I have noticed in life that there are these "clubs" that people are members of. Here are some examples of clubs: religion, parenting style, age group, infertilty, pg loss, single, married, and so on and so forth. Some clubs I am a memeber of include: infertilty, pg loss, married, christian, late 20's, animal lover... Some of these clubs actually have scheduled meetings where the members get together. Like i have been to a pg loss club meeting and I have a friend who has started attending meetings about her parenting style. But most of the clubs are not defined by meetings. They seem to be defined by life. Wherever I am in life is what club I am in. Since I'm married I am a member of the married club.
Seriously, I am getting to my point I promise. Anywho, there is a club of mothers. Women who actually have little ones running around. This is a club I am not a member of. I have been giving my memebership card 4 times and have lost each and every time. So now I sit on the sidelines and watch this invisible club meet in front of me. Sometimes it is just too hard to watch and my heart just breaks even more. Thankfully those days are the minority. It seems that I usually do pretty well just sitting on the sidelines watching all that I am missing.
I recently read a story of a lady who after all the ART treatments not working, decided to be childless. She said it works for her and she just spoils her neice and nephews and she and her dh enjoy traveling. I just don't know if I want to be a member of the childless club. Will I ever really be able to say that I am content with being childless? Or will I continue to "try" in some sense of the word until the day menopause hits? And either way how will i ever be content not being an official memeber of the mother's club? Seeing even more of what I am missing.
These are the questions I ask myself while trying to balance being an IF'er and watching my friends and family continue their lives with children.