I am currently suffering from the worst headache I have had in the last 16 years.  I say 16 years because when I was 15 I was plagued by a never ending headache for over a month.  I went to bed with it every night and it was there waiting for me every morning.  It finally got so bad that I had my boyfriend take me home early one night and I cried to my mother that I couldn't take it anymore.  So we went to the pediatrician who didn't know what it was and referred us to an ENT.  They thought it was a sinus infection so they gave me meds and nothing happend.  After that we went to a neurologist and he did all kinds of weird tests, and cat scans and MRI's all to know avail.  There were no answers for my chronic headaches.  He gave me meds that I took daily to keep the headache at bay and they would work for a few months and then we would change to another one.  This went on for over a year until I finally ran out of options and he just gave me some super pain killers to take as needed.  I realized that headaches would be a part of my life and I learned to manage them and go on with my life.

It wasn't until 7 years ago that a dr. finally figured out the cause of my headaches...TMJ.  I knew I had TMJ because that same year at age 15 I went days without being able to open my mouth.  After that I was left with a popping jaw that I was only able to open so far before the pain set in.  (why no one, including myself, thought the two were connected, I'll never know)  The problem with TMJ is getting insurance to pay for any procedures.  Medical says it's a dental issue and dental says it's a medical issue.  Thus I am still plagued my painful jaw and my chronic headaches.

But this headache is totally different. The pain is in my forehead and behind my eyes.  It hurts to move my eyes from side to side.  Looking at this screen is killing me.  My mom thinks this headache is my bodies way of reacting to the grief, both physical and emotional.  I have not been sleeping well at all, and my brain never shuts off...constantly thinking about what happened and M's poor family.

There was a rosary service on tuesday with an open casket.  It was awful. She didn't look like herself.  I know the funeral home people did the best they could since there was considerable head, face and neck damage done.  Her poor children just stood there looking at her.  I cannot even fathom what it must be like to look down and see your mother lying there.  My heart is just so broken. 

The funeral was yesterday and burial was today.  I didn't go to the burial because it was out of town.  I think my body knew I was done being there for M physically for a while so it took this time for me to feel all that is going on inside of me.  And I can take it.  I'm a big girl who has dealt with more physical and emotional pain than I would ever like.

But this headache better find it's way out the door by 6 tomorrow morning.  I have to go to M's house to get her daughter ready and off to school.  She has to be at the hospital at 6:30 for an MRI for her 3 week old son.  They found out tuesday that he has a mass on his adrenal gland.  As if tragically losing her sister wasn't enough...