Sorry I didn't post friday, i just didn't have the energy. The appt was good and bad. The baby was great. Measured 8w3d with hb 186. The sac was still behind and the dr said she thought I had a hematoma. I left her office feeling very defeated. Wondering why none of this can be easy. So I get home and tell Josh the news. We were suppossed to leave for home that day for our nephews first birthday. I had decided I couldn't go. I was just too worn down to sit in the car for 6 hours each way. While we were trying to decide whether josh would go alone I started spotting bright red. Needless to say josh stayed home. He didn't want to be away in case something happened. I called the dr and she said to come in Monday for another sono.

So, I went in today and guess what? All is well. Baby measured 8w6d with hb 185. It seems as though the hematoma is gone. Praise the Lord. The sac is still behind, but the dr wasn't concerned. She said it is catching up so that is good. I will see the RE two more times and then she is releasing me to my OB.

I know it is still early. 3.5 more weeks until I can really breath a sigh of relief. But everytime I see that little baby on the screen I start to believe more and more that this might really happen. That I might really be bringing home a baby in November.

Work is slow today. I hate it when it is slow because it just drags on and on. I have read all the posts on my google reader. Come on people start blogging!!! And I am caught up with my forum. So thus I am bored.

I have decided I am not allowed to go to the grocery store by myself anymore. I tend to buy way too much. I am not having any paticular cravings, but if I see something that sounds yummy I buy it. Like Rice cri.spy treats, which have absolutely no nutritional value and are pure sugar. But they taste oh so yummy!!!!

The nausea isn't awful. Actually it is pretty good compared to my first pregnancy. I told Josh I was gonna be really pissed if I went through all this feeling like crap again and didn't come home with a baby. But I'm still trying to be hopeful. I will be entering into the 2nd trimester on April 25th (hey that's Ben's birthday!!!!), so I'm just praying for that date to get here quick.

It's funny that I seem to have nothing to talk about. While I was cycling I talked about other things besides my cycle. But now that I'm pg it's kinda like the rest of the world is on hold and I have nothing else going on. Very odd.

I do have a post that has been rolling around in my head for a few months now on friendship, but It's one of those that I have to articulate just right or I could hurt people. So for now it will stay in the draft folder.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DONNA. Contrary to popular belief it is not down hill from here!!!! :P

Appt today went great. Baby is measuring 7w1d. HB was 156. It was amazing how much easier it was to see and hear the HB today. The only problem is that they yolk sac only measures 6w4d. The dr said she wasn't overly concerned since it wasn't a week behind, but it is still something that we need to keep track of. I'm a little worried about it but I am trying to be strong and not google anything about.

If you have good stories about a sac that was behind and caught up feel free to leave the info. If you have a not so good story please don't leave it. I am trying my hardest to stay as hopeful as I can be.

So...so far so good. Sono again next friday and then we will be leaving town for my nephews birthday.

Today is a good day!!!

Tomorrow is Good Friday and I am so happy that I get the day off. My sono is at 9:15 so I'll get to sleep in a little. I am praying that everything is still going well. I am just taking it one day at a time. And today is a good day.

I did remember on the way home from work today that it was on Good Friday last year when they confirmed that my 3rd pregnancy was over. The sono confirmed the baby had died and I had a d&c the following tuesday. It seems odd that it is a year later and I am in the same position. Pregnant, with weekly sono's, praying that there is a heartbeat every time. I cannot tell you how I hope this year will be different than the last. I keep reminding myself that every pg is different and I am doing so much more this time.

Tomorrow marks 7wks. I'll update after the sono!!

Ok so the fatigue has completely taken over my life. After working all day I am useless at home. I am lucky if I even get dinner cooked. Josh has had to take on a lot more responsibility, poor guy. Any day I'm going to have to start taking naps at lunch time just to make it through the rest of the day.

Don't get me wrong, I am not complaining at all. There really isn't much I like to do more than sleep and lay around watching TV. It's just the feeling uslessness that is getting to me. My house is a mess, laundry is piling up and I am feeling overwhelmed. Luckily I have friday off so I will have some extra time to get stuff done.

Other than that not much else going on. Just waiting for friday and praying for a good report.

