Let me first say that I seriously love being pregnant. Of course there are things about pregnancy that I don't really like. But the good out weighs the bad everytime.

The one thing I don't like about being pg is how freaking paranoid I am. There are moments where I am blissfully happy. Moments where I think about giving birth and bringing this little Turkey home.

But there are also moments when my mind goes the other way. This morning was one of those. I have gotten used to Kai kicking me when I wake up and roll over or use the bathroom. But this morning he didn't. I felt no movement. I'm sure a person without my history and knowledge wouldn't think twice. But it sends me into a tailspin of emotion and it is crazy how quickly my brain can go places I don't want it to go. So I lay there praying to God that all is well and that he will kick as the knot in my stomach grows and grows. I finally wake Josh up, slightly embarrassed by my paranoria, to break out the doppler. He is very understanding and of course we find that beautiful heartbeat right away.

This is just another way that I have been robbed of the blissful pregnancy. I have gone through too much. I am too informed and I know exactly what can go wrong. There are no guarantees at the end of this road and that terrifies me.