Have you seen the commercial for the new denim hug.gies?  If you have a baby boy buy them now and do this with them...

And then go to wally.world and make this and send it to all your friends...(blogger turned this after it uploaded and I have no idea how to fix it.  sorry but I wanted you to see the cuteness!!)

I have been trying really hard to stay positive lately and remember all the blessings in my life.  I think I have been doing a pretty good job at this that is until today. 

I had been feeling a little low lately just because it seems like everyone around me is pregnant.  We went to a different wallyworld the other day and I swear there were a 100 pregnant women there.  I am sooo ready for another one.  I have always wanted at least 3 kids but would prefer 4 but I also wanted to have them all by 35...I'm 32.5 and don't feel like I'm even close to have two kids.

Tonight I was on the back porch looking for something when I found a basket of cloth diapers that didn't make it to the shed for some reason.  They were soaking wet (the plants were on the porch for the winter) and all moldy.   Josh had to throw them all in the dumpster.  I felt like that pile of wet, moldy diapers represented my dream of having more children, and it went in the dumpster with them

I just am having a "feeling hopeless" day.  I think I am allowed them every once in a while considering my life is not going at all how I had planned it.  Don't misunderstand me, I love Kai with all that I am and my life would be wonderful if he was my only child.  But I would always feel like someone was missing and I just don't think I could be content.  I have so many dreams for my family and all of them include siblings for Kai. 

I know that my desire to have all my kids before 35 might be unrealistic, but I was just hoping that one plan I made would actually work out.  I never ever wanted to have children when I was 40.  But I guess my choices are having more children when I'm older or not having any more children.

My fear is that after 35 I am automatically high risk, which I'm kinda high risk anyways.  And my chance of a miscarriage goes up significantly the older I get.  Trying to have a kid under normal circumstances is terrifying to me, but uping my statistics scares me even more.  So many things to think about. 

Kai does sooooo many cute things that I don't always get them written in his journal, so I thought I would make a list of them here...

• when we walk from room to room you like to hold my hand.
• one day out of the blue you started fake sneezing and it is too cute.
• you used to wave by moving your hand up and down, but after spending one day with your friend Ethan you wave by opening and closing your hand
• you have started waving at inamimate objects including your bike, your car and the fan
• you have these funny different ways that you walk.  I have no idea where you got them from but they are cute to watch
• you love to point to everyones eyes, nose and mouth
• you started saying "yuck yuck" and it is adorable
• you love to chase the dog around the house and you laugh so hard while doing it
• when we are out shopping you don't like anyone to push the basket, which makes it kinda hard to shop
• you have started closing doors with your stomach, don't know who taught you that
• you love to push the lock and unlock buttons on mommies key chain
• you don't say "thank you", you just hum the sounds that the words make
• you love to move things, I have a table full of canned mushrooms and tomato sauce that you got out of the grocery bag and put on the table\
• you have this silly little laugh that you use when you think you should be laughing
• we can't water the flowers while you are outside because you love to have your hand in the stream of water all the while getting soaked and not caring
• everything is "mama" you will point to something (a lot of the time it is someones drink) and say "mama" I can't wait until "mama" is only used for me!
• sometimes you will come up to me and take my hand like you have something to show me and you will lead me in circles around the house for a few minutes
• when I'm holding you you grab my bra strap and my neclace like you are afraid I am going to drop you.  FYI I have never once dropped you
• when you hurt your leg or arm I kiss it for you and you always want me to kiss the other one too
• whenever I change your diaper you keep pointing towards the door because you are afraid I'm gonna put you down for a nap