HCG went to 205, which is double plus one. That is a doubling time of 48 hours which is good. I guess i just hoped it would do more than double. But I'm content that it is going up as it should. I really don't think I will be able to completely let down my guard until 12wks. That is my milestone. I have never made it that far. Seeing a heartbeat is going to be wonderful. But I know that an HB doesn't mean baby is ok. I would have seen an HB with my first loss if I had gone to the dr sooner.

Speaking of HB. The first sono is 3/11. Which I equate as an eternity from now. I have had 2 first sonos and both have been horrible, and heart wrenching. So I am a little leary of this step. I want so bad to see that HB, it will be one of the best moments of my life. I just have a fear that the past will repeat itself.

I really hate being so worried and stressed out about this pregnancy. I just wish I could enjoy it, and I am trying my hardest to. I was doing really well until today when they called with the new numbers. I guess I was hoping for more than 205 and now that I have a sono scheduled it means this is really happening. I am really pregnant and there is a possibility that this will turn out as all the others have. But, it could also turn out completely different which is what my heart is trying to focus on.

It looks as though I might be pregnant!!! I actually started testing at 7dpo. So for 6 days I have been getting positive tests. Until today they were all super duper light. I actually had to hold them under the lamp and at just the right direction to see them, but they were there. Todays was much darker, and that made me feel good. I was getting a little worried.

So beta today was 102. I go back on thursday for a repeat draw and pray that it doubles or more. Then about 2 weeks after that I will have my first sono, if I don't call and try to get in sooner!!!

Thanks everyone who was thinking of me and sent me emails. I really appreciate it that I am not alone in this!

PSA ahead: I have very strong opinions about vacc.inations. I am not going to go into it here, but if you want to know what I think feel free to email me. Ok, on to the PSA. I just ask when you get a vaccination for you or your children please use common sense. If you have been sick or have had a life threatening illness please do not get them. Your immune system is already suppressed and then you shoot it full of a live virus. Doesn't sound like a good combo to me. Ok that's all I'm gonna say. I'm off my soap box now.
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Did everyone see the lunar ecplispse the other night? Josh and I laid in the hammock for almost an hour watching the moon. Sadly it was a very cloudy night so it wasn't as magnificent as it could have been. But it was still a nice time, to just be together. One thing I notice about our relationship is that we do not take our childless state for granted. We enjoy getting to do as we please, but don't get me wrong, we will be more than happy to adjust to a baby!!

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Kathy asked me what my avatar means. Well, it doesn't really mean anything. It is a picture of several blown glass bowls and platters. I am a huge fan of glass blowing. And these were done by my favorite artist, Dale Chihuly. A couple years ago Josh bought me one of Dale's books signed by him. It was a great gift. So avatar has no meaning I just think it is beautiful.
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We got a dog door for Chip and he has found his independence. When we first got it he didn't realize he could come and go as he pleased. He thought he had to wait for us to tell him he could. But now that he has figured it out he loves it. Anytime we get up and walk to the kitchen he grabs his ball and runs outside. Always assuming we are getting up to play catch with him. Poor dog is usually very disappointed.
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Josh and I are leaving tomorrow to go home for a funeral. Kate's (who is my BIL's girlfriend and the mother of my nephew) mother passed away on wednesday night. She had been sick for a while. Kate is an only child, and I'm thinking her mother was young, late 40's maybe. I am just so heartbroken for Kate. I can't even fathom the pain of losing your mother. And it is so sad that she didn't live to see her only grandchild's first birthday. I know it is going to be heart wrenching for Kate when Miles turns 1 and her mother isn't there. Life is just too precious, and we need to take full advantage of everyday we have.

Since starting this cycle I have been focused only on it. When I will start injections, when will we do the IUI, when will I have my beta? These are the things I'm thinking about. And I have to say that I feel much happier right now than I have been in a long time. I have hope and that just seems to make the world better.

But today I realized something. I completely forgot the anniversary of my 2nd loss. I was so busy with the IUI's on the 13th and 14th that I didn't even think about. It wasn't until today when a friend mentioned it that I remembered. I can't decide if this is a good thing or not. Is it good that I am moving on and going on with my life and thus forgetting very important dates? I kinda feel bad about forgetting. Kinda like that baby isn't as important as this baby I am trying to conceive right now. I will say I don't like any of these thoughts at all. This is a hard place to be in. Trying for a baby while trying to remember the ones lost.

For me all of my lost babies are very important. They all have a special place in my heart. And I have always said to myself that even when I do have children I will still remember them and celebrate their short lives. They will always be a part of me. But as years pass will anniversary dates come and go and I won't even notice, especially if I have other children to keep me busy?

The next few months are gonna be hard. I have two more m/c anniversaries. One in march and one in april. I know that they will be even harder if this cycle doesn't work, or worse if it does work and I lose yet another baby. It will be three years this march since I lost my first little angel. March 2nd, one of the very worst days of my life. I can remember it like it was yesterday. Last year march 2nd was redeemed a little because my friend Megan had her baby on that day and we conceived on that day too, but we all know how that turned out. So the day is tainted even more now.

It would just all be so much easier if this cycle worked and we brought home a baby, or babies in november. That is what I am praying for. That this season of suffering is over and we can walk out of the valley and onto the moutain. I am ready for the view from the mountain.

First to answer anonymous' comment on my last post. In high school I wanted to name my twins Tyler and Taylor. Taylor would of course be a girl, because I'm all about boy names for girls!!! As of now I have no idea what we would name the boy. As many of my friends know I so desperately want a girl (there would be 5 generations of women in my family if I had a girl, that is as long as my great grandmother is still alive, who happens to be 93) that I haven't even come up with boy names. Actually that's not true. Josh and I cannot agree on boy names. I have wanted to use Elijah for a long time, but also want to use Joshua for the middle name and that doesn't flow well. So I guess when the time comes Josh and I will have to find some middle ground!!

