message...she had the baby!!!!  Yay I'm an Aunt again.   Welcome to the world Copper Jo!!!!  Woohoo.

Today was more exciting than I wanted.  My mom was going to watch Kai and I was gonna get some stuff done, like cleaning, laundry, studying and maybe visiting a friend.  Too bad most of that didn't happen...well, except the cleaning part.

I was making Kai some oatmeal.  I put the pan on the stove, turned it on and went to the bathroom.  While in the bathroom I heard crackling noises.  I thought that was weird, that was really fast for the water to already be boiling. I came out of the bathroom to find our brita water filter on FIRE!!

There were flames and I had to think fast.  We haven't bought a fire extinguisher yet (which i was glad about because then I would have to clean that up too) so I grabbed a cup and put some water in it.  I had to put about 3 glasses of water on the fire before it was down enough that I could turn the burner off. 

To say I was a scared would be an understatment.  Luckily, Kai was watching word world and oblivious to everything that was happening.  After I got the fire out I had to open all the windows, the back door and turn the a/c on (just had to mention that it was 38 degrees outside).  Unfortunately, we don't have ceiling fans.  The whole house smelled like burning plastic and was filled with smoke.  Once the smoke disappated I realized that everything had a thin layer of soot. 

So I spent my day without Kai cleaning soot off everything.  And I couldn't just wipe it off because then the black would just spread all over.  Needless to say it wasn't very much fun.  But I am so terribly thankful that it didn't end badly.  We are all safe and all my material possesions are unburnt...except for my water filter, of course!!

Today was a very nice day.  Josh was home sick so we didn't really do much.  He did watch Kai so I could go to the college and wait for 2 hours just to spend 5 minutes with my advisor, but hey I'm enrolled.

He also made me waffles.  I love waffles.  I actually used to hate waffles until Josh and I went on a cruise.  They had Belgian waffles every morning.  Regular waffles and Belgian waffles are completely different.  As soon as we got home from the cruise we ran out and bought a waffle maker!

I took Kai to the park for a little bit and then we went out for breakfast.  He took his nap while I sat around and did nothing.  Then we went to Kabuki with my family.  Went to my mom's house for cake.  And then stopped by the in-laws house.  Nothing overly exciting, but I really did enjoy the day.

So for the presents, here are pics of what I have gotten so far...


I got this sewing machine from my grandparents.  I actually got it back in June.  My family is notorious for getting presents early.  I LOVE it.  It threads itself!!  It's amazing and since I'm not that great a sewer, having a good machine really helps.

I got the pretty cross from my dad and Stephanie.  Josh gave me all the woodwick candles, love them sooo much.  And my grandmother gave me the "r" bowl, loofa and green rug.  The green rug is for my bedroom/bathroom.  My dream is to have a black and white room with touches of green, but I haven't found the perfect bedding set just yet.

That's how old I am...sigh.  I know I have said it so many times already, but this is not where I imagined my life to be when I was in my early 30's.  That being said I am so extremely grateful for all that I have.  I know that I am blessed beyond words.

Something exciting happened today...my dad came into town!!  He technically was here for business but I like to think he was just using that as an excuse.  He took us out to dinner at Saltgrass, one of my very favorite places, and we stuffed ourselves full of beef!!  It was a very nice time and I was glad to see him.  Also, glad that he got to see Kai.  It has been a while and he is so stinking cute right now!!

That's about it for today.  OH wait.  I'm trying to register for the spring semester and it has been a gigantic pain.in.my.butt!!  I went online to register and it told me I needed to be greenlighted.  I hate greenlighting.  It's so stupid.  I'm 32 years old and I don't need my advisor to hold my hand...but I digress.  So I go to her office yesterday, which was the first day of registration and there were 400 people there!!  So I went back today and there were only 15 people there, so I sat down and waited.  About 15 minutes later she comes and says the computers are down and she didn't know how long it would be.  So I will try again tomorrow.  I have to get up early on my birthday to go wait in line so I can register for school. Can we say FUN!!!

November is a very busy month for me.  Let's do it by date, that's easier.

2nd is my step mothers birthday
8th is my grandmother's birthday and Ian's birthday (my wonderful friends son)
9th is my aunts birthday
10 is MY birthday
17th is Kai's birthday

Also, to add to that list my neice is due today.  She apparently decided she didn't like the 8th and is holding out for another number.  I'm pretty sure is she gonna arrive on my birthday just to spite me!!  I really like my birthday and I like making a big deal of it, so it would be just like her to steal my thunder!

Actually I would be honored if she were born on my birthday.  I'm pretty sure that means her parents should name her after me...hint, hint!!

