**As you can see I changed my blog background AGAIN!!  I like to change it, because it's something I have control over.  Anywho, I changed it to poppies.  I had a dream the other night that I got a tattoo and it was 6 poppies, but only one of them was full and open.  I am currently saving up money to get said tattoo.  I am super excited about it...ok, now back to our regularly scheduled blog post!!**

I am currently on a weight loss journey.  It's a  journey I have started numerous times but never finished...mostly because I lack self-control, discipline and motivation, all the things that make losing weight even possible.

I have thought I was/or been overweight for most of my life.  It runs in my family (these days whose family does it not run in?).  I don't really remember ever being skinny, I always had a little bit of a belly.  I can clearly remember a conversation I had with my mother.  I asked her what I needed to do about my little tummy because I was unhappy with it.  She told me not to worry because I would thin out when I started my period.  My period began when I was 10 (I know it's early and it sucked) so this convo happened before I was 10.  But unfortunatly my mother was wrong.  My body shape didn't change when I started my period.

Recently I found my childhood diary.  Sadly there is an entry in there about me needing to lose weight...I was only 13.  Now at this time I was not fat.  I was not skinny either, I was just normal.  But of course I didn't look like what society considered thin so I was always self concious about my body. 

So this desire to lose weight started over 20 years ago.  And here I sit so much further away than I was then.  I can pinpoint exactly when I gained all this weight that I now really do need to lose.  I don't know how much I weighed when I got married, but I was still wearing all my high school clothes, so I guess I hadn't gained any in the 2 years since graduating.

After Josh and I got married I got a new job.  Sadly after 2 years the store I was working at closed and I was unemployed for 3 months...that is when it began.  I remember waking up one morning and realizing I had gained some weight.  Of course those 3 months would have been a perfect opportunity to work out and get in shape, but instead I was worried and depressed and when I am those things I eat!!

Fast forward to the first time I got pregnant.  I know how much I weighed then and it is much less than I weigh now.  Then I was only about 15 lbs higher than the suggested weight for my height.  That 15 would have been really easy to lose...sigh.  I was only pregnant for 12wks, but I gained 10lbs in that time.  I worked all day and was exhausted by the time I got home, so we mostly ate out for those 12wks.  Of course then I had a miscarriage and depression set in and my eating habits continued as they had most of my life.

Add to all of this 3 more miscarriages, anti-depressants and fertility medicine and you can imagine what happened.  Luckily, my pregnancy with Kai didn't add to my weight issues.  I gaine 25lbs when pregnant with him and lost them all the day I had him.  Wish I could lose another 25 that easily!!!

Why is she telling us all this you ask.  Because I need it out there.  I need the accountability of others knowing.  I am serious this time about losing the weight.  I feel different, this journey feels different.  I know that if I continue as I am I will just continue to gain weight...thus being unhealthy, maybe not being able to have another baby and not living long enough for the one that I have.  Also, with my PCOS I am pre-diposed to diabetes and heart disease, I don't need to keep making it easy for those things to happen.

So here is the plan...

1. Join weight watchers. DONE
2. Stop eating suger. STARTED
3. Start working out either at home, at the apt gym and/or join crossfit.  I will probably do a combination of these.

It's a pretty easy plan, getting off my butt and doing it is the hard part!!  But I have started and I am serious and I AM going to lose this weight.  I have told myself I cannot have another child until I get down to a certain weight and boy am I soooo ready for another baby.  So there you have it.  Feel free to ask how or what I am doing.  I want to be honest with myself and everyone else too.

Oh, BTW, down 4.8 pounds already!!!!

Sorry I have sucked at posting...between the holidays and everyone in my house being sick, twice, life has been pretty chaotic.

Chirstmas was great.  It was wonderful seeing my brother and SIL and meeting my beautiful neice.  She is just precious.  Sadly, because of sickness I didn't get to hold her nearly enough. 

My 95 year old great grandmother is here.  It's great seeing her, but I see how much she has aged in the last year and it makes me sad to know she won't be here much longer.  Years ago we started doing a 4 generation of women picture.  Once Kai came along we added him to the pic and this year we added my brother and neice.  We also added my other brother because we are pretty sure grandma won't live long enough for him to have kids and we wanted him to be in the picture...it's very bittersweet.  I have never had anyone really close to me die, which I am extremely thankful for.  But I know that her days are coming to a close sooner than I would like.  It's something I think about too much and that just makes me so sad. 

Ok on to happier moments...Kai is doing great.  He was so funny at Christmas.  He actually got tired of opening presents.  By the 3rd time we had to open all of them for him.  He of course got way too much stuff.  I have been putting off cleaning and organizing his room but I really need to get it done before school starts next week.

I have been watching Maverick.  Meg went back to work this last week and we are splitting him between me and his grandma.  He is such a cutie and a really good baby too.  He had a bunch of tests done this week, so hopefully next week we will find out that he is cancer free!!!

That's about all.  I have a post in the making about my shortcomings and my desires for change in my life...it should be riveting!!!