Today is our dating anniversary. We have been couple in some form of the word since October 29, 1995. I was 17 and he was 18. We were young and in love!! There were times in the 3.5 years before we got married that we weren't sure we were gonna make it, but I always knew in my heart he was on the one I would spend the rest of my life with. So thanks Josh for making the last 12 years of my life so wonderful and fun!!!!

Dan in real life...

I don't know if you have seen the preview for this movie, but it is wonderful and I would suggest it to everyone. The story is so great and it makes you laugh and cry. I think Steve Carrell did a fabulous job. This movie made me want to have kids even more than I already do. I loved all the family traditions that they had. You just have to see it.

Reign over me...

Adam Sandler seriously should win an award for this movie. His performance was so moving. I was truly amazed at how good the whole movie was. I was a little skeptic going in, but I loved it. So if you are in the mood for a really good movie and maybe a side of crying you should really see this

I went to wal-mart today. For those in the IF world, WM is not the place to go if you are having a bad day. Women with 5 screaming kids and big pg bellies everywhere. But I had to go and get a prescription. So I took a deep breath and went in. After I got my prescription I went over to the food to get some stuff for dinner. At this walmart they have cleverly placed the baby section right next to the frozen food. From a distance I saw the rack of baby Christmas dresses. The one on the front was a newborn size, so cute and tiny. For some reason I decided to walk over and look at it. And then the thoughts started... I should be buying a newborn Christmas dress for my baby. And then I kept walking in the baby area. All the while wondering why I was torturing myself. I saw the coats and thought I should be buying on of these too. After looking around for a minute I decided I had enough.
As I was walking away I realized I was OK. It was a weird feeling. I wasn't a total mess, trying to fight back the tears. I was OK. My heart was still aching because of what I don't have, but I think after three years of this rollercoaster I am in a new place emotionally. And I think it is a good place. A place where I could see myself being ok with not having kids. A place where I can look at baby stuff and not spend the next day in bed. I guess this is just another part of the journey. And I am sure there will still be times when I will leave in tears, but I think they will be the exception.
In other news Josh and I are seriously looking into adoption. I have thrown the thought around in my head for a while. But I think now is the time to start everything. Of course the biggest issue is money, but there are assistant programs so we are looking into those too. The future is definately uncertain at this moment. But I think i am ok with that.

Here are some random pictures that I thought I would share with you. Enjoy.

Here is a picture of the cakes that Annie and I made for Becki's shower. We were very proud, this being our first cake decorating endeavor!!

This is the henna tatto I had done at the fair. I love it. I think I'm gonna buy a henna kit and have Josh draw designs on my ankles and such. It gives me my tatoo fix without the pain!

This is my front porch all decorated for fall. Josh and I and our friend David went to a real pumpkin patch and picked all these pumpkins. I love pumpkins and I love fall. Oh and the weather is starting to cool off, so it really feels like fall!!

And lastely this is a pic of the beautiful, long stem, red roses that Josh bought me for PAIL day. Isn't he a sweetie?

Please keep my friend Dara and her family in your thoughts and prayers. We were in the November pg club together. Sadly I had to leave but her pg was going strong. On wed she was having contractions that were 5 min apart so she went to the hospital. When she got there they were unable to find a heartbeat. She delivered her beautiful daughter Maya still. The cord and placenta all looked fine, they are doing an autopsy.

This is so surreal to me. I have met many people who have lost term babies. But this is the first where I watched the pg and felt a connection to the mother. There are no gaurantees. Those two pink lines do not mean a baby is coming home...

Since I am not at the moment doing any kind of ART treatment, then I have absolutely no idea where I am in my cycle. I mean I know what cd it is (my homepage tells me this nifty info) but i don't know if I O'd and if I did then when. My assumption is that since I took progesterone at the end of the last cycle then I would have O'd on this cycle. If this assumption is true then I may be done with the 2ww.
Of course the only way to confirm any of this is to take the dreaded HPT. Which I just happen to have some of at home. Now what I find interesting is this the first month I can remember where I have not wanted to take a test. I think it is because I don't believe my body would do anything right on its own! So what to do, what to do???
After almost 3 years of doing this I am pretty good at not reading into symptoms. But you know how it is, with every twinge and pinch hope kinda creeps in. I have decided that if I do test it will be fmu. So it has been pretty easy to just jump out of bed and run to the bathroom before I even think about testing. I guess that is me trying to protect myself. Because you know I am going to be a mess either way. Cd 32 and counting...

I have noticed in life that there are these "clubs" that people are members of. Here are some examples of clubs: religion, parenting style, age group, infertilty, pg loss, single, married, and so on and so forth. Some clubs I am a memeber of include: infertilty, pg loss, married, christian, late 20's, animal lover... Some of these clubs actually have scheduled meetings where the members get together. Like i have been to a pg loss club meeting and I have a friend who has started attending meetings about her parenting style. But most of the clubs are not defined by meetings. They seem to be defined by life. Wherever I am in life is what club I am in. Since I'm married I am a member of the married club.
Seriously, I am getting to my point I promise. Anywho, there is a club of mothers. Women who actually have little ones running around. This is a club I am not a member of. I have been giving my memebership card 4 times and have lost each and every time. So now I sit on the sidelines and watch this invisible club meet in front of me. Sometimes it is just too hard to watch and my heart just breaks even more. Thankfully those days are the minority. It seems that I usually do pretty well just sitting on the sidelines watching all that I am missing.
I recently read a story of a lady who after all the ART treatments not working, decided to be childless. She said it works for her and she just spoils her neice and nephews and she and her dh enjoy traveling. I just don't know if I want to be a member of the childless club. Will I ever really be able to say that I am content with being childless? Or will I continue to "try" in some sense of the word until the day menopause hits? And either way how will i ever be content not being an official memeber of the mother's club? Seeing even more of what I am missing.
These are the questions I ask myself while trying to balance being an IF'er and watching my friends and family continue their lives with children.

So a few weeks ago I set up a website for my new business. I am going to be making custom scrapbooks. I decided to do this to make extra money to pay for treatments and possibly adoption if it comes to that.

So if you have thousands of pictures sitting around just waiting to be made into something beautiful give me a holler. I would love to help you out. Here is the link to my website.
http://www.pictureitscrapbooks.com/

The amazing Mel over at Stirrup Queens just came up with an amazing idea. She has started compiling a list of IFer's who are selling things or providing services to raise money for IF treatment or adoption. I think this is a great idea. So if you are struggling with IF and need some extra funds come up with something to sell and tell Mel about it. I have already seen an adorable baby sweater I may have to buy for a friend. So click on the link that is on my side bar and start shopping. Check back often as new business will be added.