It's fall, I love fall.  Almost as much as I love spring!!  Fall is beautiful and crisp and smells of pumpkins and apple cider.  Fall is also when Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month is and where 4 of my due dates are.

This time of year always finds me being contemplative. Thinking of what I lost and what I have.  All those years of infertility and loss and I now have a beautiful, precious, adorable son.  Kai is my dream come true and is a miracle sent here straight from heaven.  But his life doesn't negate all those that came and went before him.  Yes the pain is less and thoughts are fewer, but it is still all there...just right under the surface, waiting to flood me again. 

Maverick being in the hospital has reminded me a lot of my losses.  How I would have a miscarriage and then for some reason the world would keep spinning and I would be sitting there in the middle of my grief watching it all go by.  Wondering why no one else felt the way I felt.  I feel that with Maverick too.  How can the world keep going while he is fighting for his life?  But it does and I think that was a hard lesson for me...I guess it still is.

I still think of the should be's, could be's, would be's all the time.  I don't mention it much to people because I am afraid of the "shouldn't she be over that by now",and "she has a kid now so what's her problem".  So I continue to grieve silently for all those babies and all those dreams that will never be. 

I recently stumbled upon two very wonderful sights that I want to share with anyone who may be reading.  One is Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope.  It is a place where women can tell their story about their baby/babies.  A place where hopefully together we can show the world that baby loss does happen all the time and the women who experience the tragedy of losing their child deserve to be heard and their babies deserve to be respected.



This same group also has a sight called I AM THE FACE.  If you are the face of miscarriage, stillbirth or infant death please submit your picture and the names(s) of your child.   I added my picture and the names of my 5 beautiful babies are now on the list.  The movement has started and the taboo is being shattered.

Maverick is stable.  He has now had one round of Chemo and one round of Radiation.  Currently his liver has not shrunk in size and is not functioning correctly.  He did finally poop which is wonderful since he has had no bowel sounds since surgery.  They took him off of sedation a few days ago and yesterday took him off the ventilator.  He was off for about an hour and didn't do well breathing on his own.  He was unable to take any deep breaths.  Because of that they reintubated him and thus had to resedate him.  He is now basically on all the same drugs he was on right after surgery.

Megan did get to hold him yesterday which was wonderful.  And she going to insist on holding him everyday even if it does take 30 min to get him out of his bed and all his cords organized.  Please continue to pray.  Pray that his liver would shrink and that it would start to function properly.  Pray for peace and strenghth and comfort for Megan and Ryan.  I can't even imagine how hard this is for them. 
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In other news WE ARE MOVING!!!  I am soooo super excited.  We signed a lease on an apartment.  It's kinda weird and sad to be moving into an apt after owning a house for 10 years.  But I don't really care.  I am quickly learning that less is more.  And any place where we can be a family again is a great place.  Money and big houses and nice cars and name brand clothes and all that junk really doesn't matter.  I have a wonderful husband and a beautiful son and as long as I am in the same place as them I am more happy than I can ever express.

30 Childhood Cancer Facts


1. One in every 330 American children will be diagnosed with cancer before age 20.
2. The average high school has 2 students who are cancer patients or survivors. One in four elementary schools has a child with cancer.

3. Cancer is the leading cause of death by disease in children under the age of 15 in the US.

4. The causes of most childhood cancers are unknown. It can not be prevented.(Many adult cancers result from lifestyle factors such as smoking, diet, occupation, and other exposure to cancer-causing agents)

5. On average, 36 children in the US are diagnosed each day with cancer.

6. Childhood cancer occurs regularly, randomly and spares no ethnic group, socioeconomic class or geographic region. In the US, the incidence of cancer among adolescents and young adults is increasing at a greater rate than any other age group, except those over 65.