I'm gonna be honest, I really don't like school.  I have forgotten everything I might have learned during my schooling years, especially the math part.  This semester I am taking history, economics, accounting and a somewhat remedial alegbra class.  It's not technically remedial because I get credit for it.  But it's not a class I need for my degree.  But 13 years ago when I took the TASP I apparently didn't do well enough on the math portion so now I'm being punished (well not anymore because I dropped the class!!).

All of my classes are online. Which is hard for me.  I'm an auditory learning, thus I'm not really learning anything.  Really the only reason I am passing is that I get to use my book for every quiz and test.  Thankfully I only have a month of this semester left.

Even with my dislike of school I am very excited about next semester.  If I do everything right I can be attending West Texas A&M University next fall.  Once there I will stop hating school.  Once there I will get to take core classes, classes that I actually care about and that makes me happy. 

So I just have to bite the bullet and make it through the next semester and summer classes.  I can do it!!

So as I'm sure you noticed I already failed at this bloggin everyday thing.  I have an excuse.  Josh's family hates to PLAN anything.  They are so last minute type of people.  I love them dearly, but that drives me CRAZY.  I like to plan and know what I'm doing and where I'm going.  So they called yesterday at 5:30 and wanted to know if we wanted to meet for dinner at 6.  Of course dinner didn't really start at 6.  By the time we were done and home I had to take a quiz and catch up on my email and facebook and forums and all that. And then it was bed time because I had to be up early this am to help with my mother's garage sale.

So there, aren't you glad you asked what my excuse was!!!???!!

Anywho, not much going on here, which means I have nothing to say.  I'm tired and watching SNL so I'll just leave you with this pic of Kai.  He got himself into this situation and needed me to help him get out.  I was a bad mommy and made him stay like that while I grabbed the camera and snapped a shot!!

I think I have told you already that I LOVE pumpkins.  I just think they are so fun and cute.  I currently have 19 of them all around the apartment.  It is only 19 because I have less space than normal.  My Thanksgiving tub still has many unused pumpkins in it. 

I also love real pumkins. I alway buy several different styles. I love to stack them and organize them on a haybale. This year we went to a pumpkin farm. Not only did they have a huge selection of pumpkins, but they had a corn maze and many other things that kept the kiddo entertained. Kai had a great time. Especially going down the slide that was inside a dirt hill and playing in the corn box.

One of the many things I love about West Texas is the beautiful sunsets.  Since it is so flat and we don't have many tall buildings or trees you can see for miles and miles and miles.  And also, Josh says we have great sunsets because there is so much dust in the atmosphere that refracts the light so it makes it more colorful...ok, honey, whatever you say!!!

Anywho, the other night I stepped out on our 2nd story patio and saw this sunset.  It was gorgeous.  I love the how much pink there is.  I hope you like it too.

I love Christmas cards.  Especially ones that talk about Jesus.  I will admit that while in the trenches of IF, I didn't really like the Christmas cards that were a picture of the whole, happy family.  So I decided to make one of my family, it was me, Josh and Chip and I think it was pretty darn cute.

Of course now that Kai is here I love doing the family pic card.  I am sensitive though and don't send them to anyone who I think will be hurt by it.

Last year was the first year I used Shutterfly for my Christmas card (and MANY of my Christmas presents) and I loved it.  First I love Shutterfly because it is a free site where I can store my pics.  I like that because I know they are safe if my computer ever crashes and I lose everything.  Another reason I like Shutterfly is becasue they give me a share site where I can post pics and stories and videos and share it all with my friends...oh and it's free too...awesome.

But I digress, I was talking about Christmas photo cards wasn't I?  Well, the time has come to pick the card I want to use this year.  I must say that they have a huge selection of Christmas, religious Christmas, holiday, Hanukkah, and even spanish cards.  So the decision is kinda hard since the selection is so large.  But I have narrowed it down to a few.

Ok well, blogger is being a pain and won't let me up load the pics, so go here, here, and here to see the ones I like.

Ok now get busy deciding on which one you want to send to your friends and family!!

Are you ready to read a whole 30 days worth of my rambling?  I'm gonna do that thing where you blog every day for a month.  It has a name but, something like Namoblomo or whatever.  At least for 1 min everyday you won't be bored!!!

I've never really been into halloween.  I don't necessarily agree with the holiday, I guess I like the cute and fuzzy side of Halloween, not the dark and scary side.  I can only remember a few times actually dressing up and doing something.  I know when I was little I dressed up like a hobo many times...we were poor and hobo's are easy.

Here is a stroll down memory lane.  I don't have a scanner so I had to take pics of some of the pics.

Here is me dressed as a mailbox.  I have no idea how I came up with that idea.  Don't you like how well I'm matched?!?! I actually wore that to the school dance!

