I have been trying really hard to stay positive lately and remember all the blessings in my life.  I think I have been doing a pretty good job at this that is until today. 

I had been feeling a little low lately just because it seems like everyone around me is pregnant.  We went to a different wallyworld the other day and I swear there were a 100 pregnant women there.  I am sooo ready for another one.  I have always wanted at least 3 kids but would prefer 4 but I also wanted to have them all by 35...I'm 32.5 and don't feel like I'm even close to have two kids.

Tonight I was on the back porch looking for something when I found a basket of cloth diapers that didn't make it to the shed for some reason.  They were soaking wet (the plants were on the porch for the winter) and all moldy.   Josh had to throw them all in the dumpster.  I felt like that pile of wet, moldy diapers represented my dream of having more children, and it went in the dumpster with them

I just am having a "feeling hopeless" day.  I think I am allowed them every once in a while considering my life is not going at all how I had planned it.  Don't misunderstand me, I love Kai with all that I am and my life would be wonderful if he was my only child.  But I would always feel like someone was missing and I just don't think I could be content.  I have so many dreams for my family and all of them include siblings for Kai. 

I know that my desire to have all my kids before 35 might be unrealistic, but I was just hoping that one plan I made would actually work out.  I never ever wanted to have children when I was 40.  But I guess my choices are having more children when I'm older or not having any more children.

My fear is that after 35 I am automatically high risk, which I'm kinda high risk anyways.  And my chance of a miscarriage goes up significantly the older I get.  Trying to have a kid under normal circumstances is terrifying to me, but uping my statistics scares me even more.  So many things to think about.