My dad was in town this week because his sister is seriously ill.  Thankfully, it looks like she will make a full, but very slow, recovery.  He being here and her being sick got me thinking about family.  I really try to live without regret...I mean really what's the point, I can't change anything.  I try to learn and move on.  But when it comes to my dad and his family I have regrets, and unfortunately they are from decisions that were totally out of my control.  There really is no blame to be placed, everyone did what they thought was best, but lives were affected.

I know I have talked a little on here about my relationship with my dad, but let me give you a brief history.  My parents were divorced before my first birthday.  I have a few memories with my dad between then and the age of 9.  When I was nine my step-father adopted me and I didn't see my dad again until I was graduating from high school.  I accidently ran into him while leaving and it was very much a shock.  I didn't see him again until I was 24 when I decided it was time to have a relationship.

There's 15 years where I had absolutely no contact with him.  Where my heart did a great job of protecting me by not letting me think of him.  I still remember that last day I saw him when I was 9.  I thought he was going to pick me up from school at lunch.  He showed up, but so did my mom and I ended up going home with my mom, and that was it, he was no longer my dad.  I really don't think my 9 year old mind understood all that was going on, but it knew enough to not dwell on the details or the what if's.

Fast forward to today and we have a relationship and I am terribly thankful for it.  I like having him in my life.  It's been hard to adjust my vision of a dad to what our relationship is.  But I'll take it, it's much better than nothing.  There just came a time for all the anger and unforgiveness to go away.  It really wasn't doing me any good.  And I can't judge the decisions he made when he was young or his motive for doing them.  I have to remember that he too missed out on those 15 years.  He missed basketball games and band concerts, he didn't get to walk me down the aisle, he just missed out on the awesome kid that I was!!!

But I am for some reason just now realizing how much I missed out on those 15 years...cousins, aunts, grandmother.  My mom is an only child so I had NO cousins growing up.  It was just us.  My dad has 3 sisters and 1 brother, all who had children.  I know none of them.  I have a memory of a few and am friends with one on facebeook,  but that's it.  When I hear stories of Josh and his cousins it really makes me think how different life might have been.  Cousins is one of the main reasons we wanted to move back to amarillo.  I wanted Kai to have his cousin in his life, I guess maybe because I didn't get to.

And then there is my father's mom.  There was a post recently on facebook about her.  She died 4 years ago.  My cousin and aunts were talking about what a good mother/grandmother she was.  It made me sad.  It made me wonder what memories we could have made together.  I didn't know her.  I got to see her one time a few years ago, but it wasn't the same as when I was little...i didn't know her. 

I am so thankful that God allowed us to move back to Amarillo.  It was a deep desire of mine to have kai be around his family.  So I will live vicariously through my son, making sure he has a wonderful relationship with ALL his grandparents and cousins.

Let me explain a little.  While Josh and I were driving to pick Kai up from his Gamma's house, we had the following conversation.  We were talking about cars and I asked Josh if the car I wanted would be able to pull a pop-up camper.  He answered my question and then I paused to think...this is what followed.

Me:  I'm a little psychotic aren't I?
Josh:  Looking at me weird...What?
Me:  Well I was just thinking about the pop-up and how I don't like that we would be at one end and Kai would be at the other.  And the only thing that is protecting him is mesh.  Anyone could cut it open and take him or worse.
Josh: Continuing to look at me weird!!!

I then had to remind him of all the boy scouts who were murdered while camping a few years ago.  Then he had to conceed that I might have a point but he did not agree.  I also had to remind him that the world our son is growing up in is NOT the world that we grew up in.

Josh is pretty used to my weirdness.  Ever since we had Kai I have been hyper vigilent to do everything to keep him safe.  I'm not saying that I hover...I still let him fall and fail so that he will learn and grow.  But when it comes to big things I tend to really, really think about them.  For instance, I will not own a house where the childrens rooms are on the front of the house and our room is either at the back or on the other side.  I hate the idea of the kids room being the easiest to break into...and then of course my mind runs wild with all the scenarios.

As I was thinking about all of this last night while I couldn't sleep, I decided that maybe I am trying to protect him too much.  I know that in the big scheme of things I cannot fully protect him.  That bad things happen everyday and they have to happen to someone.  I just think my issues is that I waited so long for him and worked so hard to get him, I would probably die if anything happened to him.  But I know this obsessing about everything is not healthy for me or him.  I really need to just trust in God and know that his plan is the best for my son's life.  But even trusting God with his life doesn't mean that he will be ok.  That is a lesson I have truly learned the hard way.  So I am going to enjoy every moment that kai and I share together and lock them away into my memory, and continue to pray that he will have a long and healthy life...and I will too!

Weight loss is going well.  I still haven't been able to add in the exercise yet.  I am not good at time management and I desperately need to figure it out.  I have school on tue and thur and Maverick (who only sleeps for 20 min at a time) on mon, wed and fri.  I know I could go when Josh gets home, but then it is dinner time and then it is the only time I have with both of my guys and I hate to take away from that.  I know I could go in the morning, but I'm so not a morning person!!  So it's a work in progress.

But hey I have lost almost 8 pounds, so that's good...right?!?!
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Speaking of Maverick, he is doing very well.  He is terribly adorable so watching him is a ton of fun.  He had all his tests run a couple weeks ago and he is doing good.  He still has the cancer, but the drs want to just wait and watch.  This type of cancer is known for going away on it's own, after some chemo of course.  So we continue to pray for his complete healing.
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School is going great.  I am taking a botany class that I LOVE!!!  Since I want to go into agriculture it is the perfect class.  We have already done lots of fun stuff.  I am also taking history and accounting, not as fun as botany!.
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I was watching The Rookie earlier.  I happen to be in that movie.  Part of it was filmed at The Ballpark in Arlington and they needed seat fillers!!  Me and a few friends sat in the ballpark all night long and made $75!  It actually was a lot of fun.  So in the movie when the guys students walk into the ballpark the camera turns from looking at the field to looking at them.  I am on the left, about halfway up.  I am right on the aisle and wearing a green shirt.  I'm really blurry, but I'm there and that's all that matters! 

Anywho, watching the movie and seeing Arlington and the stadium made me kinda sad.  We have lived here for 17 months and arlington still feels like home.  I often think of all my friends there, of all that we left behind.  I really miss my beautiful house.  I know we made the right decision to move, but it's just hard sometimes.  What really need to do is get into a church so we can make some more friends.

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Kai is so cute right now, and can be a real toot sometimes!!!  Here's some of the cute stuff he's doing right now.

• Has started saying "I need" then insert whatever he saw on worldword, i.e. Cake or what he saw on tv, i.e. ice cream.  Right now he is telling me he "needs more juice"!!
• He likes to call his daddy Josh.  I think it's kinda funny!
• He has this blanket that his Yaya made him.  He has to have it at every nap and bedtime.  For some reason he loves the corners.  He always has to be holding the corner to go to sleep and sometimes he will rub it on his nose or forehead.  It's very odd.
• He knows all his letters, can count to 13 and knows the basic colors.  But he refuses to answer any question that I ask him regarding any of the above...thus the toot part!

I guess that's all I can think of right now.  He is starting a gymnastics class tomorrow, so I will post soon with an update on how that went and some pics.

Oh BTW right now he is telling me "i need cake"!!! He has a one track mind!