I am sooo ready for spring to be here.  I hate this in the 70's one day and in the 30's the next.  C'mon weather make up your mind already.

We have 24 different veggies and 6 different herbs growing on the back porch.  Some of them are ready to be transplanted, but we are gonna have to put them into pots until  it is warm enough to put them in the ground.  I am super excited about our garden.  I love being able to walk to the back yard and pick something and then cook it for dinner!!!  Plus it will be all organic and free!! Here is a pic of our cute little seedlings!!

Our house still hasn't sold, but Josh and I are dreamers so we are constantly thinking, talking about our future.  Josh has decided that he wants us to build a house, as in WE build the house!!  I am all for it.  I mean Josh is an architect and he is super duper handy, so I think we can do it.  Also, we have a cousin that is a plumber and a brother that is an electrician, I'm sure they would be happy to help (sarah, don't tell aubrey yet, I will have to sweeten the deal for him to come!!).  Josh has been researching and we can build for about $35 a square foot, which is awesome.  Also, we will get everything that we want in a house.  So I am busy reading magazines and cutting out pics of things I like.

We would also like to build this house on some land, we are in the process of looking for some.  We would like at least an acre but more would be better.  We would actually be happy with about 5.  I want it to be large enough to have the backyard with the pool, play area, nice yard and deck.  We also want to have plenty of room for a huge garden, and room for some chickens, cows (which we would have slaughtered to have organic beef) and maybe some horses for the kids. 

I am super excited about all of this.  It's funny how in my old age I am changing what I want in life.  I will just be happy to work the land and feed my family.  Also, for my kids to have place go play and run and I don't have to worry about them. 

Now for Kai news.  He of course is as cute as ever.  Thankfully he has started talking a little more.  I am soo over the pointing and "uhuh".  I have no idea what the kid wants and he usually just gets frustrated with me.  So he newest word is "yes"!!  He has been shaking his head "no" for a long time, so yes helps me to know what he wants...sometimes.  We have stated going to the library to check out books and for story time.

Sooooo, I have started another blog.  I know, I already have 3 why would I need another??  Good question and the answer is " I don't need another, but I want one!!"

My new blog is called Day to day gourmet!  It is a FOOD blog!!!  I love food and all that it entails.  I love to cook and make up recipes, so I thought it would be a good outlet for me.  Visit there often as I hope to post there a lot.  And let me know what you think!!!

So my friend Donna and my SIL Sarah asked about Josh's scruffiness in the last set of pictures. In all the years I have known Josh he has never had a beard, he has had a goatie and a mustache but never a full beard. He was unsure in his ability to grow a full beard actually, but always had a desire to do so. So since at his new job he never sees anyone important and his bosses don't really care what he looks like while he sits quietly at his desk he thought he would go for it. He started around Christmas time, and actually shaved it off the day after Kai got his haircut. He was happy he tried, but decided he just isn't a beard guy. So for now he is clean shaven, but I'm sure in the near future a goatie and/or mustache will appear!!

I finally did it...took Kai to get his FIRST haircut. I really didn't want to but his hair was just getting too long and even though I would have him all dressed in blue someone would inevitably call him a girl. I can't believe how much he looks like a toddler now and not a baby...I'll admit I cried a little. They grow up so fast and I guess this was one way I was trying to keep him a baby. I will miss those mornings with him sitting in my lap and me playing with his cute, blonde curls.

Exactly 6 years ago today my journey with infertility and recurrent pregnancy loss started. I can remember the day like it was yesterday. It was my first visit with my ob and I was 11wks5days pregnant. I can remember how excited I was, I was going to have a sonogram and see my baby and it's heartbeat. Once we were finally called back we met with the nurse and went over everything and then we went to the sono room. I got undressed and got on the table then the tech got started. Being a newbie I had no idea what to expect or what was going on. I just remember silence and wanting the tech to tell me something. And then she said the words that broke my heart into a million little pieces..."this is not a good pregnancy, there is no heartbeat".

I still cry every time I think of that moment. That moment started a very long and very heartbreaking journey for me.

As often as women miscarry you would think that the drs office would be prepared, but there weren't. We had to sit in a room waiting for the dr to be free so he could talk to us. And then of course he said what all drs say after the first miscarriage "this happens a lot and there is no reason to think that next time it would happen again"...if only. After meeting with the dr we scheduled the d&c for friday (it was wednesday). I had to go to the surgery center and have my blood drawn, all the time wishing I could just go and call my mom and sob. Josh called my friends and let them know. 3 Wonderful friends came over that night and cleaned up the house for us and prayed for us. It was the second time I saw Josh cry. The next day I had to go to work. Not because I had to but because I knew I couldn't sit at home and think about it. At the door I broke down and told one of the nurses I didn't think I could do it. I didn't think I could continue after losing this baby. I remember meeting the dr in the hall and him giving me a big hug and telling me how sorry he was.

That night I emailed my friend and told her how I couldn't fathom the dr going in and taking my child out. How unfair and cruel it was. My mom drove into town for the d&c, she came for all of them. For me the procedure was easy. I was happy to have some pain killers to dull the feelings.

As we all know everyday it gets easier and eventually I was ready to try again. But that first experience took away my innocence and changed my life forever.