Let me explain a little.  While Josh and I were driving to pick Kai up from his Gamma's house, we had the following conversation.  We were talking about cars and I asked Josh if the car I wanted would be able to pull a pop-up camper.  He answered my question and then I paused to think...this is what followed.

Me:  I'm a little psychotic aren't I?
Josh:  Looking at me weird...What?
Me:  Well I was just thinking about the pop-up and how I don't like that we would be at one end and Kai would be at the other.  And the only thing that is protecting him is mesh.  Anyone could cut it open and take him or worse.
Josh: Continuing to look at me weird!!!

I then had to remind him of all the boy scouts who were murdered while camping a few years ago.  Then he had to conceed that I might have a point but he did not agree.  I also had to remind him that the world our son is growing up in is NOT the world that we grew up in.

Josh is pretty used to my weirdness.  Ever since we had Kai I have been hyper vigilent to do everything to keep him safe.  I'm not saying that I hover...I still let him fall and fail so that he will learn and grow.  But when it comes to big things I tend to really, really think about them.  For instance, I will not own a house where the childrens rooms are on the front of the house and our room is either at the back or on the other side.  I hate the idea of the kids room being the easiest to break into...and then of course my mind runs wild with all the scenarios.

As I was thinking about all of this last night while I couldn't sleep, I decided that maybe I am trying to protect him too much.  I know that in the big scheme of things I cannot fully protect him.  That bad things happen everyday and they have to happen to someone.  I just think my issues is that I waited so long for him and worked so hard to get him, I would probably die if anything happened to him.  But I know this obsessing about everything is not healthy for me or him.  I really need to just trust in God and know that his plan is the best for my son's life.  But even trusting God with his life doesn't mean that he will be ok.  That is a lesson I have truly learned the hard way.  So I am going to enjoy every moment that kai and I share together and lock them away into my memory, and continue to pray that he will have a long and healthy life...and I will too!