Before I had Kai I was pretty sure we would not have a baby in bed with us.  I didn't really see anything wrong with it.  I just knew I wanted to keep my space.  I also did want to get kicked, and punched and wake up with a kid on top of me!  But I think the biggest reason is I didn't want to deal with transitioning my child to his own bed after sleeping with me for however long.  I've watched super nanny, I know it's not easy.

But of course all that went out the window when Kai was born.  The main reason Kai slept with us is because I was so terribly nervous about him dying.  I wanted him next to me at all times.  It helped that he didn't like to sleep on his back, and I would not let him sleep on his own on his side, so he had to be with us.  There did come the time that he got bigger and Josh and I were annoyed by his constant moving and kicking.  So we took the front off of his crib and moved it right next to the bed.  This worked out great.  He was still close to me but he wasn't in our space.

When we moved in with Josh's parents, into a 10x10 bedroom, we put Kai in his crib, with the front on.  He was only about a foot from me.  This also worked well.  It seems Kai doesn't really need to be in bed with us, he just likes to be close to us.

When we moved into the apartment Josh and I were both excited that he would have his own room.  The plan was to slowly transition him to his room.  We put his crib in his room but put the mattress on the floor next to our bed.  Well it's been a little over a month and Kai is still in our room...and it's my fault.  I'm not sure I am ready to put him in his own room.  I like being able to look at him and make sure he is ok.  To put my hand on his back to make sure he is still breathing (yes I still do this even though he is almost 2, I'm crazy).  I don't know if I can live without the peace of mind I get from him being right next to me.

I do realize that he has to eventually go to his own room.  I know he can't sleep with us when he is 14!!  But he's only 2, I think it is ok for now.  Hopefully I can get my husband to accept it, he's pretty good about going along with all my craziness.

Kai is at such a cute age.  I just love him so much and want to tickle him all day long!!!  He is talking sooo much.  He even made his first sentence the other day..."no eat corndogs"!!!  What kid doesn't like corndogs? 

I seriously cannot believe he is going to be two next month.  Where has the time gone?  Josh and I are talking about what to get him for his birthday.  We are leaning towards a small fish tank with just a few fish.  He loves Nemo and he likes looking at fish at other places.  And since his birthday and Christmas are so close together we can get him a more fun, toy gift for Christmas.

Now for some Maverick news.  He is doing well.  He is home again. He did spend a couple days in the hospital last week for a virus.  He is TUBELESS!!  He has no tubes on his face.  They took his feeding tube out yesterday.  He is eating pretty well.  Meg says all he wants is to be held ALL the time!!  I guess after all he has been through he can be held all he wants!!  He will go on tuesday for and MRI and a repeat bone marrow scan.  They are checking to see what the cancer has done and make sure it hasn't spread anywhere.  The drs are thinking at least two more chemo treatments.  Keep praying.

Did you realize that there have been people boycotting Nestle since the late '70's?  I sure didn't.  I had read something on FB a while back about boycotting Nestle because they were giving misleading information to women in third world countries about formula.  Apparently, many women decided to formula feed instead of breastfeed and thus used contaminated water to make the formula, causing many children to become sick and some to even die.  This is not really an issue of breastfeeding vs. formula feeding...it is more about the ethical practices of a major, global company.

Another reason to boycott Nestle is because they buy their chocolate from suppliers that use child slaves.  This is clearly wrong and Nestle is apparently only concerened with their bottom line.

Their are many other sins that Nestle has committed.  You can go to PhD in Parenting to get all the info you need, including a full list of Nestle products.

This company needs to apparently be remind time after time that what they are doing is wrong.  Please join the cause.  If we all do something small then maybe we can send them a message.  Join the Nestle Boycott.  Or if for some reason you can't then you can join the Week Long Nestle Boycott 10/26-11/1, or the Nestle Halloween Candy Boycott.  Please help and do your part...

My SIL commented that she wanted to know more about what is going on with Kai.  I can understand that he is pretty darn smart and cute and hilarious.  So here is a list of some things Kai does and/or says...enjoy.

• He loves to jump over things.  But he doesn't really "jump".  He squats down and then lifts one leg off the ground.  It is super duper adorable!
• He says the words yes and no.  But if you ask him a question like "do you want mommy to help you?" he will say "mommy" while shaking his head yes or no.
• He sighs a lot, especially at the dog. 
• He loves the movies cars and finding nemo.  And also loves wordworld.
• He loves to push things.  When we go to the store he helps push the basket.  At home he pushes his lawnmower or basket around and around and around.
• He says he wants to use the potty and be a big boy but when I ask him if he wants to sit on the potty he always says no.
• He loves to take baths, but hates it when have to wet his hair.  He cries so much.  I try to tell him to put his head back but he doesn't listen.
• He basically says any word you ask him to say. 
• We have a bee parade everyday.  He has two bees that have strings.  He gets one and Josh gets one and they pull them all around the apartment!!
• He says "me" so cute.  Sometime when I try to do something for him he points to himself and says "me".  But if he wants me to do something he points to me and says "me"!!!
• If Kai and Josh are playing in Kais room whenever I try to go in his room he pushes me out and shuts the door!
• Everytime he gets up from sleeping he drags his blanket out the livingroom with him.
• Whenever he has a phone and I ask him who he is calling he always says "dada".
• He loves strawberries, grapes, oranges, bananas, greenbeans, carrots and freeze dried peas!
• He loves horses and he calls them "neigh neighs"!!