I hope all had a great valentines day. I read something interesting on Certainly not cool enough to blog. She said that Valentine's day is to singles as Mother's day is to the bereaved and childless. I completely agree. Maybe we all should have a little more tact and love for our single, bereaved/childless friends on those certain holidays.

Ok moving on...Josh and I have a vday tradition. Actually, this is only the 2nd year, but I really hope it becomes a yearly tradition. With our friends Donna and her husband, we book hotel rooms somewhere in the area and go to a fancy dinner. Last year we stayed at some hotel in dallas, don't remember the name. But we had dinner at the Ana.tole!!! They have a 5 star restaurant on the 27th floor overlooking dallas. And boy was it nice and fancy. And pricey! We are scaling it down a little this time. But it will still be fun to get away.

February 25th is already a good day in my book. It's the day Levi will make his grand entrance into this world. It is also the day that I will find out if this IUI cycle worked...11 days from now. That is one great thing about my RE, I don't have to wait the average 2 weeks. But still the waiting is agonizing.

Wednesdays IUI went great. Josh's count was off the charts. I was a little worried about it because of my low pregnancy rates. But I worried for nothing. Josh is so wonderful. He said he was a little sad his count was so good because he wanted to share in the burden of our infertility, he didn't want it all to be my fault. That was so sweet of him. The procedure went well too. I was worried because of my failed saline sono experience. But the nurse did a great job.

Today's procedure didn't go as smoothly. It took her longer to get the cathater in and it was a lot more painful. But she got it done. They did a sono afterwards which showed I had already ovulated the two follicles. So we have done all that we can. Its up to them now!!! Hopefully they will meet each other and be the best of friends.

Oh, I forget to tell ya that my friend Diane had a dream that I had twin girls. And a couple nights ago I had a dream that I had twins, a boy and a girl. I remember back in high school coming up with names for the twins I would have. I have always wanted twins and I guess now my chances are very likely.

February 25th please come quickly...

So here we go. I will be doing an IUI on wed and thur. I have two mature follicles (i really wanted more than two, but I'll take it) on the left side. Right side was a little spare this time around!! I am very excited and terrified all at the same time. This is all new to me. I have walked the road of IF for over three years now, but this is my first real medical intervention. I mean the fact that my child may be conceived and my husband won't even be there! So if you are the praying type will you send one up for me that this will work and I will be bringing home a baby in November.

I have been working on a post about the Business of Being Born, which I saw this weekend, but I can't seem to get it right. So for now I'll say if it is showing in your area try to see it and if not then rent it when it comes out in March. It is eye opening to say the least.

Saw the RE again today. Acutally, I didn't see her, just one of her nurses. Anywho, we did another E2 level and a sono. I got clarification on the number from Sunday. It was 40.1. I asked her if that was too low and she said not necessarily. She said because of my PCOS they stim really slowly. They aren't overly concerned about my E2 level as much as they are follicle growth.

Soooo....today I had 6 follicle between 8-10 which is really good for cd10. My E2 level went up to 60 something. So I am to alternate my dosage between 75 and 50, then go back Saturday for another E2 and sono.

So things are happening, and I'm excited. I was really happy to see the left ovary stepping up and showing the right one who was boss. The left had 4 of those 6 follicles.

The waiting continues...

Not much going on here. On day 8 of stims. I go tomorrow for my cd10 sono and another E2 level. I had my estrogen drawn on Sunday and josh answered the phone when they called with the results. He thinks they said 40.1 or it could have been 140.1, either way that seems really low to me. Being a newbie to all this E2 stuff I called on Dr. Google for all my answers. Most of what I found said 100-200 per follicle. So neither of those numbers (40.1, 140.1) are very good. Seeing as how I would like more than one mature follicle. But alas, questions will be answered tomorrow when I have the sono. Praying the ovaries are doing their job!!

So the diet hasn't been going great lately!! But on my forum I have a Weight Loss Buddy that I have to be honest with so that is helping. Yesterday I started a strict no carb diet, which if I do get pg I hope to continue throughout the pregnancy. Doing all I can to avoid gestational diabetes!! Anywho, trying to do better on the diet and doing yoga everyday. I just bought two new yoga DVD's. I love yoga but my gym only has 2 times that are convenient for me, so now I can do it at home everyday!!

Speaking of diet. I am trying to eat more fruit. I really like fruit but I'm lazy and most of it requires some form of cutting. But grapes don't and boy are they yummy. I am having some for my afternoon snack. They are like little balls of sugar!!!!

In the three years that I have walked this road of IF and pregnancy loss I have heard about a lot of loss. Whether it be loss of fertilty or loss of a pregnancy. There is this huge support group of women online and it is wonderful. But with the good comes the bad. For these women to be supportive of each other they have to have experienced the pain of loss too. It seems there has been a lot of loss lately and I am sad to post of one that has really broken my heart.

It is Mary Ellen and Steve. I have read about their journey for about a year now and none of it has been easy. Recently ME became pregnant with 3 little girls. The pregnancy has not been easy. She even had to travel from Boston to Phoenix to do all she could to save her daughters. I am sad to say that she gave birth to all three yesterday and all have passed. She is currently fighting an infection and is on a respirator. My heart is so broken for her. There is so much pain and suffering in the world of IF and i just can't wrap my mind around it.

Please pray for ME and Steve. You can read all about their journey here: Not According to Plan.