I wanted to do this so new readers would know my history. I am putting it right here for now but some day I will figure out how to make this a link on my sidebar.

Josh and I started dating in October 1995. I was 16 (almost 17) and he was 18. He was starting his freshman year of college and I had just gotten a job. We dated for two years when he moved 6 hours away to finish college. I had graduated by this time and was starting my freshman year. In july 1998 he proposed and of course I said yes. In may 1999 we were married and I left my friends and family to move to arlington so he could finish school.

In December 2004 we started ttc. I was worried that it would take us a while since my cycles had always been messed up. I remember waking up one dec morning and realizing af had shown. My cycle had been 34 days. I ran to my computer to figure out when I would ovulate if I had another 34 day cycle. I was so excited that we were trying. On January 10th I took an hpt and got a BFP. It was two days before josh's birthday and we were on cloud nine.

Because of insurance reasons I wasn't able to see the dr until 11.5wks. The pregnancy was going smoothly. I hadn't had any spotting, bleeding or cramping. Was having some mild m/s. We saw the dr on March 2nd. We were so excited to see our little baby and heartbeat. They did a transvaginal sono and being a newbie i didn't know what to expect. The tech didn't say much and then she said this, "this is not a good pregnancy, there is no heartbeat". At that moment my world fell apart. The heart had stopped beating at 10.5 wks. Two days later I had a D&C. I didn't think that I would be able to survive that loss. But I did, somehow God pulled me through it. That loss was one of the hardest things I had ever been through. It was like reality slapped me in the face. I was not immune to the pain and hardship of the world. My childhood wasn't great. But being married to josh was the best thing and even though we had tough times we had a great marriage. I never thought that we would be the couple to suffer so much loss.

In November 2005 I saw my new Ob. She started me on clomd 50mg, estrogen and progesterone. In Febuary 2006 I got another BFP, but the spotting started the same day. 5 days later the pregnancy was over. I would have never thought I would have another m/c. but i didn't have a good feeling about the pregnancy from the beginning.

May 2006 I saw an RE. We did a ton of testing and she diagnosed me with PCOS. We did a monitored clomid cycle. I didn't even ovulate and af showed about 80 days later. I took a ttc sabattical.

In February 2007 I started seeing my RE again. She started me on 100mg clomid. In March I got a BFP. I really believed this baby was gonna stick. In April we had our first sono. There was a hb but it was slow and we couldn't hear it. The dr said that wasn't necessarily bad and to come back in three days for another sono. We went back and there was no hb at all and baby had stopped growing. I was having my third m/c and I didn't know if I would ever recover. I had a D&C because the RE wanted to do genetic testing on the baby. The testing came back negative. Which is good, becuase it means Josh and I don't have some genetic defect. But it has left questions unanswered. She wanted to do more testing before we tried again. I had more blood tests done that all came back normal. She wanted to do an SSG but was unable to get the catheter into my cervix. So instead we did a hysterscopy. She removed scar tissue from my uterus. After this we were cleared to ttc again.

In July I did my 7th clomid cycle 100mg. It was bfn. In august I did clomid cycle #8 and had a chemical pregnancy. Beta came back at 4.78 and anything under 5 is non viable. So this was m/c #4.

In January 2008 we started an IUI w/injectibles cycle. I ovulated two eggs and we did the IUI twice. On February 26th the dr called and told me I was pg. Of course we were thrilled but also cautious. At 6wks we started having weekly sonos and baby was doing great. At 8wks the dr diagnosed me with a hematoma. I started spotting that day. Luckily that only lasted for one day and when we went back 3 days later for another sono the hematoma was gone and baby was doing great.

The next day at 8wks4d I had terrible abdominal pain and was taken to the ER. I was having a heterotopic pg. That is where one baby is in the uterus and the other is in the tube. My right tube had burst and I was bleeding internally. I had an emergency lapraotomy to remove the tube and blood. Luckily, there was enough of the tube left at the uterus that they could just clip it and didn't have to mess with my uterus, thus leaving that baby unharmed.

As I write this I am almost 15wks pg. I am still amazed that I have made it this far and continue to pray that I will bring this baby home in November.

I had a lot of anger towards God after the third m/c. We had specifially prayed that I wouldn't get pg unless i was going to carry to term. He didn't answer that prayer and that made me mad. But I slowly realized that God is still good and sometimes bad things happen. I have to continue to believe that God does love me regardless of what happens in my life. And that the suffering I go through will build my character, and give me the opportunity to minister to other women in the same position.