Do you ever feel like that? That if one more bad thing happens you are going to drown? I think that is where I am. Josh's tagline on his google chat is "I miss my happy wife". That makes me cry because it is so true and I miss her too. I remember when i first met josh my freshman year of high school he gave me the nickname "Smiley". I'm amazed it was there at all given my childhood. But two years later when we started dating that smile had already started to fade. And now I think it is gone, im just wondering if it will ever come back.

So father's day, it sucks for two reasons. One is that I don't really have a father. My biological father gave me up for adoption to my step dad when I was 9. I didn't have any contact with him for 15 years. And the contact I do have right now is so surfacy and superficial that I don't know why I even waste my time. My step dad was a jerk, whom I haven't felt the need to be around in about 4 years now.

Second is that I cannot seem to make my husband a father. At least not a father to living children. He came home from church (I know he is better than me because I didn't go) sad. He told me that he said "happy father's day" to all the men and nobody said it to him. Do you know how that breaks my heart? I know that he is going to be such a wonderful daddy. I can see it with our animals, how he loves them. I never got to call anyone daddy and my heart aches to hear a little version of josh and I say it. And josh deserves to be one so bad. He has been there right next to me through all the crap.

Not looking forward to surgery on friday. The only good thing about it is that I get to be off work, and she will give me some really good painkillers. I can sleep away the pain (physical and emotional) on friday and saturday. It just seems like this journey is getting harder and harder. Everywhere I look there is another hurdle that I have to jump over. I am hoping and praying that at the end of this race there will be a baby for me to hold and love.