I am so happy that 2007 is almost over. I have to say that it has been the worst year in the 8 that josh and I have been married. When I think of the last 12 months the things that stick out the most are pain and suffering and nothing going my way. So good riddance to you 2007!!!!

I am keeping hope that 2008 is gonna be a great year. I am excited about tomorrow. It represents a new beginning, a new start. I have so many plans for 2008. So many things that I want to accomplish. Having a baby is definately on the list, but there is more. This next year of my life is not going to revolve around having a baby. If it happens then of course I will be over the moon happy, but it is not going to the be focus of my life.

So I say HAPPY NEW YEAR to you all and I pray everyones dreams come true!!!!

So it's that joyous time of year when we get all the beautiful Christmas cards. I love sending out these cards. I always try to get some with a really good message. Not just "happy holidays" and "seasons greetings" but you know about the birth of Jesus and all. Last year we did a Christmas letter like many people do. I was gonna do one this year but realized nothing worthwhile had happened in our life in the last year. So we decided to do the photo card this year. Unfortunately we are one of those sad couples who gets our pic taken with our dog. We treat him like a baby so might as well go all out. I thought the photo card was great. The receipent gets a pic of us and it will go on the fridge instead of the trash like a normal card. And we even got to put a good bible verse on it.

Well, after receiving many of these photo cards this year I have decided I hate them. With each new card I am reminded that I am infertile. Pictures of happy families with a mommy, daddy and some kids. I got three of said cards in the mail today. All of them from people my own age. Kids I went to high school with. All happy and smiling and holding their children. These beautiful pictures leave me feeling empty and sad. What will my Christmas card next year be like? Will it be a pic of me, josh and two dogs, because we will get another dog to fill the void that is still there?

Oh I hope 2008 will be a better year.

**Healthy baby boy born on 11/17/2008!!
**April 2008 Heterotopic pregnancy. Lose right tube and baby in the tube.
**1st IUI with Injectibles cycle Feb 2008 BFP!!! :)
**TTC on hold until 2008
**8th clomid cycle 100mg Aug 2007 chemical pregnancy
**7th clomid cycle 100mg July 2007 BFN
**June 2007 testing on me normal, hysterscopy
**May 2007 genetic testing on baby normal
**April 6th no heartbeat, d&c April 10th
**6th clomid cycle 100mg Mar 2007 BFP
**Took 6 month break from TTC
**5th clomid cycle June 2006, didn't even ovulate
**June 2006 see RE diagnosed PCOS
**4th clomid cycle May 2006 BFN
**3rd clomid cycle April 2006 BFN
**2nd clomid cycle Feb 2006 BFP, natural m/c 5 days later
**1st clomid cycle Jan 2006 BFN
**TTC unsuccessfully for 9 months
**March 2 no heartbet, d&c Mar 4 @ 12wks
**Jan 2005 BFP
**Started TTC Dec 2004

Today almost came and went without me realizing what day it really was. It was three years ago today that Josh and I started this journey to have a baby. I remember waking up in the morning and realizing that af had arrived. I ran to my computer to figure out how long my cycle was and when I could expect ovulation and for af to arrive again. We were planning to start ttc in january. But by my calculations I would be ovulating in late December, which we decided was close enough to january.

I laugh at how niave I was then. I had no idea that my cycles were really off. I had never paid much attention to their length or felt the need to calculate how long they were. It is only by the grace of God that af arrived that day and that I did in fact ovulate in late december and ended up pregnant.

These last few years have been... something, i don't know if there really is a word that can describe them. They have been the worst years of my life in so many ways. But they have also had good parts. I am so thankful for those 4 precious babies. I treasure every moment that I spent with each of them. I am thankful for the friends that I have made in the midst of my tragedy and suffering. I am thankful for all that I have learned about myself, emotionally and physically. For knowing that I am strong enough to make it through.

I wish I could somehow change things. That I could have spent these last three years watching my child grow up instead of experiencing so much pain and sorrow. That I could continue to be naive about ttc and pregnancy and pregnancy loss, and all the stuff that goes along with it. But I cannot change those things. I have experienced so much in the last three years. Those experiences have molded me into the person that I am today.

I do pray that on this day next year I will be pregnant or holding my baby in my arms. I think 3 years is long enough!!!! I am looking forward to 2008 and all the blessings it will bring.

Is that a word? It sounds weird. You know how that is when all of a sudden a word you have used all of your life sounds weird.

So I changed my template again. I think it is all my parents fault. When I was growing up my parents loved to rearrange the living room furniture. We would seriously do this every few months. Since then I have realized that I get really tired of the monotony of certain things, and must change it up a little. Unfortunately the layout of my living room cannot be changed much. So I guess i have moved on to changing my blog often. I hope you like. That is my adorable Chippy dog at the top. Josh took that action shot of him with his kong!!!

