A Day in The Life of a Moody Person

Life continues to be crazy and chaotic. So much is in my brain right now and I will try to do my best to put it into some form that you can understand.

I have been thinking a lot lately how having an unemployed husband and being on the verge of financial ruin is much like having a miscarriage. It seems Josh and I are standing in one spot watching the world continue to spin around us. People are buying houses/cars, going on vacation, having babies, all while we just hope we have enough money to pay the bills AND buy the baby some food. It is a really odd reality that we are living in at the moment. It is hard to wrap my head around the fact the a highly educated man cannot find a job making more than 8.50 an hour.

There was a time just merely a week ago when I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. We had some one interested in our house (it was between ours and another) and Josh had a job interview with an architecture firm in Amarillo. Finally it was all going to work out, or so I thought. Apparently the people chose the other house since we have heard nothing from their realtor. As for the interview, well it went exceptionally well. They actually offered Josh the job, making $20,000 less than he made at his last job. We thought and prayed and Josh gave them a counter offer...they declined. So now what do we do?

This article is so very interesting. I find many problems with the government even giving the NEA money. Why does the govt need to give money to starving artists? I mean I understand they are having a hard time right now, but seriously. What about starving architects. My husband has been unemployed for 6 months with not much hope at the moment of getting a job that makes more than 8.50 and hour, which by the way does not support a family of three. All he is seeing of the stimulus money is $25 extra in his unemployment, while these "artists" are getting $25,000. Something sounds really wrong with that too me. And I know that art is a relative term, but I would not consider this art.

Stimulus Bill Funds Go to Art Houses Showing ‘Pervert’ Revues, Underground PornographyBy Joseph AbramsFox NewsThursday, July 30, 2009
Talk about a stimulus package.
The National Endowment for the Arts may be spending some of the money it received from the Recovery and Reinvestment Act to fund nude simulated-sex dances, Saturday night “pervert” revues and the airing of pornographic horror films at art houses in San Francisco.The NEA was given $80 million of the government’s $787 billion economic stimulus bill to spread around to needy artists nationwide, and most of the money is being spent to help preserve jobs in museums, orchestras, theaters and dance troupes that have been hit hard by the recession.
But some of the NEA’s grants are spicing up more than the economy. A few of their more risque choices have some taxpayer advocates hot under the collar, including a $50,000 infusion for the Frameline film house, which recently screened Thundercrack, “the world’s only underground kinky art porno horror film, complete with four men, three women and a gorilla.”…We can’t afford to make perfect the enemy of the absolutely necessary,” Obama said at the time.
But he presumably didn’t intend to have stimulus money help fund the weekly production of “Perverts Put Out” at San Francisco’s CounterPULSE, whose “long-running pansexual performance series” invites guests to “join your fellow pervs for some explicit, twisted fun.”
CounterPULSE received a $25,000 grant in the “Dance” category; a staffer there said they were pleased to receive the grant, “which over the next year will be used to preserve jobs at our small non-profit.”…One project that has received past NEA funding and stands to get an additional boost from a $25,000 stimulus grant is “The Symmetry Project,” a dance piece by choreographer Jess Curtis.
The show depicts “the sharing of a central axis, [as] spine, mouth, genitals, face, and anus reveal their interconnectedness and centrality in embodied experience,” according to a description offered on Curtis’ Web site.
In the flesh — and there’s a lot of it — it amounts to two people writhing naked on the floor, a government-funded tango in the altogether.
Curtis said that diminished support from regular funders like San Francisco Grants for the Arts “would mean lots less work and less ability to organize … to get the work out in front of people.” He said the NEA funding will help keep his art afloat.
Nice! Obama preserves jobs for pornographers

http://www.floppingaces.net/2009/07/30/nea-gave-stimulus-to-fund-porn/

Maddie's parents have started a non profit organization in her name. It his to help parents who have babies in the NICU. Also, right now they are giving away a new Dell notebook, so buy some raffle tickets.

"Seriously it has been over 4 years, enough already, and you have a perfect little boy now too." This is the thought that continues to go through my mind whenever I blog, talk, think about my losses.
So to get my brain out of it's rut I will talk about that adorable little boy that I have. He is almost 8 months old now, can you believe it? I can't. He is up to 3 meals a day of solid food. He eats a ton. He is not crawling and doesn't seem to care, but he rolls like a champ and scoots a little too. He can always seem to get to what he wants to go. He is such a happy baby. I went to corner bakery today and 4 people commented on how happy he was. One lady even thanked me saying she needed a good smile. That just melts my heart when my son can bring joy to others.

He weighs almost 20 pounds now, not sure how long he is, I need to measure him. He loves the dog and the cats. If I am trying to feed him and the dog comes in forget about it. He watches to dog with this huge smile on his face. I can't wait for the days that they can play together. They will be great friends.

We have started using his car walker a lot more. Anytime I need to get something done I just put him in it. He loves to move around the house and try to chase the cats.

Here are a few of his 6 month pics

In other Moody news Josh got a job! Now before you all get too excited let me just say it is a "we seriously need some money" job not a "i could do this as a career" job. He is working at the new Kirklands in Mansfield as a stock supervisor. Which basically means he is in charge of the stock room and unloading all the trucks. He started on wednesday and will be working until tuesday when they open. Then he should be working about 25 hours a week. It is hard work and not great money, but hey it's a job.

In house news nothing is going on. We have had one family look at it twice and they told our realtor that we were on their short list. I told Josh it must be nice to have so many options and get to take your sweet time deciding which house you want. I really hope it is still a buyers market when we buy our next house.

