It's fall, I love fall.  Almost as much as I love spring!!  Fall is beautiful and crisp and smells of pumpkins and apple cider.  Fall is also when Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month is and where 4 of my due dates are.

This time of year always finds me being contemplative. Thinking of what I lost and what I have.  All those years of infertility and loss and I now have a beautiful, precious, adorable son.  Kai is my dream come true and is a miracle sent here straight from heaven.  But his life doesn't negate all those that came and went before him.  Yes the pain is less and thoughts are fewer, but it is still all there...just right under the surface, waiting to flood me again. 

Maverick being in the hospital has reminded me a lot of my losses.  How I would have a miscarriage and then for some reason the world would keep spinning and I would be sitting there in the middle of my grief watching it all go by.  Wondering why no one else felt the way I felt.  I feel that with Maverick too.  How can the world keep going while he is fighting for his life?  But it does and I think that was a hard lesson for me...I guess it still is.

I still think of the should be's, could be's, would be's all the time.  I don't mention it much to people because I am afraid of the "shouldn't she be over that by now",and "she has a kid now so what's her problem".  So I continue to grieve silently for all those babies and all those dreams that will never be. 

I recently stumbled upon two very wonderful sights that I want to share with anyone who may be reading.  One is Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope.  It is a place where women can tell their story about their baby/babies.  A place where hopefully together we can show the world that baby loss does happen all the time and the women who experience the tragedy of losing their child deserve to be heard and their babies deserve to be respected.



This same group also has a sight called I AM THE FACE.  If you are the face of miscarriage, stillbirth or infant death please submit your picture and the names(s) of your child.   I added my picture and the names of my 5 beautiful babies are now on the list.  The movement has started and the taboo is being shattered.