I was leaving on a cruise to the caribbean. We were going to celebrate our 5th wedding anniversary and to make up for not going on a honeymoon. I was so excited. I had always wanted to go on a cruise. I was 25 at the time and had never seen the ocean. From the moment I saw the Caribbean I feel in love. I am now officially an ocean girl. Dh hates it because he is a mountain guy. Anyways, the cruise was amazing. The food was wonderful, the ship was so much fun and the places we visited were interesting. We went to Cancun, Cozumel, Belize City and Roatan Honduras. In Cancun I got to swim with the dolphins. It was the most amazing thing I have ever done.

This is a question that was posted on my forum and I thought it was very thought provoking. I am gonna answer it here and would love to see what others have to say about how they have been changed.

I believe that loss has made me a different person. Not good or bad different but different. I don't think I am that happy, go lucky girl I once was. One who saw her future and knew what it looked like.

I know that I still believe in dreams and miracles, but it is harder now for me to see them coming true for me. It is just easier to think other's get their desires and I don't. And I will never have a worry free pregnancy. I am too educated in all that can happen. My innocence about pregnancy has been stolen from me.

I think that loss has strengthened my marriage. Josh is such a wonderful husband and has been with me through all the crap. He has seen me at my very worst. The ugly person that I can be during suffering. He has rejoiced with me and wept with me. He has lost his children too and I know that it has impacted him in such a deep way. I am extrememly thankful that he has been by my side through it all and I know that he loves me regardless if we ever have children.

I think that loss has brought me closer to God. Which is interesting. The world tends to question God and ask him why he didn't stop bad things from happening. Granted I have asked him these things also, but I always end up remembering the truth. We live in a fallen and sinful world and bad things happen.period. I have some father issues and I believe that God has walked me through this to strenthen my faith in him. That even when my whole world seems to fall apart he is always there and loves me unconditionally. He weeps with me when i cry for my children. His heart is broken when mine is broken. He is the father that I have always wanted to have.

Loss has also given me so many more friends. Women out three who have been through the pain and sorrow and know how it feels. Who are shoulders for me to cry on. And who I can encourage through their tough times. I treasure their friendship so much, words can't express.

So how has loss changed you?

I didn't even notice I already did my 100th post. I'm sure it was something very exciting and inspiring!!!!

I just checked and it was my soapbox post. I guess that is a good one to have as my century mark.

So I have a couple of goals I want to share with you guys.

1. I really really want to have a baby before I am 30. That gives me 15 months. That should be long enough!! Ha, ha. It has been over 2.5 years!!! I guess I have high hopes.
2. I want to be able to fit into my wedding dress by my 30 birthday. So the best way for this to happen is that I get pg this cycle and then I would have 5 months after the baby is born to lose the weight. So goal two really won't happen until goal one does. I mean I will be working on losing weight right now, but when I get pg I will have to put goal 2 on hold.

So here's hoping #1 happens soon...

I was bored and reading other blogs when I got the idea to do a video montage. It's not exciting. And I'm not gonna pay for premium just so I can put captions under the photos. So if you don't know me then you won't know who anyone is!!! The first pic is Josh and our nephew Miles. The other ones with josh have me in them, so at least you will know that!!! Enjoy. Oh and I absolutely love this song.

Make an on-line slideshow at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Ok I don't know if any of you saw a recent show of Oprah that talked about women in their 30's. It was a rerun of a show from January. Anywho, Jenna was on it talking about her struggle with infertility. She is a pioneer for the rights of infertiles. Getting the word out and trying to get medical coverage for infertility. She shared her heart on that show, how shameful she feels for not being able to have a child. And do you know what Oprah said????? She said "but if you just let it go and adopt you might get pregnant". Are you freaking serious??? Jenna has been trying for 4.5 years to have a baby. And has exhausted everything medical there is out there to treat infertility. Why didn't someone tell her at the beginning that all she needed to do was adopt and she would get pg. Hell, why didn't anyone tell me that, oh wait people have. And I am gonna say right now that is one of the most insensitive things a person can say to an infertile.

First of all why is it the infertile's responsibility to adopt all the unwanted children in the world? Maybe if fertiles would learn what birthcontrol is we wouldn't have such a problem. Why should i give up my dream for a biological child because there are women out there who don't want the ones they have?

Why do people see the need for a man and woman to produce a child out of the love they have for each other as extreme. If someone had cancer you wouldn't tell them to "just let go and they might get cured". Why can someone with a disease like cancer, MS, parkinsons and on on , why is it ok for them to seek medical treatment? But a man or woman suffering from infertility(which happens to be a DISEASE that affects 7 million americans) and doing everything medically possible to make the dream of a child come true should just give up and freaking adopt?

Can I just tell you how upset I am with the way the world looks at infertility. This is not a club that I wanted to join, but nonetheless I am a member and I will be one for life. And as a member I will do all I can to educate those around me. To let them know that my desire to have a child grow inside of me and to give birth to something the love between me and my husband created is not lesser because I am infertile. I have every right in the world to spend as much money and time to try to achieve that dream. And I am not less of a person because of it. I do not have to adopt all the needy children out there. And me just giving up and relaxing isn't gonna get me pregnant.