I guess that's all. I really hope people still read this blog...

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They say time heals all wounds, but that doesn't mean the memory is gone. Being over 4 years since my first miscarriage I can attest that the pain has lessened, but the memory of those days and the words that were spoken are still fresh.

Maybe it's because I have suffered so much loss myself, but for some reason I am drawn to stories that break my heart. I want to help in some way, but I just don't know how. I feel it is my lifes calling to help women through the pain of infertility, miscarriage, infant death. I am just not sure the how, when or where. Sometimes I feel like I am so wrapped up in my own little world I don't know what is going on around me. I need to get out of myself and do something for someone else.

I have read Adrienne's blog about her son Noah for a long time. Her story is so sad but so uplifting at the same time. She has taken the pain of losing her son to do wonderful things for the world and for the kingdom of God.

I stumbled across Angie's blog about her daughter Audrey Caroline about a year ago. The strength and courage Angie had to carry Audrey to term knowing she would not survive. The beauty of the whole story just brings tears to my eyes.

And recently I started reading Heather's blog about her daughter Madeline a couple months ago after I heard of Maddie's unexpected passing. Her story breaks my heart. Her pain is so real and raw and she is not afraid to share it. She also loves to share stories and videos of Maddie. I love to watch the videos with Kai. He just smiles at Maddie, she was such a beautiful little girl.

And just now I stumbled onto this Caringbridge site about Kate. Kate is 5 and was diagnosed with a brain tumor just a few weeks ago. Her battle is just beginning and it will be long and hard. Her parents are fighting right along with her. They are crying out to God for the health and life of their daughter. My heart breaks for them. No parent should have to watch their child go through cancer.

This morning I found myself at youtube watching videos of Maddie when I noticed so many other "in memory" vidoes of babies and children. There really is so much loss and pain in this world. So many people having to say goodbye to children too early. I torture myself by watching these videos and feeling the raw emotions myself. My heart cries out for these families.

I know this post is pretty much a downer, and I guess that is where I am right now. There are just days when the grief and sadness take over. The memories of what I have lost flood over me and then I see that others have lost so much too. The world is so hard and so unfair. But it is in times like these that I have to remember how good God is . He loves us and cares for us. He hates all that we have to go through here on earth, but that is the price of free will I guess. I will continue to thank him for the lives of these children, all that they touched in such a short time. And I will continue to get on my knees and pray for the ones still fighting.

It's very late, or I guess you could say it is very early and I am awake. I feel tired, I would like to be asleep, but an upset stomach is keeping me awake.

Here's some honesty for ya...

• I have been avoiding church because I am not wanting to make new friends that I will have to say goodbye to very soon, it is hard enough thinking about saying goodbye to the ones I already have.
• I have been avoiding church because I feel guilty for not truly trusting God to give me a baby.
• I seem to have become a recluse. I don't know how it happened but I rarely go out and sometimes I am really ok with that because it takes too much energy to go out, but other times it makes me really sad.
• I hate being in this place of limbo, waiting to sell the house and move. I am ready to start fresh. I am ready to be near family again. But at the same time I am not ready to leave all this behind.
• It is oddly easy for me to trust God with josh's job and our finances.
• I miss working. I don't miss actually going to work, but I miss being a part of something.
• I want to go back to college, but I have no idea what I want to get my degree in.
• Josh and I were going to go on a cruise with some friends for our 10th anniversary, but with our current financial situation that is not gonna happen and that makes me a little angry at all the people who caused this financial crisis.
• I never knew that having a baby would be so much fun.
• My dad's birthday is today. I want him to know how thankful I am to him for Kai, but words and actions can't seem to express the depth of my gratefulness.
• My baby brother will turn 19 next friday and that makes me feel really old.

We are getting desperate here in Moody land. Josh has been unemployed for almost 5 months and funds are starting to run pretty thin. We have been living off of our tax return, which I am so thankful that we got, but it is almost gone.

Josh has applied for many jobs in Amarillo, but there were two that looked really good. He actually interviewed for one, but since then both places are under a hiring freeze (thank you Fort worth Bell Helicopter for deciding to strike!).

So we are still stuck in limbo land. Do we stay here and josh gets some random job (ie: bestbuy, walmart) or do we go ahead and move and he gets a random job in Amarillo? Do we want our house to be empty? We will have to pay someone to water the flowers, take care of the yard and take care of the pool. If we wait too long to move home my MIL will be going back to school and I don't want the stress of starting school and us moving to be happening at the same time. Why is no one looking at our house? It is the cheapest one in the neighborhood and has the biggest yard and a pool.

So many questions and basically no answers. Life is just a little complicated right now. I am working on trusting God through all of this. I know 100% that I am not in control of anything that is going on here. I know he has a plan and it wil happen in his time, just like everything does. I also know that we will be ok. We have family who loves us and will help us if need be. And foreclosing on our house is not the end of the world (even though I started to get watery eyed as I typed it).

Ok, now I'm full fledge crying. It's the stress. It is getting to be a little overwhelming. And I feel so bad for Josh. This has been so hard on him. He is such a great guy, and not getting a job has nothing to do with his abilities, it is just the crappy economy. But I'm sure for guys losing and job and not being able to find another really messes with your ego and pride.

So all we can do is wait and trust. Ask God for answers to the hundreds of questions we have and just go the way we feel him leading. At this moment we think we are staying put and josh is currently looking for some random job.