7. Childhood cancer research is vastly and consistently underfunded.

8. Chemotherapy was first shown to be effective in childhood cancer.

9. The discovery of the first tumor suppressor gene occurred in children with cancer.

10. The National Cancer Institute’s budget is $4.8 Billion. The total for all grants related to childhood cancer is $173 Million. That’s only 3.6% of the federal governments cancer budget. Aren’t our kids worth more than that?

11. Some types of childhood leukemia have survival rates over 90%. Some types of brain tumors have a 0% survival rate. If it’s your child, it’s either 0 or 100%. Anything else means nothing.

12. Overall, nearly 80% of children diagnosed with cancer survive. While 80% on a test is pretty good, the deaths of one out of every 5 children diagnosed is not.

13. Two-thirds of children who are cured of cancer in childhood end up with at least one long-term health problem arising from their treatment. One-third have severe complications such as mental retardation, lung damage or congestive heart failure. In all, they are four times as likely to have serious health problems as their siblings.

14. The Children’s Oncology Group/CureSearch is an NCI funded pediatric cancer research cooperative group. They treat over 90% of US kids diagnosed with cancer. St. Jude’s Research Hospital has a world class public relations dept, and they do excellent research, but they don’t treat nearly as many kids as CureSearch-COG doctors do.

15. 10,400 children are diagnosed with cancer every year. 2,000 of them die each year.

16. Become a regular blood donor. Kids in cancer treatment often need blood products.

17. Over the past 20 years, there has been an increase in the overall rate of childhood cancer.

18. Leukemias and brain tumors are the most common types of childhood cancer accounting for more than half of all diagnoses.

19. There is no “good” cancer. Never, ever say this to a parent.

20. Treatment for the most common types of leukemia goes on for over 3 years. Most adult cancer treatment is counted in months.

21. Just because a child’s hair has grown back, does not mean that treatment is over.

22. Adolescents and young adults have a higher rate of survival when treated on pediatric treatment plans compared to adult plans.

23. Cancer is not contagious.

24. Children in treatment often have lowered immune systems and can’t fight off simple germs like colds and flu. Stay away if you’re sick.

25. Childhood cancer effects the whole family. If you can, befriend a sibling-they could use the attention and support.

26. Research is the only hope for finding a cure for childhood cancer.

27. What not to say to a parent: What did you do to cause the cancer? Have you tried (fill-in-the-blank herbal cure)? I don’t know how you do it-I could never handle it. (real quotes)

28. A parent may have a smile on their face as they talk to you, but that doesn't mean they don't cry in the night, it only means that they are trying to make you comfortable so that you will keep talking to them. Families in cancer treatment become very isolated. After a while, they stop telling you how their child really is when you ask, because they learn that people want to hear “fine” and move on.

29. Send jokes to the family effected by cancer. Nobody needs to laugh more than someone hanging out on a kids cancer ward.

30. If your child is a friend of a child with cancer, encourage that friendship. Kids with cancer miss a lot of school and need friends to keep them connected.
 
copied from http://dccandlelighters.blogspot.com/2010/09/september-is-childhood-cancer-month.html

I have been spending a LOT of time at the hospital this week.  I am so extrememly thankful that I have two wonderful grandmothers that are willing to watch Kai for me so I can be there for Megan.  I don't realize how being there all day is so exhausting until I get home and crash.  It's like I have to be on all the time so I can do whatever it is that she needs me to do. 

This whole thing with Megan's sister dying and now Maverick being so sick has really given me some perspective.  All the "important" stuff and all the stuff I worry about really isn't that big of a deal.  Life is just so short and so fragile. 

I sent meg a message telling her that no one else besides God can help her through this time.  And it is true and something I need to keep reminding myself about.  I can't tell her that Maverick is going to be ok because I truly don't know the answer to that question...no on does.  But I can tell her that God is there and that He loves her unconditionally and more than she will ever know.  And that when she weeps he catches her tears and He weeps with her.  That He knows what it is like for her to see her son suffer.  That He understands the pain in her heart.  That He has His arms wrapped around her as tight as He can.  That He is the only constant thing in this world and truly the only thing that she can count on.