I am assuming that 17 million is the number of times I will worry and stress out during this childs life!

Sooooo... Sono went great. There is one little baby in there measuring at 6wks exactly. A beautiful hearbeat that measured at 125. It really was wonderful to hear. I feel myself still being somewhat reserved because it is still early, but im trying to really enjoy this awesome moment that I have never experienced before.

Another sono next friday and every other friday after that for the next 3-5wks, depending on how long my RE wants to keep me around.

Things are looking good!!!

Thank you ladies for your comments and opinions. I really appreciate it.

Going this week and next week was an option, but it is also a $50 copay each time. So I decided to just go next week. I called the dr and scheduled for next tuesday. I had a question for the nurse about some blood work I need to do so I left her a message. When she called me back she said why don't you come in this friday really early. So I rescheduled my rescheduled appt for friday at 7!! By my calculations I should be 6wks by then.

That is only 3 days longer instead of a whole week, so I can handle that. I am super anxious to find out how many there are. I am really thinking twins because I keep having pain on the right and left. I am also ready to see some HB's.

So now just gotta stay busy for three more days. And go to bed early on thursday so I can function on friday after having to get up so early!!

So the dr called today to see If I wanted to reschedule my sono for next week. They think tomorrow will be too early and they don't want me to be disappointed which I appreciate. So here is the good and bad of going tomorrow and waiting.

• If I go tomorrow I will most likely find out how many are in there
• But there won't be any heartbeats
• If I wait until next week, that means I have to wait more :(
• But next week I am guarnateed a HB, you know as long as all is well
• Basically I'm gonna be nervous until I see the HB so tomorrow really won't help with that at all.

Ok, ladies what do you think? What would you do? I am asking for all opinions here!!

So today I am 4wks and 6days, which basically means way early still!!! What I find so odd is that I am having a ton of symptoms already. I didn't even have this many when I went 10.5 weeks. Some of them are very odd so here ya go...

• Reflux. I actually noticed this before I got a positive. It is not constant, thank the Lord but I am having it much more often than before.
• Hungry all the time, but I don't eat very much when I do eat. But then I have to take 2 prenatals, met, aspirin and now extra calcium. So by the time I drink all that water I feel like crap.
• Can I be anymore tired? I know the answer to this is yes. When baby comes and I never get any sleep I will be wishing for these days back. But seriously I am exhausted always. I am completely unproductive and my poor josh has been doing double duty.
• I officially can not brush my teeth. It's not the toothpaste because I have tried different flavors. I think my gag reflex is super sensitive and when I get towards my back teeth it's over. I am fighting through it though. I don't want my teeth falling out or people falling down because of my breath.
• The smell of hot tap water makes me sick! Seriously, I have no idea why but I can't stand the smell and this is making showers very interesting. I can even taste it when I get out. Josh and I have talked about putting a filter on the shower. I am just hoping this won't last the whole pregnancy.

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I had a dream about our first ultrasound. It was actually a good dream. Much more optimistic than I feel like I am in my awake life. In the dream the u/s went well. There was one baby in there. We couldn't get a hb but i said to the dr that was ok because the baby was moving around a lot so I knew it was ok. It was just an odd dream and I am praying that the real u/s goes even better.

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The other day I caught myself saying something I shouldn't have. Josh was talking about telling his co-workers we were pg. And I said "So when we lose this one you will have to tell them that too". I couldn't believe I said it, and josh just kinda starred at me. I think that was my true feelings coming out. Feelings that I fight everyday. My heart wonders why this will be any different. But I try to remind myself over and over that it is different. And that I am doing so much more this time to keep this baby around.

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I have been doing somethings that I know a lot of you would say is foolish. But I don't truly believe that anything I do will jinx this pregnancy. So I have been enjoying myself. Josh and I have already looked and picked out baby furniture. I have already bought a few outfits. And I love walking through the baby departments again. I am going to enjoy this to the fullest. This is what naive pregnant women do so I'm gonna too!!

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Only 4 more days until our first peak at baby(ies). We have only told our parents and closest friends. Once we see the hb we will be telling a few more people. Not a lot. I have only told one person at work, so I will tell the others. Most people that are out on the fringe won't find out until 12wks.