I was gonna add some pics, but blogger is being a pain.  I'll try again later.

Thanks for  the comments on my last post.  I really appreciate it. 

Here is the pic from our candle lighting last night at 7:00 for PAIL...

We also did a balloon release today.  I have to find my camera cord before I can upload them, so coming soon.

An old friend came into to town this weekend and she just happens to do photography, and since it was time for our yearly family photos (beth I miss you!!!) I called her up.  I did just get 6 inches of my hair cut off and I'm regretting it.  So I dont' really like my hair in these pics...just so ya know.

Well it seems as though my blog is readerless.  This was to be expected...I guess.  There are few reasons I can come up with why this has happened.

1. I don't blog nearly as much since I have had kai.
2. I have had a living child so some people prolly stopped reading (it's ok, I did it too)
3. My life is pretty boring most of the time!
4. My life is kinda depressing a lot of the time!

 I assume that one of those reasons is why you are no longer reading my blog.  So really the million dollar question is "why do I blog in the first place"?  I have been thinking about this for a couple days, wanted the find the REAL reason.  Here is a list of things that could be the reason.

1. I need to be validated by someone
2. I need to get my feelings out so I don't hurt someone
3. It is therapuetic for me
4. I hope to help someone else who may be going through what I went through/am going through.
5. I just like to hear myself talk.
6. I really need to be validated by someone!!

The answer is yes to all except #5!!!  All of those are reasons why I come here and do this.  I would say that numbers 3 and 4 are the biggest. 

I would also say that I am working on numbers 1 and 6.  I recently realized I had this desire for people to validate my feelings.  But it usually doesn't happen, and I really shouldn't need it anyways.  I mean not to the degree I feel I need it.  I have really been trying to focus on God and realizing that He is the one who needs to validate me.  If no one ever reads this blog again, I need to be ok with that...it's still a work in progress

So I guess what I am saying is that I will continue to come here when I feel I need too and I will continue to post all the goings on in my life.  I'm sure most of the time it will be pretty boring, but I need to do it and that's really all that matters.  So read if you want and comment if you feel led.  But I'm ok if you don't!!

____________________________________________________
Quickie Maverick Update
He is HOME!!!!!  He spent 42 days in the hospital going from stable to critical to stable to healthy enough to go home.  He is still on a feeding tube at night and still has his port in.  His parents have to give him medicine daily.  He has also done another chemo treatment.  He is still fighting for his life, the cancer is not gone.  But he is making so many steps in the right direction!!!!!

It's fall, I love fall.  Almost as much as I love spring!!  Fall is beautiful and crisp and smells of pumpkins and apple cider.  Fall is also when Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month is and where 4 of my due dates are.

This time of year always finds me being contemplative. Thinking of what I lost and what I have.  All those years of infertility and loss and I now have a beautiful, precious, adorable son.  Kai is my dream come true and is a miracle sent here straight from heaven.  But his life doesn't negate all those that came and went before him.  Yes the pain is less and thoughts are fewer, but it is still all there...just right under the surface, waiting to flood me again. 

Maverick being in the hospital has reminded me a lot of my losses.  How I would have a miscarriage and then for some reason the world would keep spinning and I would be sitting there in the middle of my grief watching it all go by.  Wondering why no one else felt the way I felt.  I feel that with Maverick too.  How can the world keep going while he is fighting for his life?  But it does and I think that was a hard lesson for me...I guess it still is.

I still think of the should be's, could be's, would be's all the time.  I don't mention it much to people because I am afraid of the "shouldn't she be over that by now",and "she has a kid now so what's her problem".  So I continue to grieve silently for all those babies and all those dreams that will never be. 

I recently stumbled upon two very wonderful sights that I want to share with anyone who may be reading.  One is Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope.  It is a place where women can tell their story about their baby/babies.  A place where hopefully together we can show the world that baby loss does happen all the time and the women who experience the tragedy of losing their child deserve to be heard and their babies deserve to be respected.



This same group also has a sight called I AM THE FACE.  If you are the face of miscarriage, stillbirth or infant death please submit your picture and the names(s) of your child.   I added my picture and the names of my 5 beautiful babies are now on the list.  The movement has started and the taboo is being shattered.