So 12wks4days today. How very exciting. I can't believe I have made it this far. Had a sono yesterday and baby is doing great. Heart beat was 122. So all is well with baby.

But, and that is a freaking huge but. Sac is still behind. And what that means at this point is low amniotic fluid. And we all know babies can't survive without enough fluid. So they are keeping an eye on it. I have another sono in 3wks to check the level. So now I am praying to make it to at least 24wks. Anything after that is an extra blessing.

Ok, let me start this with saying how extremely thankful I am that I am pg and have made it past 12wks. How thankful I am that Turkey is doing great and growing as he/she should. But that being said I still feel so angry that nothing about this pg is going smoothly. That nothing about the whole ttc thing went smoothly. Is it really too much to ask for something, anything to be textbook?

I think I am just in a bad place right now. I kept telling myself I will be more happy and more conected to the pg once I hit 12wks. But now I feel like I am waiting for the rug to be pulled out from under me. I mean I always knew that something could happen at anytime, but now I have this fear that it will happen. That I will be having this baby earlier than I should. I know there is nothing I can do to stop what is going to happen. And I know that worrying about what might happen does nothing to keep it from happening. So I'm gonna try to be positive and enjoy what is going on right now, even though it is so hard.

When I had my m/c last April the dr was going to send the material off for genetic testing. I knew this meant they would find out the sex of the baby. I told the dr and all the nurses to put it in my chart that I didn't want to know. I didn't think that was information that I could handle.

Over the last year I have thought about that baby many times. For some reason I had always thought it was a boy. Which was weird because I had no idea about the two previous m/c. Well, I got a packet in the mail from my RE with ALL of my history in it. So I started flipping through it not thinking I may read something I didn't want too. And then there it was. The baby was a boy. My son, Josh's son. The one he wants to take to the park and teach to throw a football.

I continued to read about how perfect all his chromosones were and it made me sad. There was no reason that science could find for him not to survive. He should be here with us right now. Knowing his gender makes the loss that more real. My thoughts and dreams for him are no longer generic.

5 pregnancys lost. Five times the egg and the sperm met and created life, and five times that life ended too soon. When I really stop and think about it I cannot fathom how I have survived the last 3 and a half years. How did I continue to press on and try after all that has happened? I know it was only by the grace of God. When November comes and I get to meet this beautiful baby that is growing inside of me I will know that all the pain and heartache was worth it.

First, I have been a crappy blog reader and commenter. You would think laying in bed for two weeks would be the perfect opportunity to read and comment. but I just wasn't in the mood. Yesterday my google reader had almost 200 unread blogs. I had to do it, there was just too much pressure. I pushed the button and they were gone. Sorry. I promise to do better now.


I'm sorry I haven't been blogging lately. I just feel like my life is in a holding pattern. Like I live everyday waiting for it to be over so it will be tomorrow. I can't wait for 12wks. I know that anything can happen after that. But I have never made it that far. And I need the peace of mind that the first tri is over.

Everyone keeps asking me when I am going to be excited. Well, I am already super excited to have made it this far, and that turkey survived the ectopic incident. But I know that i still have my heart guarded. I can't break that wall down just yet. Early on I told Josh this is the last time. If we lose this baby I am done. Those words are still true. And I am so afraid of what the future holds that I cannot control. But I know I cannot continue to go through the pain of m/c and IF.

So if I don't blog don't worry. It just means I am waiting. Also, if I don't blog don't leave me!!! I'm needy!!! :)

Things are going well. Had my last appt with the RE yesterday and baby is doing great with a nice strong HB. I see my OB on Monday and I continue to pray really hard for the next two weeks!!!

Now for something really odd. I confirmed with my RE that I did indeed ovulate on the left side. Do you know what that means? The egg came out of the left ovary through the left tube and was fertilized. Went into the uterus and then went back into the right tube to implant!!!! I guess if I'm gonna do something might as well go all the way!!!!

So it's been few days since I posted because I was in the hospital. Yup that's right, never a dull moment in my life. Here's the fascinating story.

Got up tuesday to get ready for work. I started having this terrible pain in my stomach that radiated downward. I was also very hot and sweaty. I decided to go lay down on the bed for a moment to see if it passed. Well, it didn't. I kinda felt like I needed to throw so I asked Josh to help me to the bathroom. I was really dizzy by this point. So he helps me up and takes me to the bathroom and the next thing I know i am on the floor and josh was yelling at me. Apparently I had passed out. So my wonderful husband decided to call 911.

I was still having the pain but the severity of it came and went and the hot, sweatyness was only there when the pain was at its worse. The ambulance got there and took me to the hospital. The checked me into a room and an Rn talked to me. It took 2 hours for a dr to see me and the RN wouldn't give me any pain meds. It wasn't until I passed out again after using the bathroom that everyone started taking me seriously. The dr finally came in and wanted to do a u/s on the baby. Oh and they gave me some demerol. The did a vaginal us and by the time they were done the med had worn off and they wouldn't give me anymore because my blood pressure was way too low.

The ER doc had the ob on call come in and talk to us and said that it seems I had an ectopic. The had seen something on the right side of the uterus and they believed that I was bleeding heavily internally. Next thing I know they are talking surgery. There are 4 male Rns in the room trying to get blood and hooking me up to blood and a femal rn starting my cathetar. I was acutally more than happy to have the surgery because I knew then I would finally get the pain meds.
So they wheeled me off to surgery and the next thing I know I wake up in recovery in pain and shivering. I always shiver and shake when I wake up from anesthia. Josh and annie come back to see me and ask me if the dr had talked to me. He hadn't so they tell me all the gory details.
Apparently I did have an ectopic on the right tube and it had burst. They wanted to do the surgery laproscopicly but couldn't because I had 1.5 liters of blood and clots that needed to be removed. The tube had burst with just enough room next to the uterus so that they could just clamp it off and not have to do anything with the uterus. But I did lose my right tube. So I basically have a c-section incision except they didn't cut the uterus. There are about 15-17 staples.

Now I know you are all wondering about the baby and as far as we know Turkey is just fine. We have an appt with the RE tomorrw for a sono that will tell us for sure. But they did one after the surgery and everything seemed ok. This whole experience has been truly crazy and terrifying. If josh hadn't been running late to work who knows what could have happend. I could have died and turkey could have too. I am just so thankful that everyone is ok.
This pregnancy has been such a rollercoaster and I hope and pray once we get past the first trimester things will settle down a bit.

OH and by the way the statistic of having a uterine pg and an ectopic are about 1 in 30000!!!!!