Can I just say that this is one of those cases of "if you haven't walked a mile in their shoes". If you have never been infertile or never had a m/c you will never be able to perceive the deep sadness, inadequacy or shame that comes along with it. The thought that as a woman you are messed up because you cannot perform the function a woman was created for. Because your body hates you so much that when it does get pg it lets that baby die. The thought of what a disappointment I must be to my husband because i cannot give him a child. Had he known this before we were married would things be different? The gut wrenching heartbreak we go through every time someone around us gets pg and has a healthy baby. The disgust we feel about ourselves every time we feel jealousy towards a pg woman. These are things that I feel on a daily basis. Whether they are rational or not they are who I am. And I would say to you if you have never been there then please do not pass your judgment on those of us who have.

For some reason I find great joy in torturing myself. I do it by watching the Kellie Coffey video over and over and crying my eyes out. I do it by not cancelling my weekly emails from some baby site that is telling me what should be going on with my pregnancy. I do it by looking at the November pg club on my forum and realizing they just got moved to the third trimester.

24 weeks. That is where I should be right now. I should know the sex of my baby and feel him/her move around. I should be registering and painting my nursery. Figuring out where we are going to put the computer and the filing cabinet. Frantically sewing all the winnie the pooh fabric I have sitting in my closet. Making final decisions about names. Planning when my showers would be. Seperating and washing the boxes of baby clothes I have already been given by friends. Picking which birthing classes I want to take.

But I'm not. Instead I'm gearing up for another cycle. for more sonograms and clomid. Trying to decide if I want to spend the extra $350 for IUI or try it natural one more time. Using the monitor. Taking OPK's. Hoping I have enough strength to not take an HPT. And praying that my beta will come back positive and baby will be sticky.

This whole IF rollercoaster really gets me sometimes. I have been doing really well since my negative beta last tuesday, but today it all hit me. 31 months of blood, sweat and tears to try and have a baby. Thousands of dollars spent on meds, sonos, dr visits, gas to get to the dr, opks, hpts, preseed, monitor sticks, blood tests, d&c's, surgeries. And I don't feel any closer today to having my dream come true than I did 31 months ago.

I know the day will come when I will look back and know it was all worth it. My brain and heart know it is all worth it right now. I would do most anything if it meant bringing home a living child. But right now my heart is sad. Sad about what could have been three different times. Sad that I am not planning a two year old party, a one year old party, or gearing up for birth. Sad that so many dreams have been lost. So many tears and smiles never seen. So many opportunities gone...

Lot's of my blogger friends have been taking this personality test, so i thought i would try it out. I noticed as I answered questions that I was answering them differently now than I would have 3 years ago. I was interested how that was going to affect my personality rating. I was floored when i read "they live in a world of possibilities and can become very passionate and excited about things". that is a part of me I thought i had lost since all of this IF crap. But it is nice to see that i still do believe things can happen. So if you know me personally, do you think it sounds like me?!?!?!?

Oh here is the link if you want to take the test yourself.




"ENFPs are warm, enthusiastic people, typically very bright and full of potential. They live in the world of possibilities, and can become very passionate and excited about things. Their enthusiasm lends them the ability to inspire and motivate others, more so than we see in other types. They can talk their way in or out of anything. They love life, seeing it as a special gift, and strive to make the most out of it."

"ENFPs are energetic and enthusiastic leaders who are likely to take charge when a new endeavor needs a visionary spokesperson. ENFPs are values-oriented people who become champions of causes and services relating to human needs and dreams. Their leadership style is one of soliciting and recognizing others' contributions and of evaluating the personal needs of their followers. ENFPs are often charismatic leaders who are able to help people see the possibilities beyond themselves and their current realities. They function as catalysts."

I have been helping out Catherine with her MOM Project bracelets. The MOM project makes braclets for grieving parents. I was very excited when I heard about this and eager to help in any way. I know for me it has been so helpful to know that there are others out there who know what I am going through. So if a bracelet can help them with their grief process then my job is done. So visit the website and help out if you wanna.

Here are the bracelets I made.

Are you sure im not pg, because i sure feel like crap. So josh and I went to dinner last night so that i could drown my sorrows in mexican food and margaritas. I apparently drank my drinks too quickly because i felt awful for the rest of the night. I went to bed at 9 and then woke up at 2 and couldn't get back to sleep until almost 5. And almost all of today I have had a terrible stomach ache. So who knows what is going on.

Anywho, you should go HERE and watch the videos that were submitted for the International Infertility Film Festival. I know Annie, i didn't get mine done. I'm such a slacker. But they will do it again. I watched them last night while i couldn't sleep and they are all very good. When you are there don't forget to vote for your favorite.

Ok I promised San Francisco pics so here they are.

Here is the bridge. It truly amazes me that men built this. And without the technology we have today.















Can you see Alcatraz out there admist the fog???








This is the adorable town of Salsalito. I would like to go back there with Josh, it seems like such a romantic town.




And this was a tree I saw in Salsalito. It is absolutely beautiful with the big purple blooms. If anyone knows what it is let me know, although im sure it would never grow here.