The author researched different religious views on ART while she was in the decision process. How did you make your decision to pursue ART, adoption, childfree living etc? Did your religious views play a big part in that decision?



My religion definately played a part in my decision to pursure ART. I did seek council from my pastor before starting treatment. As a Christian I belive that life begins at the moment of conception. Luckily, I have not had to walk the road of IVF because it would be much more complicated religiously than IUI is. But just for conversation sake I will tell you my religious decisions about IVF. I do not think that it is wrong at all. I think that God has given humans the ability to creat technology to better the world. If I were to do it I would have to use all embryos at some point. I couldn't just let them die and I couldn't donate them to science. As for donating them to another couple, I really don't know about that. That is something I would have to decide at the time. I don't think that it goes against my religion at all, I just think it might be hard for me to know that I have other children running around somewher.



I had a different experience from the author concerning the type of clinic she went to. She went to a big clinic where she was treated as a number, whereas I went to a smaller clinic where there was a more personal touch. What was your experience? If you went to a big clinic, was it by choice? Did you feel like you still were treated as an individual? Did you have to deal with a Carol-like person? If you went to a smaller clinic, did you feel it was adequately staffed, etc. for your needs? Did you research various facilities (or did you do like me--go with the recommendation of my personal doctor)?



I was appalled at the clinic that Beth went to. Her story makes me thank God that I go to a smaller clinic. I couldn't believe how she was treated like a number and basically did the same protocol as every other women in her batch. I live in a large metropolitan area like Beth does but my clinic experience has been the complete opposite of hers. At my clinic I am a person and everyone is nice and answers all my questions. I think that if there were only clinics like the one Beth went to I would not have pursued ART. This was virgin territory for me and I needed someone to hold my hand and walk me through it. Thankfully there is no Carol-like person. and there is no George-like person either. It kinda sounded like he didn't even know what he was doing.

On page 254—255, Beth writes about…well…us. She writes about bloggers and the way we speak about infertility, embryos, et al. How did you take the description of our community? How did you feel about the way she put the word mother or mommy in quotes?

I had a hard time with these two pages. I found it very interesting how she was talking about women showing pictures of their embryos and having names for them, even though earlier she was wishing she had a picture of all her follicles to show people. If I were to pursue IVF and had pictures of my embryos I would share them with everyone. These women she is talking about are mothers. They have created life and that makes them moms.

Hop along to another stop on this blog tour by visiting the main list at http://stirrup-queens.blogspot.com/. You can also sign up for the next book on this online book club: The Mistress's Daughter by A.M. Homes (with author participation!)

Three years ago today my world fell apart for the first time. It was a wednesday and Josh and I had each taken the afternoon off. We went out to lunch, then we were gonna go to my dr appt and then his dr appt. It was our first OB appt. We were so anxious and excited. It was going to be our first peak at our little baby. After spending almost an hour with the nurse we went back to the sono room. And that is when the world stopped spinning. The baby had no HB and had died a week and a half earlier. I went to work the next day and don't know who I functioned at all. I remember stopping at the door crying and telling one of the nurses I didn't think I could do this. I didn't think I could work that day, and I didn't think I could survive the death of my first child. I had my first D&C the next day. All of these events are still so clear in my mind. I can remember all of the details and I guess they haunt me sometimes.

This is the first time I have been pg on this date. It is an odd mixutre of feelings. Hope and sorrow all at the same time. I just finished going through some of the baby things I have attained over the years. The diaper bag my mom bought me three years ago when I was pg with September baby. The page from the calender at work for the month of march that year that has a women sitting on a bench with a photo album in her lap and the saying "Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened." The teddy bear, picture frame, and adorable outfits I have from all three pregnancies. Each one of them evoking both tears and smiles. The hope that one day they will be used on a living baby.

I am trying not to dwell on the sadness today. I really want to put all of my focus on what is going on right now. There is life inside me at this moment. A miracle has happened. I have been given another chance at this motherhood thing and I am going to embrace every moment of it. Now I'm not saying I don't have my moments of sheer terror, because I do. But i try to make the good thoughts out weight the bad ones. I know it is so very early still, but I feel good and I am really doing everything in my power to keep this baby alive. Now all I have to do is trust God.