A Day in The Life of a Moody Person

So I am an aunt. I have wanted to post pictures of the adorable Miles Dean, but didn't have any. But since I am a super genius I just stole them from kate's(mom) myspace. So here he is in all his cuteness for you to enjoy!!!!!!!!

So surgery went well. It was nice to be having surgery without the end result being the removal of my unborn child. But on to happier thoughts. She did remove some tissue. She didn't say it was scar tissue. But some leftovers from past pregnancies, whatever that means. So I see her again in about 10 days an then hopefully we are on to TTC again!! WooHoo so we should be back in the game at the beginning of July. It feels like it has been forever since i was pg last time. I am ready to try and hopefully be pg soon.

I slept so much. I slept a total of 18.45 hours. Woo that is a lot. But I feel really good today. Had some cramping yesterday but it is all gone and I feel 100% again.

In other news I am thinking of getting my hair cut. I have been growing it out for two years now and I think i am ready to chop it off. I know that some of my friends are gonna say no, and they may be right. I am afraid i might regret wasting two years, but it is so cute when it is short. So any thoughts???

I love comments on my blog. I am a little OCD about checking and rechecking to see if anybody said something. Maybe it is a pride issue, but it makes me feel good to know that people are reading my blog and find it interesting or maybe sad enough to say something. And it is always something very nice and encouraging.

So thank you to those who read and comment. Especially those who don't know me in person. It really does make me happy. And i can use all the happy i can get right now!!!!

Do you ever feel like that? That if one more bad thing happens you are going to drown? I think that is where I am. Josh's tagline on his google chat is "I miss my happy wife". That makes me cry because it is so true and I miss her too. I remember when i first met josh my freshman year of high school he gave me the nickname "Smiley". I'm amazed it was there at all given my childhood. But two years later when we started dating that smile had already started to fade. And now I think it is gone, im just wondering if it will ever come back.

So father's day, it sucks for two reasons. One is that I don't really have a father. My biological father gave me up for adoption to my step dad when I was 9. I didn't have any contact with him for 15 years. And the contact I do have right now is so surfacy and superficial that I don't know why I even waste my time. My step dad was a jerk, whom I haven't felt the need to be around in about 4 years now.

Second is that I cannot seem to make my husband a father. At least not a father to living children. He came home from church (I know he is better than me because I didn't go) sad. He told me that he said "happy father's day" to all the men and nobody said it to him. Do you know how that breaks my heart? I know that he is going to be such a wonderful daddy. I can see it with our animals, how he loves them. I never got to call anyone daddy and my heart aches to hear a little version of josh and I say it. And josh deserves to be one so bad. He has been there right next to me through all the crap.

Not looking forward to surgery on friday. The only good thing about it is that I get to be off work, and she will give me some really good painkillers. I can sleep away the pain (physical and emotional) on friday and saturday. It just seems like this journey is getting harder and harder. Everywhere I look there is another hurdle that I have to jump over. I am hoping and praying that at the end of this race there will be a baby for me to hold and love.

So I went today for my SSG. It was gonna be nice and easy. Well so much for that. She tried about 3-4 times to get the catheter in and my uterus didn't want to have anything to do with it. So she went and got an HSG catheter which has a balloon on it. She was thinking that would stay in better, but alas it didn't. So then she said I want you to fill your bladder and then we will use the abdominal sono so she could see where she was going. So I drank a whole bottle of water and waited. By this time my legs were shaking so bad because they had been in the stirrups for so long. So she tries some more after I drink the water and she still cant get it. She tells me to cough and then i felt an awful pain. She was using something else to try and weave the catheter in. But no luck. So after 45 min and about 10 tries she says were are done.

She thinks maybe i have some scar tissue and that is what is keeping it from going in. So guess what, she wants to put me under and dialate my cervix. Sounds like lots of fun. I go in next friday so she can do it and she said if there is scar tissue then she can remove it then. So i am kinda hoping i do and that is what my problem is. I have to stay on the BCP until after this procedure. So not sure when af will show and I will get to start TTC again.

Oh infertility and recurrent m/c how I love thee!!!!

The women of my church have started a charm bracelet. It started at Diane's birthday party. They gave her a charm bracelet with a heart on it. They picked a heart because at her party we talked about what we knew was true about Diane's heart. And then Diane is suppossed to give it to a women in the church and she wears it for a month and then adds a charm that represents what God showed her. I instantly knew that she was going to give it to me first, and she did.



First off, do you know how hard it is to take what God has shown me and turn that into a charm? Not the easiest thing I've done. But I did pick a charm. It is similiar to this except that the one I picked is 3-D. I think it is very cute.



I got the flower to represent that God will turn my suffering into something beautiful. Out of all of this pain something wonderful and glorious will grow. Suffering is hard, but knowing that God will turn it into good makes it all worth it.



Oh and I know that there are no coincidences with God. So this must have some deep meaning. But today is the last day I am to wear the braclet and it just happens to have been on year ago today that the women of my church had a prayer meeting for me. This day is special.