My last post was a success!!! I got so many lovely comments. Thank you to everyone who showed their support!!
_________________________________________________________

MEND had a candellight ceremony last night and it was lovely. Rebekah had wonderful things to say about gifts and compassion. I got to see a few friends I have made through the group and we are planning get togethers.

The only problem I had was with the lighting of the candles. Each family got up and said who they were lighting their candle for. I was completely unprepared for having to say something. And again my problem of not having really named my precious babies came back. So what to say? I really didn't think I could get up there and say all the dates and keep it together. So Josh said something lovely about all 4 of them. But then I felt bad, like I hadn't done them justice individually. I guess Josh and I need to figure out what to do about names.
_________________________________________________________

I'm gonna have a real sister in law!! Woohoo. I have to very sweet "fake" sisters in law. Fake means they aren't married, so techinically not related. But my brother finally got some guts and asked his girlfriend of 4 1/2 years to marry him. They haven't set a date yet, but hey this is progress.
__________________________________________________________

I have done no Christmas shopping. I know I'm such a slacker. I am waiting on my Christams bonus and then I guess I will run around like a crazy women trying to get everything in time. We are gonna go cheap this year, which means lots of homemade gifts that people probably don't want!!
__________________________________________________________

The tree is up and the house is almost decorated. I ordered my Christmas cards and hope to have them by this weekend so I can frantically get them addressed and mailed. I made Chip wear the sweater he hates for the picture. He is so darn cute in it. Unfortunalely he moved as the pic was being taken so he is kinda blury but I was too tired to take it again. And we were on the front porch and he saw a cat and was out of control. He just wanted to be that cat's friend and probably sniff her butt a little!!

I had already written this post and then decided it wasn't right and I sounded way too needy. So let me try again.

I have this deep desire to fit in somewhere. To have a group that understands me and has been or is where I am. I have a support forum that I am a member of that is for life after miscarriage. It is a great place. Most of them do not suffer from IF also, so they get pg again quickly and go on to have a baby. And since I am really not ttc right now I don't feel like I fit in much. I have tried other IF forums and boards, but there are so many members it seems hard to break in a meet people. There's also the IF, m/c blog community that I feel I am a part of. But I think I am on the fringe. I don't really have a close relationship with anyone. I just read their blogs and comment occasionally.

I personally appreciate every comment that I receive on my blog. I don't get as many as I like, but I treasure them all. So from this moment on I am going to make an almost new year's resolution to comment on more blogs. It doesn't have to be a deep and meaningful comment. Just something to tell them I'm reading and I care. If I want to meet people and make friends then I have to do some work. So I'm gonna. I might even join some forums and really try to plug in.

But before I do that I do want to thank some people for their nice comments.

Beth, thanks for always having something sweet and caring to say. Also, thanks for the song you posted. My friend Donna said that song really helped her after her m/c but I had never heard it. I found it online and listened and it is just beautiful. I'm looking forward to tomorrow night!!

Jenjilla, thanks for identifying yourself. It is so nice to hear that you really want to reach out to the women in your life who have suffered loss. I know you are in a difficult place since you have a healthy child, but take it from me that any effort you make to reach out to those women will be greatly appreciated. And your son is adorable!!

Sharee, you always speak directly to my heart with your comments. You truly are an inspiration to me. All that you have been through is truly amazing. And now you hold your son in your arms. It was a long road, but im sure it was so worth it. thank you for speaking truth to me. I'm always excited when you comment or email. I know that your words are true and that they come from a heart that knows the pain.

In just a few days I will have been ttc for three years. I cannot believe that it has been three years. It seems like time has flown by, but also stood still.

For some reason today my mind has been thinking about that first little baby that was conceived almost three years ago. I am remembering all the dates; af arrived 12/11, conceived 12/26, positive hpt 1/10, no more m/s 2/20, dr appt where we found out baby had died 3/2, D&C 3/4.

I seriously couldn't believe that we got pg on our first try. I just knew it was going to take awhile since my cycles were never normal. I remember begging Josh to let me take the test early. We had set a date to test, but of course being the future poasaholic that I was I wanted to test early. I just knew that it was going to be positive and I wanted to know sooner. So he gave in and let me take it. We were both so happy. Josh's birthday was in two days and this was the best gift ever. We had some friends over for his birthday, and josh announced it to them by saying "all Rian got me was a stick with two pink lines!!!" Everyone was so excited for us.

I wonder as time continues to go on if these memories will leave me slowly. Or if they are so much a part of who I am now that I will remember all of the details forever. I hope that I do. These memories, and even the bad ones too, are all that I have left of that precious little life that I carried for 12 weeks. That life that meant so much to me and forever will.